Briellewannabe
Learning
The focus of my therapy is shifting and it is making me a little uncomfortable, though probably in a good way... though it doesn't feel like it.
I have never hated or blamed the men who abused me. I don't in any way like them either. I was sexually abused by a neighbor from ages 4-6. I didn't tell anyone and my parents were not involved with their 9 kids enough to notice anything was wrong. I was also raped when I was 13 by a customer on my paper route; I got pregnant and later miscarried. I didn't tell anyone about that either. My home wasn't the right environment to bring those things up... but also I 100% believed that both were my fault.
I blame myself and I hate myself for what happened. When days get really bad and the suicidal thoughts are high, it's all aimed inward.
The last year or so I've slowly started getting angry at my parents for their neglectful parenting (which extends beyond not protecting me from abusers), but that's about as far as my anger goes outside me. Mostly I get stuck in the "what-ifs" and "should haves." It make daily life difficult and the rough days almost unbearable.
My therapist wants to work on that. I had a rough day on Mother's Day (always do) and got really suicidal again for a couple days. Last session she kept saying that the abusers were to blame, and logically I know that makes sense. I'm in law enforcement, I understand the law, but of course it seems like I'm the exception.
I don't understand my abusers. I don't know why they did what they did. I don't know if they were abused or went through something horrible. I don't know if their life was total shit or if they were born with their brains wired and didn't have much of a choice, and if they needed help and treatment. I cannot know, and because of that, it feels like the only option is to blame myself for not doing anything about it. From not telling anyone (though I didn't feel like I could--long story, not important) to continuing to to go back to my abuser (though there were threats against my other 6 sisters if I didn't)... I hate the little girl I was and I blame her. And it both feels justified and unfair of me. I hate the 13 that was so ignorant and stupid for being so trusting, for not knowing any better.
I don't know how I can ever shift that. That hate has been there since I was 4... so over 22 years now. That hate and blame and guilt has made me wish death and attempt to act on it since I was 4.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Were you able to shift your blame and anger and remove the guilt? It doesn't seem possible and it's making me stress and uncomfortable.
I have never hated or blamed the men who abused me. I don't in any way like them either. I was sexually abused by a neighbor from ages 4-6. I didn't tell anyone and my parents were not involved with their 9 kids enough to notice anything was wrong. I was also raped when I was 13 by a customer on my paper route; I got pregnant and later miscarried. I didn't tell anyone about that either. My home wasn't the right environment to bring those things up... but also I 100% believed that both were my fault.
I blame myself and I hate myself for what happened. When days get really bad and the suicidal thoughts are high, it's all aimed inward.
The last year or so I've slowly started getting angry at my parents for their neglectful parenting (which extends beyond not protecting me from abusers), but that's about as far as my anger goes outside me. Mostly I get stuck in the "what-ifs" and "should haves." It make daily life difficult and the rough days almost unbearable.
My therapist wants to work on that. I had a rough day on Mother's Day (always do) and got really suicidal again for a couple days. Last session she kept saying that the abusers were to blame, and logically I know that makes sense. I'm in law enforcement, I understand the law, but of course it seems like I'm the exception.
I don't understand my abusers. I don't know why they did what they did. I don't know if they were abused or went through something horrible. I don't know if their life was total shit or if they were born with their brains wired and didn't have much of a choice, and if they needed help and treatment. I cannot know, and because of that, it feels like the only option is to blame myself for not doing anything about it. From not telling anyone (though I didn't feel like I could--long story, not important) to continuing to to go back to my abuser (though there were threats against my other 6 sisters if I didn't)... I hate the little girl I was and I blame her. And it both feels justified and unfair of me. I hate the 13 that was so ignorant and stupid for being so trusting, for not knowing any better.
I don't know how I can ever shift that. That hate has been there since I was 4... so over 22 years now. That hate and blame and guilt has made me wish death and attempt to act on it since I was 4.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Were you able to shift your blame and anger and remove the guilt? It doesn't seem possible and it's making me stress and uncomfortable.