Childhood Anyone else struggling with belief or acceptance?

Levee

New Here
I'm 49. There's never been a question that my dad was not a great dad. He's a diagnosed narcissist, he was emotionally abusive throughout my childhood, and singled me out for his abuses. When I was 32 I started having debilitating flashbacks of sa by my dad. 17 years later I still struggle with incorporating the flashbacks. I don't disbelieve them exactly, I've worked very hard on trusting my body and my experience. Dad has been cut out of my life for 15 years now.
But the content in the flashbacks doesn't FEEL like a memory, it feels like movie reels implanted in my head. It makes it hard to truly, deeply believe this really happened. I understand that denial is part of the way I've protected myself. It's frustrating though. It feels like it holds back my healing.
Has anyone else out there struggled with belief or acceptance?
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
I was just talking to my therapist about this. I have struggled so much for years with believing myself. I believe much more than I used to, but there are things I still doubt. It's a process. The flashbacks come from somewhere. There's a reason they are happening. It's funny, I have no trouble believing that you experienced SA.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
100%.

Totally and utterly understand the frustration about denial. I share it. And the lack of feel about a memory. And the self gas lighting. And the doubt. Round and round that merry-go-round.

It takes a lot of work to crawl out from under the gaslighting of what happened from others and ourselves. But it's do-able.
And you get strength from believing yourself. I think.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
i've had to work my way back from full trauma induced amnesia with precious few ways to either confirm or deny any of flashbacks/memories which have emerged over the 40 years of therapy it has taken to heal the brain damage. i'm not sure the healing is done, but for certain, my memory functions have healed quite bit. i believe i am the only senior citizen on the planet whose memory is improving with age. just believing. . . proof irrelevant. the therapy works when i work it.

during early therapy, i agonized continually over what to believe or disbelieve of this psychotic process. quite a few members of my healing network have encouraged me to **just** do my honest best with the information available. i take that info at face value and sort the fact from as the info becomes easier to review/talk/think about. as the surrounding psychosis settles, i trust my instinct and the settling of time to tell the truth from the psychotic manifestations.

but that is me and every case is unique. . .

steadying support while you sort your own case
 

Weemie

MyPTSD Pro
I know this thread is a bit old but I definitely relate to this a lot & it is something I struggle with on a daily basis when I disappear and get lost. My abusers would alternate between threatening my life and my family to saying it wouldn't matter if I told anyone because no one would believe me.

The cop that raped me told me no one would believe me because I was just a piece of shit juvenile delinquent and he was a respected police officer. And that's true, most people don't believe that stuff happens even though if you go on Reddit and read certain subs dedicated to calling out police abuses, very often they are part of organized sexual abuse and covering up for their partners.

My abusers trained me to perpetrate armed violence and torture and they trafficked me and many other kids sexually as well. They escalated things to the point, purposefully, where if I told someone it would be outlandish, and I would sound crazy or like a liar or like I dreamed it and don't know the difference between dreams and reality.

Like abusing me while wearing Halloween masks and shit, drugging me with crack and making me hurt other ppl with a machete, using machines on me, tying me to a table and electrocuting me and waterboarding me and shit and beating me and damaging my nerves and putting me in a wheelchair for 2 years.

One of them admitted to me that they started off with kids because kids were easier to train than adults. They're easier to brainwash and indoctrinate and you get more loyalty and cruelty out of kids. And if you look at the research he is right. Kids don't have developed morals and when you teach them to hurt others they will do it. Especially me because I already had developmental problems & reactive attachment & empathy deficits & conduct disorder/ODD (IDK if that was from them or if that existed beforehand).

And that was true of me as a kid as well. I was exceptionally cruel, and I believed that we were the good guys. That some of (not all, not the innocent kids or babies) the ppl I hurt deserved to be hurt bc they were rats, bc they were the enemy, bc we were teaching them a lesson. Most of my abusers were put through the same things as me. They never got out of it.

I met one of them last week & he gave me $200 and a full pack of smokes and apologized for giving me crack as a kid. He never got out of it & is a pimp and a liar (he said he was in Afghanistan but he was just in sea cadets, lol.) But he obviously somewhere inside has remorse, why would he have tried to pay me back?

I struggle constantly with believing that it is real or assuming that I'm in a simulation, or that I'm psychotic. It doesn't help that most therapists and doctors just plain do not understand me when I speak and assume that I'm exaggerating even though I have physical proof of what happened to me.

There is video evidence of one assault at 16, there is hospital records of my injuries and treatment records from 8-9 months of residential treatment & outpatient treatment at the RD/CSI center here in my province. Am grateful that One therapist recognized the signs and from all the shit I talked about and managed to get me enough treatment that I didn't end up killing someone, dead myself, homeless or in prison.

But even then it doesn't matter. I was just hospitalized last week and they had no idea what I was saying and I sounded psychotic and that's how they treated me and it is difficult to get out of that mindset that maybe I am just psychotic, and that would be a lot better/easier if it were the case because at least I would just be crazy and didn't really endure any of this shit.

I wasn't tortured, I wasn't raped, I wasn't forced to hurt people. No one was really hurt. The pain isn't real. I'm just a crazy guy.
 
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