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Childhood are these symptoms of csa or just weird kid behaviour?

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kleo

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I saw some csa survivors speak about their experience and how it affected them online and I displayed very similar behaviours when I was a really young child. I come from an abusive household and can't remember a lot of things from those years but idk I think I would remember a sexual assault? I remember that when I was as young as 4-9 years old I would have graphic fantasies about
rape and sexual abuse and masturbate to it. I was always picturing myself as the "victim" of the rape.
I would also make my own toys act out these scenarios for me. Literally making
my dolls be kidnapped and raped etc.
as if it was perfectly normal.
Just generally I masturbated a lot. I always thought I am some sort of a pervert for having such thoughts and fantasies at like 5 years old, but now I am kind of concerned. Why would even a 5 year old find
rape attractive
As I got older I moved to violent porn and kept uo the whole masturbation stuff up to like 12 years old. Of course then I stopped. Then I experienced overly-sexualizing myself and being attracted to older men etc. and as I got even older it turned into complete touch repulsion.
I have no idea where this came from. I have really vivid memories of my older brother kissing me when I was very little but I always thought kids sometimes see kissing in movies and maybe we acted it out or something- also like I remember just kissing so it has nothing to do with these fantasies. I kind of remember my dad like lightly spanking my ass sometimes but it was kind of jokingly but my mom would always be mad at him for it. Still like this is not something to consider csa like god damn was i just a big pervert?
 
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No real way to know.

Abusive households ALSO do things like let kids watch R-rated movies, porn, violent porn, sex/violent sex/rape in real life (spousal rape is common in domestic violence, as are people having sex in inappropriate times/places), ditto having totally inappropriate discussions with no care to children present/listening, etc.

Most of the things you mentioned are definitely warning signs that you’ve been exposed to violent sexual content, and the abusive family makes it likely theyre the source of that (rather than, say, your best friend being molested), but whether or not you were the target or a witness IRL, or by way of film/media/3rd hand? Without more concrete recollection (by yourself or others) it’s really anyones guess.
 
Yes all that stuff should be considered as pointing to it potentially at least . Asking the question is the first big pointer and I continue to maintain just getting there is practically a miracle. Because you’re never supposed to tell anyone. Lots of survivors commit suicide before managing to ask anyone if they think this might have to do with CSA. So congratulations. Now having to look into it and hopefully get some help is usually nothing if not difficult. But you made it this far.
 
I can relate to some of these things. Are you in trauma therapy and/or have you tried EMDR? If you’re ready, that may be a place to start. Our brain protects us from so much, especially as small children. I was shocked at the things I suddenly remembered that I had blocked out. Also, the things that seemed normal to me growing up in an abusive household that were now registering as seriously disturbing. Change in perspective is important. Maybe ask yourself, as an adult, would I ever interact with a child that way? Or how would you feel if your kids interacted how you did with your siblings? Good luck! It’s tough work, but worth it.
 
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