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Anyone have an estranged sister?

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Starfish

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My older sister (now age 67) was an arrogant, mean bully growing up. She was embarrassed of her family and taunted her siblings. Through our adult years, she has not changed but is extremely subtle with her abuse. I cut her off in 2006 when our narsisistic mom passed away, I had had enough. My 37 year old son is in contact with her. We moved many states away, many years ago. My son lives near me. He mentioned today that she and her husband is coming through our area and he and his family will meet up with them. I wish I were "bigger than my feelings" and could join them but it was SO bad and she was SO mean and has not changed that every part of me says "no". I will not even have contact with her children who are all grown just because I feel so strongly about this sister. I really have been feeling fine (except when guilt comes in) and in acceptance with my feelings around this sister but I cannot seem to shake all these guilt feelings, like I am not a good example to my son or that it is unhealthy to harbor resentment. She is so toxic to me. I know that if she showed some sign of wanting a relationship with me, I would respond. We could not see each other for 5 years and then see each other and she shows no sign of interest and starts her subtle bullying that noone notices unless really looking for it. Wondering if anyone out there has any similar experiences and how you handle it. Thanks for any input or thoughts!
 
Yes, I have an estranged sister and the main bully and pain maker just recently died.

I do not feel you are 'holding a resentment' as much as you are holding your boundary. Maybe you still have some things to work thru in regard to her, but somewhere the old saying of 'blood is thicker than water' no longer has a lot of meaning. Didn't for me.

My sister was toxic and acted as you described yours. I went no contact. It was what I needed to do for myself. This is healthy. Hope you can work thru the guilt. It is not a motivation to re-engage with someone who causes harm. Maybe one day your son will understand.
 
I don't know if my perspective helps you feel better or not, but I don't think you should feel guilty. You can say to your son, the Aunt you know is not the sister I knew.

My husband was friendly with his aunt (up until very recently). It was well known that his mother did not have a relationship with her sister. I knew that when we visited my MIL's sister my MIL would be silently angry and bitter. She wouldn't say anything, but I knew it bothered her a lot. But my husband had had a positive relationship with this aunt, and this aunt had supported our children, her great nieces and nephew, in all of their important childhood life events. I would not want my MIL to feel one bit guilty about not joining us.

My MIL would explain some of the dysfunctional family imbalances and inequities that she grew up with, and the mean and selfish sister she had to grow up with. My MIL also said she understood that this aunt was nice and doted on my husband. So she understood our visiting her. I could see some symptoms in this aunt such as her outbursts at holidays when things didn't go exactly as she had planned them (as any large dinner has the logistical snafus in winter weather!) -- I could see evidence that this aunt probably was on the wicked side. She would make subtle yet mean comments about my appearance. She would gossip about others (something I detest).

Today, I will not have anything to with the aunt. Five years ago, she became unrealistic and irrational in her expectations toward my adult daughter and repeatedly harrassed her through email. My husband's cousins were so embarrassed by their mother's behavior. Though I know this lady has something wrong with her, and she can't help her behavior, my compassion is gone. I will feel sorry for her from a distance.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this unpleasantness. But you have a choice who you let in your life. If she is not willing to take ownership of her crap and truly apologize and work at being a better sister then it's safer for you and your family to keep your distance. (In my opinion). I'm very lucky my own sister loves me and always did. I cherish it. I have friends who are estranged from their sisters and brothers.
 
Maybe one day your son will understand

thanks ladee. i appreciate the support and I agree with you. I wonder what that must feel like to have her gone, permanently from your life. With my parents, I was relieved.

When we visit where we grew up , I drop the kids off so they can go visit her and it is hard as it feels like such a blatant estrangement. I've felt strongly not to say too much negative about her and to keep a good, positive attitude since she is his aunt and he is the type that would not estrange her just because I did nor, really, would I expect him to. But I would love it if he understood. I wanted to tell him all the bad things I remember about her today as they were flinging around my mind. Today I realized that part of her mean spirit loves the idea of visiting him to show "how big" she is , being a good aunt , since I pretty much ignore her children...... I know her that well. It may sound pretty sick but I would not be surprised if I am correct.

I guess I am the opposite. I think one of the reasons I do not stay in contact with her children is that I refuse to be in contact with her and it seems like that would eliminate me from their family. I used to engage with them with facebook and visit when in town but I notice I started distancing after quite a few years of my blatant estrangement and I felt uncomfortable visiting with her kids while ignoring her. It seemed weird to me, if that makes sense.

