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Are my feelings gone?

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I know that when my SO (ex) started to distance himself, it did a number on me. It cranked up every bit of insecurity I have. Which is a lot. I reacted strongly.

We did split. My life, besides the homelessness, is much better than it was with him. I really needed to be just left to my own devices to heal, which I am doing.

While you are out living your life, what is he doing? I know you say he is isolating, but what does that look like? Isolation means different things to each of us. Also, is he getting therapy?
 
I don't think your feelings are gone. They have just been replaced by a different set of feelings.
 
With the isolation, the secrecy, the outbursts, the falling apart, the instability, the stubbornness...how could I not s...
My partners behaviour is exactly like you described. He is also a cptsd sufferer from childhood trauma.

It is really hard to be rejected for long periods of time and to feel like I'm the only one in the relationship who gives a damn. But I try to remind myself that it must be so much worse for him. I cannot imagine the things he went through. I just wish he would try a different approach to healing than this isolation and denial.
 
Being the supporter to somebody with a mental illness can wring you out. Compassion fatigue is a real thing.
 
With the isolation, the secrecy, the outbursts, the falling apart, the instability, the stubbornness...how could I not start feeling distant from my sufferer.

I think this is HUGE. And here's why:

It outlines what you need & want in a relationship, overall. Not everything, for sure, but some big ticket items that are very much missing in this relationship.

Does that mean I think you should breakup? No idea. You might be able to deal with feeling distant, you might even be able to be happy with feeling distant, or you might close the gap in another way, so you don't feel distant. Or it could be a deal breaker for you. Same as each of the individual ticket items that lead to you feeling disconnected.

Which is awesome because it takes PTSD off the table. These are things you will need & want in every relationship you're ever a part of. This one included. Which is something I often have a hard time explaining to people who are using PTSD as an excuse. Most of the people I've dated have PTSD. All of them? Handled their symptoms differently. Isolation in one person looked totally different from isolation in another person. Still isolation in every case, but some I was perfectly chill with, other annoyed me, others were completely intolerable. Same symptom. Different men. I wasn't breaking up with someone -or staying together- because of their PTSD. I was breaking up -or staying together- because of how we worked.


He's a good man and worth loving, but...
All of the men I've dated -excepting 3- were damn good men, very worthy of loving. That has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not WE worked together as a couple.


I don't want to judge him, but I can't help it sometimes.
It's not about judging him. It's about judging what YOU want in a partner.

Things are going to drive you nuts about anyone and everyone you date. Those things? Are your problem, not theirs. Just like the things that drive someone else nuts that you do? Are THEIR problem, not yours.

What we like/dislike in people has very little to do with them. It has to do with what WE want or don't want, or what we need.

I've told the story many times about how my mom's argumentativenes drives me insane. My dad? Thinks it's sexy as hell. So which one of us is "right"? Doesn't matter. Our opinions of my mom's temper aren't fact, they say nothing about my mom. They say how we individually feel about an aspect of my mom.

Have any of you experienced this phase? I know it's not a good sign and many of you will say I should break it off if I feel this way. But I get that all the time from friends who know nothing about PTSD, and that black and white thinking isn't all too helpful right now.

Relationships tend to have pretty predictable arcs.
- 0-6mo. Most relationships tend to fail in the first 6 months. That enough time to really get to know whether the foundation is maybe there. Including day 1 NOPE! No foundation! as well as the "things are getting serious" thing that happens and deciding to call halt.
- 2-3 years = then next watergate. That's when people have been together long enough to be able to seriously look at the structure of their relationship and decide whether or not they can live with it, long term. All the faults (like your list above) are clear as day after a couple few years.
- 3-4 years = most couples worst year together. It's almost always hard. Probably, in no small part, because all the faults people decided to live with the year before? Are still super glaring AND work-around haven't been found, yet. I know people married 60 years who still laugh/cringe over how bad their 4th year was.
- 7 years people tend to get bored. The honeymoon is over. The will we / won't we? is over. Settling in for the long haul, or sabotage, tend to be the orders of the day.

List goes on.

Point being, you're exactly on arc to be examining your relationship & deciding whether or not this is how you want to be living.

Examination? Doesn't mean it's time to end it. Also doesn't mean it's time to stay.
 
