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anxiety paralyzing, can't make decisions

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I have an awful time with the self critic. It’s more than that and over 40 years I’ve gotten a tiny bit of control over it. I just understood finally the pain I was feeling was all centered in thoughts about “that’s wrong or bad.” Which means I’m wrong or bad. All those thoughts are actually feelings and they aren’t good.

The problem with that is, feeling bad was the only motivation I ever had, the only reason I ever did anything. If feel good I won’t do anything, (I do the housework no problem and cook and stuff) and on top of that, for awhile I drank too much and I just told myself it was fine. Hangovers were fine, not “bad”. (and all the other stuff about drinking as a hobby or nightly medicine)

So I hope you feel better, pot helps me with anxiety, which is weird because it’s usually seen as anxiety producing. I’m not on anything else, and I don’t drink anymore. To meditate, which for me means get quiet and fall asleep, I just look for feelings about things being wrong or that have to be fixed, or me being bad or wrong. When I “get it” I feel good, and I fall asleep.
 
Sympathies & hope your hardships ease out soon and give you some breathing room, @Strangelongtrip :)

Not with your particular condition, but I relate to hormonal hells.

Something that helps me often is remind myself I'm (literally) hormonal, as in my whole body is outta the whack for the time's sake, and ease out expectations I have of me.

And/or treat it as being sick.
Since often I literally am.
And I wouldn't yell at sick person for being sick. Nor would I berate them for being inattentive and drowsy. Nor would I force them to exercise. Nor would I starve them.

And I wouldn't hurt them, mutilate them, break their mind, nor kill them.

Things like that - so apply to myself.
Even if it needs a lil tweaking here and there, since I recover faster with humor + You got this, MF + Stick it out mate + Realistic advice... and not compassion worded that way / sympathy.

As to the loss of structure...

If everything is chaos?
The sorting of chaos is tasks to do to structure up :sneaky:

As in I don't try to go by the old structures. If I wanna cope. Instead of slug along, lag behind, and hope something clues me in / throws me the rope.

That flew outta the window with situation changed.

What I do is look at what's throwing me in the *current* situation, and what & who I need to sort *that*.

Inability to decide...

Decide on the level you can.
And praise yourself for it.

There was a time not so long ago I was happy Desi here helped me decide on what tortilla to have.

And I was mighty proud I decided on tortilla :smug:

There. It may feel world on fire... but isn't.

And if it is? It's good to remember people, in general, don't like worlds on fire... someone will help you.

You need to be the safest you can, the healthiest you can, and wait it out.

You literally aren't required to solve everything, on your own, right this minute. ;)
 
I just understood finally the pain I was feeling was all centered in thoughts about “that’s wrong or bad.” Which means I’m wrong or bad. All those thoughts are actually feelings and they aren’t good.

I think this is a big one for me, as well. I feel "not good enough" or judge every single thought I have. I practiced last night sort of self soothing when I had a thought that scared me instead of hating myself for it. It's like everything I do is just never good enough for that inner critic. It also makes me not want to be alone with myself because I'm so mean to myself.


So I hope you feel better, pot helps me with anxiety, which is weird because it’s usually seen as anxiety producing. I’m not on anything else, and I don’t drink anymore. To meditate, which for me means get quiet and fall asleep, I just look for feelings about things being wrong or that have to be fixed, or me being bad or wrong. When I “get it” I feel good, and I fall asleep

Thank you @Mach123 ! I also find pot helps me, as long as it's the right strains. I even tried that last night and nothing, couldn't get it under control! I did sleep like 4 hours, and I don't feel anxious right now. Maybe just exhausted haha.

What I do is look at what's throwing me in the *current* situation, and what & who I need to sort *that*.

Inability to decide...

Decide on the level you can.
And praise yourself for it.

"Decide on the level you can" I love that. I'm going to do some more journaling to figure out what about my schedule I can't stick to. Thank you both!!
 
@Friday Making art, writing, drawing, baths, taking walks. I did a lot of that today and feel much better. Having dinner w my parents (I live w them) was a stressor or at least has jacked up my anxiety again. Lots of triggers there, but I won’t get into that. Gonna do all the things I love and destress again.
 
I *JUST* realized that this week and last is a bunch of trauma anniversary dates. That's probably why! I think it's good I'm forgetting the dates but my body doesn't forget and kicks me into overdrive. Now I don't feel like I'm losing it anymore and know what I need to do to process it. And that panicky gross feeling in my chest is grief and anger, not something dangerous. Phew lol.
 
It's happening again, although now it's a mini panic attack every hour. Just trying to weather the waves, but I feel so useless right now because I'm so behind in everything and have stuff I need to do by Wednesday. I don't know what else to do, because doing anything makes them worse but doing nothing makes them worse. I think I'm going to do something easy right now to sort of "hack" my brain into action.
 
It's happening again, although now it's a mini panic attack every hour. Just trying to weather the waves, but I feel so useless right now because I'm so behind in everything and have stuff I need to do by Wednesday. I don't know what else to do, because doing anything makes them worse but doing nothing makes them worse. I think I'm going to do something easy right now to sort of "hack" my brain into action.


One thing at the time is all you can do.
 
I was able to get some things done!! back to cranked up anxiety again but going to do some more self care tonight and start again tomorrow. It seems like if I can get myself to get into somewhat of a routine or distract myself to accomplish something I feel better, so I'm just going to keep doing that.
 
Back to nothing I do is right and everything I do is stupid and I’ll never succeed at anything. I’m writing a novel. I can’t write. I’ve been blocked for weeks now. I just want to scream. I’ve tried to dissect it from every angle but it just comes back to “it’s stupid and poorly executed and you should give up bc no ones going to buy it”. I don’t enjoy doing anything. I like talking to people right now and that’s it. Every art I make I think is stupid.

Nothing is getting rid of these emotions or thoughts. I know the core belief is “I am not enough”. I’ve been working on affirmations and I’m still not getting anything done and I feel like a worthless piece of meat. Like if I can’t finish this I’m such a loser. And it’s terrible so I’m a loser either way.

I want to crawl back into my external validation hole where I based my worth on external validation bc at least I felt like I was worth something. Now I have nothing proving my worth (that’s not even true, I made dean’s list while living in the basement w my parents and constant work being done on my house, straight As and you know what the first thing I did was? I googled how many people get it, because if it’s a lot of people that disproves my worth. I lie to my family and say I’m proud of myself but I’m not. I just look for more reasons to devalue myself. I got honorable mention in a writing competition and my first thought was “well if I was actually good I would have gotten first place”. Something I wrote in 20 minutes, because I can’t actually truly try bc then my good definitely isn’t good enough). It’s like I’m doing better but am I? I don’t know how to feel better. I don’t know how to feel like I’m worth something. I think this backslide is bc of rape trauma anniversaries but it’s painful and I wish it would stop.
 
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