Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

Had schedule change at work (no choice) 3 weeks ago, my shift now 2:00-11:30 pm, with 2 days less pay. About half-filled, starting nearer to 4:00pm, they have to add 30 hours. Am exhausted, triggered half the time I leave by the men around me waiting outside (the 'Woo, baby..", business- do not drive, bad eye-sight in one eye). Cannot eat before work or I feel totally exhausted. Have thrown up at work even when I don't eat but that's the least of my problems. Have a constant migraine, several infections.

I cannot afford to make any errors (especially as regards medication- 1 error results in disciplinary action, 3 fired). Have made 2 errors in paperwork (not disciplanary), simply too tired for it to connect. Am looking for a new job, at best that cannot happen over night. Added stress leaving the dog for 10 hours. Relative (we live together) in same position, she feels the same and cannot change her work position for at least one year.

Have had spontaneous SI, many times almost put myself in front of a semi truck (lots of them here). Normally the thought of financial implications stops me, but I can barely trust myself. And worse yet, it feels I really don't care. I have no T and no support, and no relatives except for one here burdened with her own issues.

I have tried power napping, eating soup, sheer perseverance. I know this sounds whiny, but something's happened and my body, heart and soul won't cooperate. Normally I've accomplished what most wouldn't: worked 72 to 95 hours bi-weekly and provided over-night care for relative on off-time over-night and days for a few years; natural disasters and heavy duty labour greater than my size and weight should be able to accomplish, different things. I have taken only 2 weeks holiday in 11 years, and have worked full-time 30 years. But this is impossible, for me.On top of it all the ptsd symptoms. Which seem ireelvant, considering everything else.

I don't know what to do. My mask even hurts.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Junebug))) wow your work is so stressful and you sound so burnt out. I wish you good luck in finding another job. It looks like that is what you have to do. My husband had to deal with a workplace that placed penalties on employees.

I hope you can call a hotline in case of emergency. You must be so exhausted. I really feel for you. The stress at work is very bad for you. Which you know. I am sorry you have to deal with harrassment after work.

I hope you can find another job that is better for you and pays more and has benefits. Then you can quit this place. I am glad you have the forum. I am worried about you. You sound so overwhelmned by it all. You sure are putting in the hours. Good luck Junebug. Hugs and prayers for you.

 

[p-no]

but something's happened and my body, heart and soul won't cooperate.

Do you know what it is that has happened?

(((Junebug)))

Is there anything I can do for you?

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you g and p-no, no p-no I have no idea. I know I've never smoked more, or felt so physically strange, so that can't help. But then, I'm doing what I can. Not eating helps the most.

Dear gizmo, thank you. I've been there 11 years- Health Care but just a lowly Aide. But palliative care/ end of life (last few days) also, new client with that is triggering. For the first time in my life I can't stand the whole field. People familiar with it know, some clients are kind or gentle, many many not. Unfortunately, years ago when I was finishing my degree we were flooded badly (uninsurable), my mom had terminal cancer diagnosed shortly after and (we) needed to provide 24 hour care and do the repairs ourselves mostly, as even Disaster Relief assistance took years to materialize and a terrible fight- it was terrible grief and stress. Anyway, she made it 4 months then died, I had left University with 9 hours (1 1/2 courses only) left to complete when she got diagnosed at Christmas, and didn't. Whether my own short comings or the ptsd or grief or all of it, I looked for work immediately (then), and concentrated on what was more pressing to pay off. I broke up with the guy I thought I'd marry, too, at the same time (which was good he was abusive). Anyway, that fact limits my job prospects. Though I had been straight A's/ Honors my whole life.

 

[Tinyflame]

I just know- *this isn't a threat*- if I owned a gun I don't think I could control myself. It's just that weird/ unbearable. I really don't know what to do, I'm trying to find positives, like I'm working. But there is no option, no safety net, I cannot leave. Even a 'stress leave' would equate to virtually no pay, only to return to the same. I don't want to talk about it, I just want to desperately find some way- any way- to do it.

 

[JustBe]

Please be careful and take good care Junebug. Is there a hotline you can call?

 

[Hashi]

((((((((((((Junebug)))))))))))))

I want to send you a hundred hugs. You're such a wonderful, generous, kind, supporitve presence here on the forum, but you're going through so much yourself. Really, so much. I'm so sorry you have this situation.

You asked for practical suggestions. It sounds like you've taken a lot of practical steps yourself (even soup - and I'm not being flippant, soup is seriously good :)). What I'm not clear about is what options you have, in this job or in getting a different one, or in doing something else.

What strikes me is that you say your body, heart and soul won't co-operate. I feel very tentative about saying this, because I do understand the need for financial stability. I'm facing the same sort of issues, I'm about to lose my job and I don't have another to go to. I have a lot of anxiety about what next/what else/what do my body, heart and soul need here and can I survive if I listen to them? Personally, I've got to the point where I'm trying to listen to my body, heart and soul more than my survival fears. That doesn't mean I'm willing to be destitute, I'm still paying attention to basic survival, but beyond that - to be bluntly honest, beyond the next four months - I haven't got a clue how I'll manage financially.

I'm just trusting that the answer will be there before the four months is up.

That may not be right for you, and above everything else I'd always say you need to think about your immediate financial security. It depends how you much financial security you have and how you feel about it. What I'm trying to reach, I think, is that sometimes other things are calling for attention, and that isn't a vacuum - its an alternative that we're aware of but perhaps just can't quite make the leap to.

My practical suggestion isn't to do anything drastic or irresponsible. It's to look at everything, including those things that at first glance seem impossible or too scary - but are there in your consciousness - then make a balanced and informed decision from that. That may give you an alternative. Or it may give you a way to stay where you are and it be more bearable. I have no idea, but I think the first step is listen to every possibility, especially those that your body, heart and soul might be leaning towards.

 

[intothelight]

Junebug,

Do you have accrued time off you can take? You need to take a break and just rest and reassess your options. There are times when a person can hit a point they just don't see any way out, and it is not that they want to die; they just don't know how to live.

But you need to stop and take care of yourself right now. Whether you believe it or not, you are far to precious of a person to suffer so much. Make sure you have a hot line handy and keep writing.

Right now take it minute by minute and keep reaching out. We are here listening and really do care!!

(((Hugs)))

Deb

 

[Meadowsweet]

Junebug, I don't feel that I can add to what already been said.

Please ask somebody for help, first for how you're feeling right now, and second to find out what support you could get at work.

 

[JustBe]

Junebug, I'm just checking in. If you need to talk, vent...I'm here.:inlove:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Junebug, I am thinking of you. I hope this gets sorted out for you soon. You are precious. I hate to think of you suffering so. If you need to talk I am here to listen and to support. Feel free to pm me anytime. I am here for you.

 

[heidi]

You're such a sweet gentle nice person like everyone has said. I hope you figure out something that might work.