Anxiety Overload

[Deleted member 20280]

14 years ago I was diagnosed with 'Vertical Diplopia' or as more commonly known 'Vertical Double vision' *images appear one above the other as opposed to 'horizontal diplopia, where the images appear side by side, commonly known as being *cross-eyed*'

Now you may think, well? So What??

In 2002 I underwent major Surgery for this eye condition. That surgery included being anesthetized under a general anesthetic. ONLY so that the surgeon could physically cut the muscles around my right eye to be able to stitch it back at a later hour.

After undergoing this part of the surgery I was woken up. waited for 4 hours for the swelling to subside in my face and taken into an operating theater again 'Awake' this time. My head was clamped into a contraption resembling the one used in the film 'Total Recall' (where Arnold Schwarzenegger has to have his optical scan completed).

I was terrified, absolutely f*king sh*ting myself. I was 31 years old, facing the prospect that at that young age a slight slip of the surgeons scalpel could blind me for life. Whilst I was awake and with my head firmly clamped in this thing, the Dr fixed and froze my left pupil into the center of my vision. the proceeded to tug at the loose stitches around my right eye to level them together and tie off the stitches so that my eye-balls looked in the same direction at the same time.....

Fast forward to today. A routine Eye Examination at the Opticians locates that not only has the stitching work done 12 years ago failed, the diplopia is in fact much worse than before, I am now faced with the terror and nightmares that if I have the surgery again I 'May' go blind. The operation could take another 2 years to actually happen just like last time.

Last time I was not diagnosed with psychological issues, I was no where near as badly paranoid as I am now.

If I do not permit them to perform the surgery my vision 'WILL' deteriorate to such a degree that I will see 2 images of everything all the time. This confuses the brain, disorientates the person and I bump into walls, people and even trip over my own feet.

If I do however permit the surgeon to perform the surgery again, I run the risk of him slipping with his scalpel, (YES an irrational paranoid fear, based on my own psychology)...... UH!!!!! I have sever PTSD coupled with COMBAT STRESS, Borderline Personality Disorder and the Psychologist wants to label me Psychotic!)

I really do NOT need this level of stress again. I was so bad last time I believed when they put me to sleep that I would never see my children smile again, never be able to see them grow up, never see my wife's smile or my grandchildren.

Guess what........ THAT Paranoia is 100 times worse this time and I am 100 times f*king Sh*ting myself again.

OH and the Dr's do not want to give me VALIUM ....... Which would keep me calmer than I am at the moment.....

As many would say on here *F*K MY LUCK*

 

[Changing4Best]

So sorry to hear all of this, Santa. I am suffering from anxiety today too, which was why I came to read this. Mine is due to the fact that my health plan is making some major changes for the coming year which could make me ineligible for certain Drs. acceptance of my insurance company's (the USA government) payments, in which case I could be responsible for the whole bill.

I think your anxiety is tougher than mine is, as mine can be solved (I hope) by making a few calls on Monday and billing depts. and inquiring. If I don't like their answers, I can choose to change Drs. (However, that last may not be as easy as it sounds, because the changes that are being made will, I think, be being made by our government. I'm not sure though, what I read on the 'net just now was a bit confusing. All I know for sure is, is that I could end up with some heft medical bills next year and be in a poor situation to pay them, or worse yet...

Your anxiety is going to last a long time compared to mine, and then it will skyrocket! I feel for you.

I sometimes get shadows under things horizontally, but this is basically after I read or while I am reading. It seems to fade with time, after I put the book down. So I can relate to your situation a tiny bit at least.

As I said before, I'm so sorry for you and wish I could advise you of something to help you, maybe your MD can help you with some medicine? (For now, not then).

 

[desiderata310]

I'd say perfectly justified fear.
Deep breaths there, my friend. You've got this. Really.
And your surgeon's got this.
It ain't his first rodeo, ya know!
And we've got your back.

 

[Friday]

I just... This week as in "just"... Finished something that started 2 years ago. I have been off the f*cking deep end for months. Total flat spin. I can barely recall most of it. It was summer, now it's winter. Okay.

Would I go through it again? On purpose?

Maybe.

If I did, I would need to do some things differently.

My suggestion is that you table the idea of surgery for a few weeks to look into what you would want/need to do differently. You know last time. You know how you are now. Marry the two and problem solve.

For myself, it works best to go backwards, from clusterf*ck to ideal. Treat each like a flight plan. Course it out. Meaning, look into resources for the blind / compensation / attorneys / treatments/ living situations/ funny jokes/ etc. As if all your worst fears are valid, and meet them with solutions, instead of just trying to stuff them. Get that flight plan filed. Then work at each flight plan until I'm all the way to "Top surgeon donates his time & services to vet in 1 week / no waiting time / stellar job with ideal results." And not just leaving that as a pipe dream option... But seeing if that's something I might actually be able to make happen. What would ideal results look like? ((including Valium for nerves... Talk to the anesthesiologist. They're the ones who go all mad scientist with what chemicals are in your system & how to manage your affect. Surgeons & GPs don't like to touch anything there, leave as blank a slate for the anesthesiologist to work with as possible. So I bypass the guys who don't want to do anything in fear of the anesthesiologist, and go directly to him. Or her. Their office)). See what I can make happen. All before I agree to take on the added stress.

Also for myself... Each time it gets too overwhelming, I back off. To continue the flight plan metaphor (helos)... Eh. Go hover over that field for awhile until I can fit you back into the pattern. Big heavies & fast movers coming. Okay! Hover it is :) :P :) And breathe.

 

[littlelostchild]

:hug: Little bro.

I like Friday's idea - breathe and plan things out. Unless it is an emergency, you can take a bit of time to do your research and make a decision, and this seems to fall into that category.

Crap luck for sure, though, but you will get through this like you've got through everything else. We are here for you as you make your way.

 

[scout86]

Remember, they can't do anything to you without your permission. You are at least that much in control. Medical technology moves on constantly. They may have much better ways to do things now.

OK, the head clamp, awake things? Ewww! I don't think I could handle that at ALL. They must have SOME kind of accommodation for people who have issues with stuff like this. You have the advantage that NOW you can TELL them you have a couple "minor" mental health issues that make such things difficult and you need them to work with you.

Good thoughts & prayers headed your way Santa! You deserve a break!!!!!!!!

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Thank_You @scout86 and all other responders. :hug:s to you all

 

[nursenurse]

Oh Laurie. No words of wisdom here, :hug:s right back. Two years is a long time off. I refer to be knocked out for all things surgical. If I end up playing a harp and sporting wings instead of roasting with a pitchfork and a pointy tail, I would be happy.

Have you seen the ophthalmologist? Where I live the optician cannot diagnose, the optometrist can diagnose certain things, but the ophthalmologist is the one who has the MD behind his name. Until you see him, it is a back burner thing, although I realize that may be easier said than done. Having a word with the Man Upstairs for you.

 

[SeanCharles]

@Santa_Laurie As a child, I underwent 6 surgeries to correct my eyes. Since those surgeries, I now can't cross my eyes. Instead I now have a lazy eye.

---SeanGeo

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@SeanGeo Bruv_:hug:s

@nursenurse I was diagnosed 14 years ago and had the first operation 12 years ago.... exactly the same problems now as then just twice as bad this time. :hug:s

 

[SeanCharles]

@Santa_Laurie :hug:s Bruv!! :)

 

[KwanYingirl]

It's been twelve years since your first surgery. I can only assume that there have been great strides in treating this problem. I hope you are near a large specialty hospital. In Massachusetts we have a famous hospital that only does eye and ear care. I'll be thinking of you and sending healing thoughts to you.