When they isolate and there is no communication or contact over a period of time, well, that allows for a supporter to review the entire relationship and look at things that were ignored. Although I still very much love my ex bf (for now) I don’t know if I would welcome him back this time (if and when he returns). I see that ptsd is very selfish, stubborn, manipulative, hyper-vigilant, erratic and sometimes promiscuous. We as supporters are supposed to be mentally and emotionally strong enough to endure this behavior on a regular basis. My hats off to those who can ignore and accept what ptsd can bring to the relationship. I have to say that I’ve learned a lot over the course of a year, and it’s been quite an eye-opening experience.
 
* "ignore and accept". These words are not accurate.

All the supporters here are here because we don't "ignore and accept" these things. We're here to find ideas and information to help our suffers get through the year, day or moment.

These are symptoms of PTSD and we (myself and my sufferer) are trying to figure out what works for us. As a team.

Yes, some people ignore.... Those are the people fighting PTSD by themselves. Their sufferer isn't doing the hard work of recovery. And they are co dependant. Will take behavior most won't. Imo.

Sorry you're all struggling but if you are the only one putting in the work to recover. It's pointless. The sufferer has to do the work or nothing will change.

Babbling now. Sorry.
 
I wanted to say thank you for everyone's valuable input. It really makes me feel less alone, insane, and isolated. I have nowhere to turn to but here. I have well meaning friends, family, and a semi-helpful therapist, but unless you're in this situation with someone, you have not the slightest about what it all means or what to do. I'm still at a crossroads, now that he's briefly come out of isolation to blow up again and somehow make everything my fault. I was strong before, and removed, even so far as to question if I was "too" removed. It's strange how that happens, huh, I'm now kind of a mess. Just hurt and confused, and off balance again. I can deal with his isolation, but not when he somehow twist it to make it my fault.
 
PTSD stress cup. Read AND understand it.

PTSD is a MENTAL disorder. Nothing rational about it. No cure. Only therapy and learning coping strategies. Sometimes medication. It can go into "remission" sometimes. Hence trying new relationships.

It's a nasty disorder that effects everyone involved. You have to work together. If either party can't/won't that's when you have to decide what you can/will live with. It's okay to realize it isn't something you can live with in a relationship.

The sufferer doesn't have a choice. They have to live with it. But they don't have to succumb to it. It doesn't have to define them. They can fight it every step of the way. Or not.

Take a step back and take care of yourself right now. Decide if this is the life you want. Be true to yourself. You (we all) deserve the relationship we want/need.

May your friend find peace and happiness.
 
I was strong before, and removed, even so far as to question if I was "too" removed. It's strange how that happens, huh, I'm now kind of a mess. Just hurt and confused, and off balance again. I can deal with his isolation, but not when he somehow twist it to make it my fault.
I'm sorry this is happening. No words of advice beyond what's already been said.

There is another possibility to consider: He is already choosing to stay where he is at by not getting help or doing anything else to work on his recovery. Where he is at is working for him well enough right now, that he isn't changing, and he's got you to blame and dump on. Or, he may actually be choosing to end it, through this shitty way of trying to push you away through isolation and blaming you.
 
I've been with my sufferer almost 5 years. There have been times over that period where I have felt numb towards him. There have been times I have felt completely emotionally disconnected from him. And, hell, there have been times when I've been so angry or hurt that I can hardly stand to look at him. But, so far, we've hung in there. And 'that loving feelin' has come back every time.

How to tell the difference between a rough patch and a relationship you should end? I have no freaking idea.
 
Boy, I'm sorry... and I can completely relate to your pain. I'm in the same place right now. Because of my own PTSD, it's hard for me to know what is or isn't healthy for either one of us.

I know I'm hurt right now. It's a level of hurt that I can't even handle right now. I'm honestly beginning to question if he's being abusive and I never noticed before because he doesn't hit me.

One of my therapists brought up that question. Now I'm completely unsure of what is real and what isn't. I have no clue what to do and part of me wants to run. Is it my PTSD, is it a reaction to his PTSD and how he's acting right now, is it just he's as ass and I'm to blind to realize it for the last 8 years, or any I crazy and premenstrual?

I have NO idea.... but I do understand what you're going through. We've always made it through these times, so I hold on, but are things getting better or worse? Am I questioning leaving more because my own therapy is "healing" me so I don't want to live in dysfunction anymore?

I'm sorry you're questioning too... for me this is leading to a ton of anxiety...I even had a major panic attack yesterday. I'm not coping well...
 
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