Childhood Anyone else struggling with belief or acceptance?

Levee

New Here
I'm 49. There's never been a question that my dad was not a great dad. He's a diagnosed narcissist, he was emotionally abusive throughout my childhood, and singled me out for his abuses. When I was 32 I started having debilitating flashbacks of sa by my dad. 17 years later I still struggle with incorporating the flashbacks. I don't disbelieve them exactly, I've worked very hard on trusting my body and my experience. Dad has been cut out of my life for 15 years now.
But the content in the flashbacks doesn't FEEL like a memory, it feels like movie reels implanted in my head. It makes it hard to truly, deeply believe this really happened. I understand that denial is part of the way I've protected myself. It's frustrating though. It feels like it holds back my healing.
Has anyone else out there struggled with belief or acceptance?
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
I was just talking to my therapist about this. I have struggled so much for years with believing myself. I believe much more than I used to, but there are things I still doubt. It's a process. The flashbacks come from somewhere. There's a reason they are happening. It's funny, I have no trouble believing that you experienced SA.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
100%.

Totally and utterly understand the frustration about denial. I share it. And the lack of feel about a memory. And the self gas lighting. And the doubt. Round and round that merry-go-round.

It takes a lot of work to crawl out from under the gaslighting of what happened from others and ourselves. But it's do-able.
And you get strength from believing yourself. I think.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
i've had to work my way back from full trauma induced amnesia with precious few ways to either confirm or deny any of flashbacks/memories which have emerged over the 40 years of therapy it has taken to heal the brain damage. i'm not sure the healing is done, but for certain, my memory functions have healed quite bit. i believe i am the only senior citizen on the planet whose memory is improving with age. just believing. . . proof irrelevant. the therapy works when i work it.

during early therapy, i agonized continually over what to believe or disbelieve of this psychotic process. quite a few members of my healing network have encouraged me to **just** do my honest best with the information available. i take that info at face value and sort the fact from as the info becomes easier to review/talk/think about. as the surrounding psychosis settles, i trust my instinct and the settling of time to tell the truth from the psychotic manifestations.

but that is me and every case is unique. . .

steadying support while you sort your own case
 
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