You can say to your son, the Aunt you know is not the sister I knew."
I really like that hithere!
wow, looks like your MIL's sister never changed her tune.
your words have been my truth. Sometimes it's hard though.
I think my truth in this matter is that I can be content with my world, just the way it is, without guilt of an estranged sister who never had an interest in me nor has my best interests at heart. Some times one must go to acceptance. thanks again!
 
Yes, I do have an estranged sister. We haven't spoken in 8 years. I'm very hurt about it. She is my older sister and only sister. She is very self centered and the type of sis that if she hears I am having any difficulties in life she can't get away from me fast enough so as to not affect her life in any way. I wish so much I could have a supportive sister in life.

I understand your hurt. It is hard to not have anyone to talk to about it.

I wonder does she treat your son good? Does she set up her relationship with your son so that it is difficult for him to see how she really treats you?
 
@crushed, I had already done a lot of healing work in regard to her before she died. It sounds cold, but I felt nothing. I grieved the sister I never had a long time ago.

I had a relationship with her kids because we were close in age. Still very close to one of my nephews. And the line' you aunt is not the sister I knew' is what I have said to my nephew. 'Your mom was not the sister I knew'. And left it at that.

I have had the opportunity to have 'chosen sisters' in my life. Women that are like what I imagined sisters to be. We can still have 'family', it just doesn't have to be the ones we were born to.

And is it guilt or shame you feel? The reason I'm asking is that my sister could shame the paint off of a house!! So for a long time, I thought what I was feeling was guilt. I had nothing to feel guilty about. But shame on the other hand, the very toxic kind that says we are bad people, not just that we have done something we may need to correct. She was good at taking every ounce of joy, happiness, accomplishments, etc away from me as a child and young woman. She hated me. I know why. Doesn't change anything.

So heal the guilt/shame and be proud that you survived her treatment of you, and stay on the road that keeps you moving forward.

What others think of me is none of my business. Hard to work to up to that point, but it can be done.

I am sorry that she was allowed to do so much damage. But you are doing the right things for the right reasons. So be proud of yourself for picking YOU!
 
I am estranged from my sister, but not because I choose to be. She cut me off years ago because I opted NOT to cut my father off. I have always tried very hard not to see others through just my own lens; my father was horrible to me in many ways as I was growing up, but he definitely changed/mellowed as he got older. And I got older, so I tried to let some of the grudges go. Not completely successful at that LOL, but the stuff I held onto makes me miserable.

I don't think there's anything at all wrong with cutting one's self off from a toxic family member. I do think, though, that it is to our own benefit to try and reconnect and resolve our issues. That said, I was unsuccessful with my own sister. Makes me sad.
 
Yes, I do have an estranged sister. We haven't spoken in 8 years. I'm very hurt about it. She is my older sister and only sister. She is very self centered and the type of sis that if she hears I am having any difficulties in life she can't get away from me fast enough so as to not affect her life in any way. I wish so much I could have a supportive sister in life.

I understand your hurt. It is hard to not have anyone to talk to about it.

I wonder does she treat your son good? Does she set up her relationship with your son so that it is difficult for him to see how she really treats you?

sorry about how your sister treats you, NIKI? I have the same wish as you desiring a supportive sister. Truth to tell with me, the sadness of the relationships in our family seems to have affected me greater than the others. I guess I had too many expectations of what a family ought to be or rather of what I needed in a family. We were a mess!!!!! Parents were a mess!!!!

Yes, my sister treats my son very good . I believe she delights in treating him great while treating me like dirt. It helps disguise her bad behavior to her family of origin and others she chooses to target with her bias and superiority. It would be very difficult for my son to picture his Aunt as a mean person based on the way she rolls out the red carpet for him on their occasional visits. We've been 1,300 miles apart since he was 1 years old but I went back to visit the whole family through the years and sent him to stay with my family for vacations in the summer a few times when he was young. So, he , along with his wife and growing family might see her every 2 or 3 years currently.

It is so very discouraging visualizing how rude and dismissive she has always been with me in contrast with her welcoming behavior she exhibits to my son and family. Now that I am thinking about it, she is exhibiting behavior that my mother had. My mother treated the world outside the family very friendly, welcoming, open-minded. Meanwhile, at home she ignored and demeaned her children.... never having a conversation with us, lost in her own narcissistic world of impressing the world with her political and community involvements. She had many at her memorial who thought the world of her.

