General Any people in a long term relationships with their PTSD partner? Do you still have sex?

[Sunshine71]

Hi all
Any people in a long term relationships with their PTSD partner? Do you still have sex?

I met my hubbie in 1990 - the car accident happened perhaps that year too.....

All was fine until around 16 years ago when our son was born. We have hardly had sex since then - and I can not remember in the past 10 years. I have only just even spoken about it. It causes flashbacks.... although the ptsd is connected to a car accident .....

We are both 51 and I am wondering if this is it now?

Thanks amazing people - sunshine x

 

[Sweetpea76]

We’ve been together ten years, and we still have sex. Sometimes I think he uses it as a distraction or to help him sleep. However there are times when he is symptomatic and has zero interest. He’s also physically disabled from combat, so sometimes pain gets in the way.

 

[Friday]

I was with my exHusband 11 years…. Speaking as a sufferer… we still had sex daily.

In school I learned the “normal human” thing with sex is long term relationships are apx 1/5 of what they are in the first year. So, for me, that tracks. As sex is near constant in new relationships, and fades to one/twice daily with familiarity.

My friends/loved ones mostly follow a similar track… once a day, moves to once a week, once a week moves to once a month, a few times a year to a few times a decade.

Clearly, mental illness & physical injury can f*ck “normal” completely out of the equation.

An article you might be interested in Young vets: Trouble in the bedroom

 

[Eleanor]

I was with my husband (cPTSD sufferer) for 16 years. The first year was great. Then when our daughter was born things got weird. He stopped having sex with me because he didn't want me to get pregnant again so... said we should wait until he got a vasectomy. Which he did about three years later. Then it was maybe twice a month. Until the relationship deteriorated to the point where I just said that I didn't trust him enough to be that vulnerable. The relationship dynamics were kind of strange - as he had distinct personalities. The normal personality (aka Dr. Jekyl) was less and less present with me. So there was less and less affection and closeness as time went on. We were apart for a year, then decided to try to repair the marriage for about three years, until he got brain cancer, and died the next year. Not a rousing story to inspire hope. I like to think if we'd had more time we'd have gotten better... but who knows?

 

[Movingforward10]

18 years together here. My partner has no mental health. Sex is wrapped up with my trauma. We have sex. Though saying that, not had sex for about 3 months at the moment. And that's on me.
We go through phases of periods of less sex or more frequent sex depending on what life throws at us. For example in the pandemic, partner's parents both died within weeks of each other. She was grieving and not in the mood for a few months. And now me, I haven't been in the mood and despite that not stopping me before, I am being healthier about choices.

But really it doesn't matter about other people's what matters is what you want and how you communicate that and how you navigate that part of your relationship. It's an important need.

 

[Sunshine71]

We’ve been together ten years, and we still have sex. Sometimes I think he uses it as a distraction or to help him sleep. However there are times when he is symptomatic and has zero interest. He’s also physically disabled from combat, so sometimes pain gets in the way.

Thank you for your kind reply and honesty Sweetpea xx

I was with my exHusband 11 years…. Speaking as a sufferer… we still had sex daily.

In school I learned the “normal human” thing with sex is long term relationships are apx 1/5 of what they are in the first year. So, for me, that tracks. As sex is near constant in new relationships, and fades to one/twice daily with familiarity.

My friends/loved ones mostly follow a similar track… once a day, moves to once a week, once a week moves to once a month, a few times a year to a few times a decade.

Clearly, mental illness & physical injury can f*ck “normal” completely out of the equation.

An article you might be interested in Young vets: Trouble in the bedroom

Thank you so much and I had no idea about the above..... I will check out that feature as well xx

18 years together here. My partner has no mental health. Sex is wrapped up with my trauma. We have sex. Though saying that, not had sex for about 3 months at the moment. And that's on me.
We go through phases of periods of less sex or more frequent sex depending on what life throws at us. For example in the pandemic, partner's parents both died within weeks of each other. She was grieving and not in the mood for a few months. And now me, I haven't been in the mood and despite that not stopping me before, I am being healthier about choices.

But really it doesn't matter about other people's what matters is what you want and how you communicate that and how you navigate that part of your relationship. It's an important need.

Thank you so much for your kind reply - and you are quite right of course - it doesn't matter about other people as such .... however just curious really to see if I am alone as it has stopped altogether and I am sad about this and other things to do with ptsd :( xx

 

[somerandomguy]

When my wife and I got together, I had had untreated PTSD for about five years. After our honeymoon period of about three months, I found myself physically unable to have intercourse. We had no real idea why, which led to a lot of blaming and recriminations.

We had close to zero sex for the next several years, for which I blamed her. Eventually I got myself back into therapy over it and discovered it was mostly due to a trauma reaction on my part.

We've been doing mostly better the past few years, thanks to intense trauma therapy, although it's mostly gone back and forth between some sex and no sex. We have kids in the home which limits our activities. Without kids, we'd probably be having at least a little more sex.

I've had a really difficult time around sex as it relates to my own self-image as a man and a sexual abuse survivor. For a while I was demanding sex, which I can barely believe now and I am quite grateful my marriage was able to survive that. Eventually I got through enough EMDR that I am much more level-headed about how much sex I can realistically expect, for both myself and my partner.

 

[Sunshine71]

When my wife and I got together, I had had untreated PTSD for about five years. After our honeymoon period of about three months, I found myself physically unable to have intercourse. We had no real idea why, which led to a lot of blaming and recriminations.

We had close to zero sex for the next several years, for which I blamed her. Eventually I got myself back into therapy over it and discovered it was mostly due to a trauma reaction on my part.

We've been doing mostly better the past few years, thanks to intense trauma therapy, although it's mostly gone back and forth between some sex and no sex. We have kids in the home which limits our activities. Without kids, we'd probably be having at least a little more sex.

I've had a really difficult time around sex as it relates to my own self-image as a man and a sexual abuse survivor. For a while I was demanding sex, which I can barely believe now and I am quite grateful my marriage was able to survive that. Eventually I got through enough EMDR that I am much more level-headed about how much sex I can realistically expect, for both myself and my partner.

Thank you so much for your kind reply and honesty - I am so happy to read things are working out much better for you both and that EMDR helped - my hubbie was about to try this many years however it didnt go ahead for various reasons.... this may be something to re consider if he gets support again. Thank you so much xx

 

[Movingforward10]

however just curious really to see if I am alone as it has stopped altogether and I am sad about this and other things to do with ptsd :( xx

Totally understandable you're sad about it. Wonder how you get your needs met about it. Couples therapy?

 

[Sunshine71]

Totally understandable you're sad about it. Wonder how you get your needs met about it. Couples therapy?

He just wont xx

 

[Movingforward10]

He just wont xx

Sorry to hear that.

Whether he has PTSD or not, you have needs and suppose it's about how much compromise or sacrifice you're prepared to make. And what is he prepared to compromise on too?
That said, there are so many myths and stigmas about sex in long term relationships. What is 'normal:? But if you're not happy and want things to change, he does need to hear that and try and see how you can meet in the middle.
If he can't do that, it's up to you if you want to stay in this relationship as it is or not.