Rose White
MyPTSD Pro
Are depression and suicidal thoughts always the result of self judgment? Even if the original source was an outsider bully, once internalized it becomes a habit, right?
And originally it was a survival thing right?
This is how I’m thinking at the moment... Childhood abuse caused near-constant emotional and mental pain. Source of pain (abuser) never went away and strong cultural pressure to accept parent was ever present..
In adolescence, separation meant internalizing the source of the pain for survival. If the judgment came from inside, and was worse than outside, then no parental judgment could get in—they were shut off and a new relationship with parents, that of emotional acting became predominant. Eventually, in early adulthood it was forgotten that acting was taking place with other adults too and it was assumed that “growing up” had completed.
The inner critic governed emotional regulation and as painful emotional experiences piled up, it worked harder and harder to prevent them. It thought we could perfect our responses if it continually reminded us to “shut it down and think positive.”
Unfortunately even positive emotions led to pain so those were judged as well.
Ironically, the self-hatred and emotional judgment was intended to protect me, I now realize, from the pain of abandonment. Although this insight does not stop the reflexive self-judgment, I believe the awareness is a crack, a tiny foothold, a possible entry point into gaining control over the critic.
So my question, is the inner critic the main source of depression and suicidal thoughts or are there other sources?
And originally it was a survival thing right?
This is how I’m thinking at the moment... Childhood abuse caused near-constant emotional and mental pain. Source of pain (abuser) never went away and strong cultural pressure to accept parent was ever present..
In adolescence, separation meant internalizing the source of the pain for survival. If the judgment came from inside, and was worse than outside, then no parental judgment could get in—they were shut off and a new relationship with parents, that of emotional acting became predominant. Eventually, in early adulthood it was forgotten that acting was taking place with other adults too and it was assumed that “growing up” had completed.
The inner critic governed emotional regulation and as painful emotional experiences piled up, it worked harder and harder to prevent them. It thought we could perfect our responses if it continually reminded us to “shut it down and think positive.”
Unfortunately even positive emotions led to pain so those were judged as well.
Ironically, the self-hatred and emotional judgment was intended to protect me, I now realize, from the pain of abandonment. Although this insight does not stop the reflexive self-judgment, I believe the awareness is a crack, a tiny foothold, a possible entry point into gaining control over the critic.
So my question, is the inner critic the main source of depression and suicidal thoughts or are there other sources?