Anyone else averse to touch and/or being in their body?

[Charbella]

My T has really been pushing for me to be in touch with my body. I’m pretty much a walking hand, feet and head.

Every time he brings up something “simple” he wants me to try I’m flooded with images and sensations of being touched all related to CSA.

It’s frustrating to me that he doesn’t seem to get that his quest for some nice sensation or even tolerable sensation isn’t going to happen. Just him saying body is enough to start the images.

I don’t like touch can’t that just be the end of the conversation? I get this is a trauma response, my brains way of reminding me how unsafe it’s always been.

But then I think it’s my touch, why is my brain associating my touch to danger, I guess because it’s reminding me that it’s my fault and I’m as much a danger to myself as anyone else.

Anyway I’m just wondering if anyone else has such strong feeling regarding being in their body and if anyone got through this and the triggers associated with it.

 

[Givrali]

Not this bad but I have a clear rejection for my breast and sometimes wish someone can just cut them off my body. I hate them because I false think their responsible for me being abused but abuse began way before I "became a woman"
In a general way I don't feel like a have a body. I'm just a floating brain being able to interact with matter. I hate seeing that I physically exist

 

[Movingforward10]

in a different way I think. T said I used sex as a form of self harm as a teenager. So touch was something I craved, harmful or otherwise. And I acted out a lot of stuff sex wise. sought out pain to feel.

but the disconnect with the body: yes
and the blaming my body:yes.
felt I was a rapist for a long time because I was raped.
blamed My genitals for ‘letting’ It happen.
it was through work of shifting the blame from me and my body to the rapists that helped with this. It then blew me away when T said that I seemed to have done that.
land I’ve done a few things since. Apologised to my genitals. As silly as that might sound, it helped. And now I’m a bit proud of them, rather than hating them.

but connecting with my body at times can still be a huge battle. Like exercising is hard when triggered, and exercising can be triggering in itself as it makes me feel my body and focus on it.
eveyrone says “breathe” when stressed, it that also focuses on the body. T says focus on breath outside the body to try and help with that.

i always find that getting over something is a tiny shift in perspective. Is there something small to start with? Maybe touch is too big to tackle first. Maybe looking at where blame and shame lies? Or a part of your body that is more than head, feet, hands. Arms? Knees? or whatever other body part doesn’t trigger something?
I’m also “reclaiming“ my body at the moment. As I pierced it a lot back then and now I’m in the process of taking them out bit by bit to have my body back. I’ve never seen my adult body without them, and it feels a weight lifted off taking them out. Means I have to face my body and can’t hide behind piercings, but the backlash I’m facing with that is small compared to how much better it makes me feel.

so what ways can you do to work on reclaiming your body?

your’re way more than hands, feet and head.

 

[Givrali]

Only my body hair my hair and my foot are part of me

 

[arfie]

i still experience some aversion to touch, but not so much since i listened to my shrink and did that exposure therapy yours is suggesting. yea, it was harder than hard but the gain was worth the pain. i'm still not big on the touchie feelie thing, but now it's more preference than psychotic need. the diff is significant.

the physical discomfort of being me improved tremendously. it verily rocks being comfortable in my own skin.

 

[Givrali]

Now I just want to stop to exist at all. Will go sleep now , I barely slept last night and I still stuff to pack before leaving my old home

 

[Charbella]

but connecting with my body at times can still be a huge battle. Like exercising is hard when triggered, and exercising can be triggering in itself as it makes me feel my body and focus on it.
eveyrone says “breathe” when stressed, it that also focuses on the body. T says focus on breath outside the body to try and help with that.

Breathe, I hate that statement more than seems possible for one word. Go ahead and tell me to panic, it doesn’t create panic but tell me to breathe and I’m there full panic, I can’t possibly breathe, there is no air to take in. Yep T started here until he witnessed it and decided maybe breathing wasn’t for me. I’m a bit better now but I still have to fight the panic that rises when I’m asked to focus on it, I remember that I’m in control and that I don’t need to focus on my breathe just because I’ve been asked to.

so what ways can you do to work on reclaiming your body?

Indeed what can I do? I want to say ignore it and let it sort itself out, but I’m not dumb enough to think it will. I guess I’ll do some research it seems to be my first round of acceptance of anything I’d prefer to avoid.

i still experience some aversion to touch, but not so much since i listened to my shrink and did that exposure therapy yours is suggesting. yea, it was harder than hard but the gain was worth the pain. i'm still not big on the touchie feelie thing, but now it's more preference than psychotic need. the diff is significant.

the physical discomfort of being me improved tremendously. it verily rocks being comfortable in my own skin.

