Relationship Are we friends, in a relationship, not flirting enough or is it her PTSD?

truly caring

New Here
first off I’m 36 and this women is 30 and a Doctor.

We meet up/went on dates 7 times. After the first date she told me she wanted to go out again. After the second date she told me “I’m the first guy in a long time she felt like she could have a conversation with” and told me let’s go out again. On the 3rd date I ate dinner at her place and she told me she does not want to touch till me establish a relationship. Since then we went on 2 dates and meet up at her place 2 times.

She has told me she doesn’t know why she has opened up to me so fast. She told me she had a very hard childhood with her parents, but most of her PTSD was from her ex husband. She has a 6 year old son from the previous marriage. She said she saw red flags with her ex, but she went to kiss her ex on the cheek and he kissed her on the lips. After that her thoughts got confused and ignored the red flags.

She told me her ex would ignore her all the time and only wanted to spend time with her when he wanted sex. When she visited his parents he would constantly put her down in front of his parents and when she would tell him to stop he would tell her what’s the big deal everyone knows I was joking. She really didn’t open up more about the past, but said she finally went to a women’s shelter to get away from her ex.

Now she is going through a custody battle. She said her ex took her son from her for 7 months and wouldn’t let her see the son. Now he is finally letting her see the son. the father said you can only see the son if you have supervised visits with the neighbor. They finally went to court and the ex husband told the court he had friends spying on the house. The court said that the current visitation should continue and no extra visitation was added.

Last time I was there at her place the 7th time we meet up she was crying because the way the ex is treating her. I held her hand and hugged her a few times. That’s the first time we touched. Then we cooked dinner together. Later she started crying because she text her ex around 6:30 to speak to her son before he went to bed around 7:30pm. She said the ex told her I will text you when we get home. When they go home she told me he texted it’s to late now and why do you need to speak to you son your going to see him tomorrow anyways. She started crying.

Later in the evening before I left we had a talk and she held my hand tight and told he she wants to have open and honest communication with me. I asked her if she thinks shes able to be in a relationship right now and she said yes. She also said she though when she was crying when I arrived I was going to kiss her and she doesn't want me to kiss her when she’s emotional because she thinks I’m taking advantage of her.

I was not trying to kiss her.

Before I left she hugged me.

She does text me all the time about what’s going on in her life and did text me once that because her ex she is emotionally and her emotions are distorted. The way we were asking Questions about each other the first few dates I though it was clear what we both wanted.

Why do you think we have not kissed yet by the 7th time.? Are we just friends or am I not flirting enough or is it her PTSD?

ETA: I asked her on the phone once how she though our relationship was progressing and she said” I think it’s progressing well”. She never called it a date and only calls it a meetup.
 
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Friday

Moderator
Why do you think we have not kissed yet by the 7th time.? Are we just friends or am I not flirting enough or is it her PTSD?
I would guess* D) None of the above.

Because this...
On the 3rd date I ate dinner at her place and she told me she does not want to touch till me establish a relationship. Since then we went on 2 dates and meet up at her place 2 times.
She has told me she doesn’t know why she has opened up to me so fast.
...speaks to personality. As it sounds like, to her, you two are moving very quickly.

I know people like that. With very few exceptions (that they nearly always regret) they take MONTHS to get to what I consider first few dates material.

But in reverse? I take a zillion times longer than they do in other aspects of dating/relationships.

People who are TOO dissimilar in what’s a “good speed” and “good direction” to take a relationship in usually go their seperate ways fairly early on. Most people have a rhythm to relationships that they’re comfortable in, and whilst there’s some wiggle room on the timing? There’s often not a whole lot. Although, on request, there can often (not always, but often) be a lot more.

It sounds like the 2 of you are in each other’s wiggle-room, rather than sharing a natural rhythm. IE what she considers fast? You probably consider slow. But neither of you -yet!- are in the too fast / too slow zone.

So, from experience? I’d sit MYSELF down and explore what I’m really willing to live with? (could I wait a few months? Probably. Could I wait a year? Maybe. Could I wait a few years? Nope.)What effects my willingness/ability to wait happily? Because a lot of stuff does. For most of my dating life? I would kiss someone hello rather than goodbye, to save in awkwardness later. Ditto, I was almost never friends first. The way I found my best relationships were all “backwards” as far as regular dating rules/standards apply. But that worked for me. The very few exceptions to the way I ordinarily operated? Had very different causes AND end results. For example, if sex wasn’t almost immediately on the table? I was almost never interested. Except with a few people. In extraordinary circumstance. Like the bloke I met in the hospital. It was months before we had sex, and we were friends first. Very topsy-turvy for me. Lovely relationship though. in no small part because I sat myself down from time to time and did a running evaluation on what I needed & what I wanted. <<< And that’s my BIG lesson, when I’m working outside my comfort zone; be really secure in what I need/want before putting the ball in someone else’s court. Because once I know what I need/want? I can negotiate really easily/honestly. If I’m just sort of WTF is going on??? 😵 I’m far more likely to walk away from a potentially great relationship, stay in a bad one, cause hurt feelings/get my own feelings hurt, and other fun aspects of bumbling around in the dark (Ouch! Shin to coffee table. OUCH! Pinky toe. Aieeeeeee! Crash-thump-groan.).

I don’t have to think about what I’m used to / expect / am well practiced in. But not thinking, when I’m in new territory? Doesn’t always end badly, but it’s almost never graceful!

* So, my $2.02 = Consider what you need/want, then? Don’t guess (like I am) about what’s going on with her. Talk with her.
 

truly caring

New Here
What I meant by opening up so quickly was....... she told me about her past faster then she tells other guys,

Also I’m not looking for sex right away. It can be 6 months and I won’t care, but if your not kissing and snuggling your not in a relationship And I won’t be in a kiss less /snuggle less relationship.
 

Justmehere

Moderator
Why haven't you kissed? She explained why - she wants to go slow.

I can't speak to what's on her mind but for some trauma survivors of intimate partner violence, touching/kissing/snuggling feels very risky and can take some time to build up to it. She gave you a hug, so it doesn't seem like she's opposed to it, but rather that she is warming up slowly.

It's up to you to decide if you are willing to go slow too or not with her.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Also I’m not looking for sex right away. It can be 6 months and I won’t care, but if your not kissing and snuggling your not in a relationship And I won’t be in a kiss less /snuggle less relationship.
I can't speak for her at all (obviously), and but I do know that for me kissing and cuddling are VERY intimate. It takes trust. I need to feel safe with someone to do those things.
It sounds as though you need to have an open conversation with her about precisely what you say in this post. I.e. sex can wait but you would like a little phsycial closeness.
Although it does sound challenging to be having a conversation about that if she is distressed about her child and ex husband. The timing needs to be right.
But you do have a right to bring these things up. It is you expressing you are there and can wait, but you want to know what the parameters are.
 

lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
Per her, you are going too fast for her.

Personally, I will have sex on point but take sometimes years to open up. She's the opposite and that's ok. That's not PTSD so much but more what she feels comfortable with. Slow down. What's the rush anyway? Sex or kissing isn't everything and is a super small part of a relationship. Start with being or becoming friends. Best friends. Those are the best relationships in my opinion.
 
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