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General Are these signs of coming out of isolation?

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Fitlady

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My boyfriend of almost 2 years has PTSD and I have seen to different degrees when he is triggered when:
1. When talking and the phone just hangs up and he calls back (thinking he had to get himself together)
2. Seen him just look disconnected and look confused about his surroundings
3. He has told me that he loses time and just drives and figures out that he just ended up somewhere else
4. Ask him a question and get rambling sometime
5. Have him change plans at the last minute, because he just needed to be by himself
6. Told me he has made his friends and family mad because he forgets
7. Told me he sometimes feel numb and know feelings for his kids and family
8. He has guilt about being here and his friends are not
9. Laying with me and then he said I just had a dark thought
10. Losing things more frequently
11. He called me and said he checked himself into the VA (late July). And told me he did not have a lot of access to his phone
12. Anxiety has gotten worse the last 2 months.
So after reading all of the sufferers comments about trust...I feel like he has some in me to share this...fast forward

He recently has been triggered terribly (a build up if U will over a lot of life issues happening), two important projects that may require legal action (he feels like he is being bullied (which I think he is) , he just had a Birthday (did not want to celebrate), mother passed a couple of months ago, and he has been traveling like crazy. He definitely admits and keeps busy to distract his mind!! I witnessed an episode at the end of July where the pressure in his head was so great, he started hitting his head and then he threw up. So I sat with him until he felt better, and he would come and cuddle and just kind of jump while he tried to sleep. Sad he said this happens from time to time and last like 5 to 6 hours. We had a disagreement a week later and he blew up and he told me needed to go into combat mode and disconnect because he has to not let emotions effect his missions (that was early August). He said he is feeling numb and needs to be like this. I asked what does he want me to do...he said he cannot deal with the relationship right now and needs space and I said I believe he knows what he needs to do to get better and I said I would let him have space. But after reading this thread, I am realizing that he has maintained contact with me. He texts small messages, sends emojis, and makes brief calls to me (and a couple of times the phone just hung up or he gets off the phone abruptly). I think he gets panicky. I tried to remember to match his text messages with what he sends. They are short and without questions. Just saying I am thinking of him. I learned from the sufferers on this forum that when he sends me one word texts or messages with strange spelling and choppy that that may be all That he can muster up and process. Anywho....I feel like he is slowly coming out of isolation because he is calling and talking a little more (but being vague now and saying he will have to tell me some things later). Still short conversations. Is it normal to slowly amp up conversation after coming out of isolation? And if so, why? Also, I think he needs to feel like I am safe again (not really sure why...but I think this was the first time we had a disagreement that was time around his stress cup being full). Am I interpreting this correctly and doing the right things by not making much contact and letting him come to me slowly? I have not asked him any questions other than how he feels and if he is sleeping. And he in turns asks how I am doing and how my kids are doing?



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Is it normal to slowly amp up conversation after coming out of isolation? And if so, why?
Why? For me as a sufferer, it is like coming out of cold water... if I jump into warm water too fast, it will hurt. It’s kind of like that, and kind of like weightlifting. Gotta build up the muscle again. Isolation is a maladaptive way to cope with symptoms. His symptoms are probably still high, and so he’s taking it slow to avoid symptom spikes he can’t handle, and to warm up to contact again.
 
11. He called me and said he checked himself into the VA (late July). And told me he did not have a lot of access to his phone

This here is a biggie. Like the others said, sounds like he is communicating as best as he can. I’d let him lead, if it was me, and continue to give him space. It’s great he is checking in with you. All the best to the two of you
 
. Is it normal to slowly amp up conversation after coming out of isolation? And if so, why?
For me? It really depends on what sent me down that road in the first place. It's like waking up from a dream. Sometimes you wake up slowly and have to get your bearings before you can function and sometimes you wake right up and jump out of bed to start your day.
doing the right things by not making much contact and letting him come to me slowly? I
Yep. It sounds like you are doing everything right, which may be why he is keeping in touch. He knows you will give him space as he needs it. That is super important to an isolater.
 
This here is a biggie. Like the others said, sounds like he is communicating as best as he can. I’d let him lead, if it was me, and continue to give him space. It’s great he is checking in with you. All the best to the two of you
Thanks so much for the reply.

Thanks so much for the reply.
Much appreciated!!

For me? It really depends on what sent me down that road in the first place. It's like waking up from a dream. Sometimes you wake up slowly and have to get your bearings before you can function and sometimes you wake right up and jump out of bed to start your day.

Yep. It sounds like you are doing everything right, which may be why he is keeping in touch. He knows you will give him space as he needs it. That is super important to an isolater.
Why? For me as a sufferer, it is like coming out of cold water... if I jump into warm water too fast, it will hurt. It’s kind of like that, and kind of like weightlifting. Gotta build up the muscle again. Isolation is a maladaptive way to cope with symptoms. His symptoms are probably still high, and so he’s taking it slow to avoid symptom spikes he can’t handle, and to warm up to contact again.
Thank u! Ur explanation makes perfect sense.
 
