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anxiety paralyzing, can't make decisions

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Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
This month school ended and I've been getting increasingly anxious not having some semblance of structure. I also had to go into a hospital for unrelated medical treatment and I think it's starting to make me paranoid, it was sort of painful and I'm adjusting to new medication (hormones). I haven't been sleeping well at all. I either have nightmares, or wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep. I want to rest, but when I try to rest, I keep trying to distract myself with instant gratification (social media, talking to people) stuff.

I tried to watch a movie today and it felt like it was taking FOREVER, and I paused it 6 times to do random things and turns out it was only 37 minutes in. I can't focus on entertainment. I can read maybe 10 or so pages before I have to stop bc my anxiety is too bad. I'm a writer, so I had been writing all day, but I find I can't even stick to a schedule with that either. I can't stick to ANY schedule, especially now that I'm not sleeping. I just kinda stare into space all day.

The only thing that feels kinda good is making art of comedy skits/ videos in general. I feel so guilty for not doing *something*. I've organized all my rooms, cleaned them, done everything. I feel like I'm just at a mini breaking point having been in quarantine for two months. I stayed really strong and took care of my mental health for the most part the last few months but it's just....stress cup overfloweth, even though things are at least better financially than they were before.

My therapist is moving practices, too, and I still don't know if they will take my insurance. If not, I can find a new one that'll be easier for when I move (like online bc I am moving), but I really love my therapist. He's awesome, and I've made so much progress. I'm also dealing with some triggers dealing with relationships due to me pushing myself out of my comfort zone with some things (in a good way! pushing myself to develop interpersonal skills (and flirting LOL)).

I tried to make a list of things I can and can't control but that made me more anxious because it was all of this stuff that I feel no motivation to do. The best I can muster is a bath, so I'm going to do that and take my meds. Just needed to vent, or if anyone has any sage words ? I'm wondering if the new hormones adjusting is just a process and makes me more anxious. It's helping with pain but....ugh, mood swings.
 
thank you @Annalyn78 ! yeah it's probably likely that. I've been using some coping skills and letting myself rest I just struggle. still not sleeping that well, but also have way too much energy.

On top of that being normal PTSD, hormones will do that too and ughh. Awhile back I had to take clomid (hormones to get pregnant), and I didn’t know I had PTSD though I definitely did but I wasn’t medicated for it or in therapy and omg it was pure hell. I was such a raging bitch, turned crying mess, hot flashes like no ones business, and just purely insane lol.
 
I can’t answer for the hormones can only sympathize. I can say something about losing structure though. I have found that I have to have my routine daily or symptoms come raging back. I walk daily if possible weather permitting and find when I miss that routine, or the routine of working, things add up quickly. What I do is try to do my grocery shopping on the days I would not normally be able to get out more. That at a minimum gets me out of the house and interacting with other people.
 
@Rainman8772 definitely struggling with re-instituting structure. I feel like I can't really make decisions about what to do with all this free time, and I either push myself too far or do nothing. Can't find that balance. I think having a summer class will help some!! it starts this week through July.
 
I tried everything to go to sleep tonight and be anxiety free. I meditated, did yoga, journaled for an hour, did visualization exercises, took cannabis oil (which usually puts me right to sleep), went to a cooler room, did some more stretches, did breathing exercises, took Benadryl. I'm still so, so, so anxious, I can't shut it off. I can't take more drugs. I feel like such a failure. Like I should have just been able to do this and I can't. I haven't slept more than 30 minutes and I've been trying since 11pm (it's now 3:30am) I give up.
 
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