Are my rape nightmares connected to a flashback

Lilac98

MyPTSD Pro
I don't have a diagnosis of ptsd but I was abused and it's possible I have it. I don't remember being raped but I've had 3 rape nightmares which have started since I spoke about my abuse. The most recent one was the worst I spent the whole next day feeling like I was a child and feeling really upset. It's always random men in these dreams. I also had a nightmare of my grandad who abused me fingering me but I don't remember this happening. I had a flashback a while ago where grandad was holding my arms down on a bed and the duvet disappeared and I didn't see anything else and I wonder if it's connected with the rape nightmares.
 

Lilac98

MyPTSD Pro
Memory is a cluster f*ck. The longer between a memory and attempted recollection, the more likely the memory is skewed. Not to say an event did not happen, but your recollection may now contain many inaccuracies compared to the actual event. This is the very problem with trauma. What is real and what is not?

I remember doing prolonged exposure, writing our an event over and over, as each time something would trigger something else. Some of the end result was real and factual, some was BS my mind had added as I could ask people who were there, beside me, their recollection. Mine and theirs (plural) was different in some aspects. Even some of those very people all had different recollections from each other.

Memory is very subjective and problematic. Witnesses help piece some things together, but again, their memory will be subjective too.
I trust the two incidents I remember that happened after g was out of prison even if mum doesn't think one of them happened cause apparently someone would have seen and I didn't seem distressed at the time but she was also annoyed that I didn't say anything at the time cause he would have gone back to prison for reofending.
 

Roland

Confident
@Lilac98 it's often hard for those around and close to you to believe it happened, because it shatters their "manufactured happy image" especially it being family. Also, trauma can cause freeze or fawn mode, which doesn't look distressed.

I wasn't saying I don't believe you, and I'm sorry if you perceive it that way. I'm trying to help you use your logic and analytical skills to analyze, that was helpful for me when I was trying to sort out my own shit.

As I've said before, the only one that can know what you've been through is you. I can't tell you one way or another if x happened or didn't, so I'm a completely neutral party. I'm happy to listen and help anyway I can, and I'm sorry if what I see as helpful isn't helpful for you.
 

Lilac98

MyPTSD Pro
@Lilac98 it's often hard for those around and close to you to believe it happened, because it shatters their "manufactured happy image" especially it being family. Also, trauma can cause freeze or fawn mode, which doesn't look distressed.

I wasn't saying I don't believe you, and I'm sorry if you perceive it that way. I'm trying to help you use your logic and analytical skills to analyze, that was helpful for me when I was trying to sort out my own shit.

As I've said before, the only one that can know what you've been through is you. I can't tell you one way or another if x happened or didn't, so I'm a completely neutral party. I'm happy to listen and help anyway I can, and I'm sorry if what I see as helpful isn't helpful for you.
It wasn't exactly a perfect family considering he'd already been to prison for abusing my sisters but I think when he got out they wanted things to go back to normal as much as possible
 

Roland

Confident
It wasn't exactly a perfect family considering he'd already been to prison for abusing my sisters but I think when he got out they wanted things to go back to normal as much as possible
So they wanted to believe he was "better now" so they resisted believing you

So they wanted to believe he was "better now" so they resisted believing you
Which is such bullshit, lol, like yes abusers can change but it seems very rare to me
 

Lilac98

MyPTSD Pro
Which is such bullshit, lol, like yes abusers can change but it seems very rare to me
He apparently abused and was weird around like 7 people in my family according to my dad, not including me and a friend of my great aunt who is about 10 years younger than my nanny who married grandad when she was 19. I seem to be the only one who isn't taken seriously cause I forgot about the incidents for years before remembering them and mum says their not bad enough to block out and with one of my sisters she was really upset about her experience and didn't forget any of it. Basically he's always been abusive mum said he has weird stories about how his dad treated him but he never said he was abused. Grandad not my dad.
 

Roland

Confident
He apparently abused and was weird around like 7 people in my family according to my dad, not including me and a friend of my great aunt who is about 10 years younger than my nanny who married grandad when she was 19. I seem to be the only one who isn't taken seriously cause I forgot about the incidents for years before remembering them and mum says their not bad enough to block out and with one of my sisters she was really upset about her experience and didn't forget any of it.
It's hard to find your space with it, when others have come forward with stories sooner/louder. Best thing you can do is heal separate from them, find space away from them.
 

Lilac98

MyPTSD Pro
She dismissed your memory, yet wanted you to report it to send him to jail.
Now she's saying she does believe it happened she just couldn't believe how it could have happened. I don't get why anything he did to me would be so hard to believe when he'd already abused so many people in the family. I seem to be the only one she doesn't take seriously. She just says one of my sisters went through a lot worse and she can't see why I'm so bothered by what happened to me. Then my autism worker said maybe if I look at other people's problems mine won't seem so bad (adding to the invalidation)
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
I hear you on the invalidation. Sorry that’s happening to you. It happened to me too for 20 years. It’s a strange and isolating experience.

Even if we believe you it doesn’t matter for your sake without the diagnosis and a professional to treat you.

I have no words just that I understand how hard that is, and about repressed memories too.

She just says one of my sisters went through a lot worse and she can't see why I'm so bothered by what happened to me.
In my family something similar happened. My dad sexually abused me but his dad raped my aunt when she was a girl way worse. It took me a long time to understand that my abuse still hurt.
maybe if I look at other people's problems mine won't seem so bad
I had two T’s tell me this. One gave me examples of “real” abuse her other clients had experienced. Another called my experiences “small potatoes”.

I understand your anger. Hoping you find a professional who will take the time to work with you.
 
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