I can’t even imagine this is possible. I completely believe you, just can’t imagine it for me.

I can touch and be touched, I don’t love it but I can, I do think a significant portion of this is that fact that if your not actually in your body you aren’t actually touching or being touched.

when I was in my teens my Grandma always wanted a hug before I left, I let her hug me, a stiff board. She commented and asked if I didnt love her, manipulative I know, but my fawn response allowed me to get to a point where I hugged her not as a stiff board because it was what she needed. I’m pretty good at doing what someone else needs.

 

[Sideways]

It would sound odd anywhere else but here, but I did some reflexology with a practitioner when I was in hospital once just for kicks. She got me to roll a little ball around under my foot.

It was the first time I'd experienced feeling a part of my body, having full awareness of it, and it feeling good. It was a pretty huge experience for me.

From that point on, things really changed for me and my relationship with my body. The experience of feeling that was a real game changer.

So, it may not happen exactly that way for you. But it is possible to change this dynamic, just by being open to those sorts of experiences.

 

[Charbella]

It would sound odd anywhere else but here, but I did some reflexology with a practitioner when I was in hospital once just for kicks. She got me to roll a little ball around under my foot.

It was the first time I'd experienced feeling a part of my body, having full awareness of it, and it feeling good. It was a pretty huge experience for me.

From that point on, things really changed for me and my relationship with my body. The experience of feeling that was a real game changer.

So, it may not happen exactly that way for you. But it is possible to change this dynamic, just by being open to those sorts of experiences.

I guess here is were I point out that I’ve been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I’m sure I’m one of many on this site, but it also means connecting with something that hurts all the time.

Your Foot story reminded me because that would be a very painful experience for me, I have neuropathy in my feet, I know you weren’t suggesting I try it, just that for you it helped.

Before the diagnosis I had many surgeries to relive the pain in connective tissues and nerves. Both hands and both feet, all told 12.

When my T started in on this let’s connect you to your body kick I had several weeks where it seemed every nerve in my body kept firing. I guess that was the point I started to disconnect from everything. Sideways thanks for helping me with this realization because I now realize the starting point of my most recent SI.

 

[Sideways]

I’ve been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I’m sure I’m one of many on this site, but it also means connecting with something that hurts all the time.

I'm very sure that fibro and other chronic pain conditions are an element at play here. There's quite a few threads about it in the Other Disorders forum if you're interested.

Hopefully starting to put these pieces together does help you make headway with the different things going on. Chronic pain feeds my depressive episodes for sure.

 

[arfie]

I can’t even imagine this is possible. I completely believe you, just can’t imagine it for me.

this was true for me when i first started the exposure therapy to remedy my aversion to touch. i think i habitually dissociated when forced into a hug-a-thon, though i avoided them whenever possible. i hated hugs enough to be pretty skilled at the evasion maneuvers. i still have to grit my teeth through the random hugs from people i don't really want in my life. it took some serious leaps of faith to work through it, but i remain glad i did.

if you are taking votes, i vote you listen to your shrink. take the leap of faith.

 

[Movingforward10]

Breathe, I hate that statement more than seems possible for one word. Go ahead and tell me to panic

Totally get this. When I am in panic mode, I need to not be in my body and not feel it. Someone asking me to breathe and connect with my body is The Worst Thing I can do in that moment.

Indeed what can I do? I want to say ignore it and let it sort itself out, but I’m not dumb enough to think it will. I guess I’ll do some research it seems to be my first round of acceptance of anything I’d prefer to avoid.

Working on touch and connecting with the body might be a step too far at this moment given everything else going on for you right now. But if you are going to go down this route now or in the near future, maybe starting connecting with the body by not focusing on the body but focusing on your beliefs about why connecting with the body if hard. What it brings up for you. What is scary about being in your body? What counter messages can you give yourself about your safety of your body in the here and now?

When my T started in on this let’s connect you to your body kick I had several weeks where it seemed every nerve in my body kept firing. I guess that was the point I started to disconnect from everything. Sideways thanks for helping me with this realization because I now realize the starting point of my most recent SI.

This is so great that you recognise this. Can you tell your T this?
It also makes me think that stabilising is the priority. And slowing down with therapy.