In answer to your question, NIKI, I guess I feel like it really does not matter if he ever really understands or see's how she treats me. A part of me really wants him to understand, however. He does not have too many relatives at all so between her and my oldest sister, who stays connected, I don't like ruining relationships for him as he is a relationship type person, really liking people and thinking the best of them.

Thanks for your input, NIKI. It really helps to reflect on this situation with others and to know I am not alone in this estrangement experience.
 
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NIKI said:
Yes, I do have an estranged sister. We haven't spoken in 8 years. I'm very hurt about it. She is my older sister and only sister. She is very self centered and the type of sis that if she hears I am having any difficulties in life she can't get away from me fast enough so as to not affect her life in any way. I wish so much I could have a supportive sister in life.

I understand your hurt. It is hard to not have anyone to talk to about it.

I wonder does she treat your son good? Does she set up her relationship with your son so that it is difficult for him to see how she really treats you?
sorry about how your sister treats you, NIKI? I have the same wish as you desiring a supportive sister. Truth to tell with me, the sadness of the relationships in our family seems to have affected me greater than the others. I guess I had too many expectations of what a family ought to be or rather of what I needed in a family. We were a mess!!!!! Parents were a mess!!!!

Yes, my sister treats my son very good . I believe she delights in treating him great while treating me like dirt. It helps disguise her bad behavior to her family of origin and others she chooses to target with her bias and superiority. It would be very difficult for my son to picture his Aunt as a mean person based on the way she rolls out the red carpet for him on their occasional visits. We've been 1,300 miles apart since he was 1 years old but I went back to visit the whole family through the years and sent him to stay with my family for vacations in the summer a few times when he was young. So, he , along with his wife and growing family might see her every 2 or 3 years currently.

It is so very discouraging visualizing how rude and dismissive she has always been with me in contrast with her welcoming behavior she exhibits to my son and family. Now that I am thinking about it, she is exhibiting behavior that my mother had. My mother treated the world outside the family very friendly, welcoming, open-minded. Meanwhile, at home she ignored and demeaned her children.... never having a conversation with us, lost in her own narcissistic world of impressing the world with her political and community involvements. She had many at her memorial who thought the world of her.

In answer to your question, NIKI, I guess I feel like it really does not matter if he ever really understands or see's how she treats me. A part of me really wants him to understand, however. He does not have too many relatives at all so between her and my oldest sister, who stays connected, I don't like ruining relationships for him as he is a relationship type person, really liking people and thinking the best of them.

Thanks for your input, NIKI. It really helps to reflect on this situation with others and to know I am not alone in this estrangement experience.
 
Wondering if anyone out there has any similar experiences and how you handle it.

As long as everyone is an adult? I don’t care.

I refused to have anything to do with my former mother-in-law, up to and including she was not welcome in my home (whether I was there or not, to the degree I’d have called the police if I found her there), and if she showed up anywhere public or holiday type thing at someone else’s home I would take my son and leave. Not in a big flouncy kind of way, I have no desire to influence others in their choice of guests, it’s their choice. It mine to leave. (It’s even written into our divorce agreement that the woman is allowed zero contact -in person, supervised, phone/letter, etc.- with my son.) BUT? My husband was welcome to spend as much time with her as he liked. Truly. I wasn’t going to attempt to sway him in any direction whatsoever. He was allowed to have his own friends, and his own relationships, because he was a grownup who could make decisions for himself. Not all of those friends would also be MY friends, nor would I be pursuing any kind of relationship with them.

When there are kids involved / a duty of care? It’s a different matter. (As outlined above, Inwas perfectly happy for my husband to have a relationship with his mom, but there was no way in hell my son would. I’d say “over my dead body” except the court order doesn’t end at my death ;) It ends when my son reaches majority).

But since your baby is an adult? He can choose his own friends. They don’t have to also be your friends. You can choose your own friends. And they don’t have to also be his.
 
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I understand when you say that the hurt has affected you deeper than the others in your family. I am a highly sensitive person and I so wish I was not.

My family is also a huge mess. I had to go no contact 10 years ago but I am still haunted by the memory of both parent's emotional and physical violence.

It sounds to me that your sister being nice to your son is a strategy to hurt you more. It is so sad to me these people that love to play these mind games just to hurt others. It also amazes me at how easily others are fooled by these fake people. I am so highly sensitive that I can feel the energy of these fake people and they quickly drain all my energy.

Thank you for your reply. It is nice to meet you.
 
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