You guys are definitely right on the money about him not being quite ready. Talked to him yesterday and we had more of a conversation and he said that he wanted to see me this week (but I got the feeling that it is not a good idea right now). So I just said ok....but I am thinking I will not mention it at all to give him the chance to back out without having the pressure of having to actually say it. Knowing him
and how he sounds when he is somewhat a little happy....Definitely think a visit would not be good for him. Feeling like his enthusiasm is a little premature and manufactured (thinking He thinks I need to hear that and so he may be saying it for my benefit to make me feel ok...but I don’t really need for him to do that). Or maybe at that moment that is how he felt....but I know that could change in the next instant (learned that from the sufferers on the forum). I did also mention at the end of the conversation again that I am ok with him saying he still needs space and more time. He said he knows and that he is doing much better (again I think this is the case...but I still feel like he needs space) So I will on my end just make sure it is there and let him continue to make his quick calls and texts as he feels.
 
I think it’s wonderful you are letting him take the lead on connection. It’s so hard to do. You’ve done well to make it easy to take space when needed. It’s ok for him to connect too, even prior to when you sense that he’s ready. In both directions, pulling away and getting closer, it’s about him making the choices he needs to make. And you taking care of you.

For one sufferer in my life that struggles to connect at times, whenever they get excited to make plans, I just go with it. Lightly. I usually have a backup plan. Then if we connect, then we get to have fun together, and if we don’t, no biggie. No pressure.

It’s going to vary and change from time to time and from sufferer to sufferer. For me, when I start to isolate as a sufferer, I know that if I can initiate plans for connecting, I’m ready. I also know that once I start connecting it gets easier over time. Some sufferers it’s totally different. Being ready isn’t always going to be the same as symptom free. Or even being sure. That’s ok. Trying is half the battle. Isolation and avoidance is a way to cope, but avoidance is also a symptom and unhealthy to do for very long. The more I avoid the harder it will be to reconnect.

You’ve done a good job giving him space. Even if he connects because he says you need/want to do so, that’s ok. It’s not damaging to him let that happen. It feels good as a sufferer, as a human, to meet another’s need for connection. Let him make the effort. If it doesn’t work, you got this, you know what to do. He’s willing to take space he needs and you are willing to respect it. That create more room to connect.

It’s so hard to explain... I hope this makes a little sense but it may not.

If *you* are too uncomfortable to connect, that’s different. But it seems like you are up for it. It won’t harm him to try. You are also wise to know and plan than he may back out at the last minute too.
 
For me? It really depends on what sent me down that road in the first place. It's like waking up from a dream. Sometimes you wake up slowly and have to get your bearings before you can function and sometimes you wake right up and jump out of bed to start your day.

Yep. It sounds like you are doing everything right, which may be why he is keeping in touch. He knows you will give him space as he needs it. That is super important to an isolater.
Thank u. Makes perfect sense using the analogy of just waking up. But also good to understand that coming out of isolation may not always look the same. Sometimes gradual..,sometimes instant. I appreciate u all answering because it makes so much more sense hearing it from the suffer’s perspective.
 
I think it’s wonderful you are letting him take the lead on connection. It’s so hard to do. You’ve done well to make it easy to take space when needed. It’s ok for him to connect too, even prior to when you sense that he’s ready. In both directions, pulling away and getting closer, it’s about him making the choices he needs to make. And you taking care of you.

For one sufferer in my life that struggles to connect at times, whenever they get excited to make plans, I just go with it. Lightly. I usually have a backup plan. Then if we connect, then we get to have fun together, and if we don’t, no biggie. No pressure.

It’s going to vary and change from time to time and from sufferer to sufferer. For me, when I start to isolate as a sufferer, I know that if I can initiate plans for connecting, I’m ready. I also know that once I start connecting it gets easier over time. Some sufferers it’s totally different. Being ready isn’t always going to be the same as symptom free. Or even being sure. That’s ok. Trying is half the battle. Isolation and avoidance is a way to cope, but avoidance is also a symptom and unhealthy to do for very long. The more I avoid the harder it will be to reconnect.

You’ve done a good job giving him space. Even if he connects because he says you need/want to do so, that’s ok. It’s not damaging to him let that happen. It feels good as a sufferer, as a human, to meet another’s need for connection. Let him make the effort. If it doesn’t work, you got this, you know what to do. He’s willing to take space he needs and you are willing to respect it. That create more room to connect.

It’s so hard to explain... I hope this makes a little sense but it may not.

If *you* are too uncomfortable to connect, that’s different. But it seems like you are up for it. It won’t harm him to try. You are also wise to know and plan than he may back out at the last minute too.
Thank u for the response. Thanks for explaining why it is important for him to take the lead in when he is ready to connect even if it is because he thinks I need for him to. I never thought about that it is important to just let him make the effort based on what he says and feels and it is definitely no harm if it is not successful. I am ok with giving him space with no pressure. I am comfortable with seeing him...I think I was more concerned with him being comfortable. I need to just let him take the lead with when and how he pulls and connects because I seeing him trying hard and working hard....and that in itself means so much to me that he is trying. Thank u. He is a retired vet and has no problem with talking to therapists. I think that it may have been a while before he talked to one before he checked himself in the hospital. And I will also admit that he has always been upfront about his condition and that he has to try every day just to feel normal as a civilian, quiet his mind, and just be ok around people.
 
Got another one liner for today that said “I really appreciate u”. And I responded back in kind..... “I appreciate u too sweetheart.” Nothing more. Getting those kind of messages mean a lot because I have seen him personally get distracted, sidetracked, and go into a tunnel to get things done or feel better..,..so I appreciate seeing that he has a unsolicited thought of appreciation about me.
 
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