Asked For What I Needed

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mytai

MyPTSD Pro
Today I just finished a long weekend of group therapy (T was one of the two therapist's running it), it was really hard. I was already having a really rough week leading up to it, hadn't been to work for the first 3 days last week because of mental health reasons, then Thursday and Friday I was really sick with a respiratory infection. Then this weekend brought up some new, and old stuff in my past that I wasn't prepared for. I was prepared for things to come up, just not with such intensity. Last night I left feeling unsafe, but I made a healthy choice to protect myself from harming myself by taking a sleep aid. I made them aware of that when we were talking this morning, and I said that I was leaving tonight feeling unsafe and really exposed feeling.

I was asked by T what I needed to feel safe, I didn't know at the time, also embarrassed that she was asking what I needed. When I got home though I had enough time between saying goodbyes to everyone and the ride home to think about what I needed. I emailed T and asked for what I needed, and that was another session earlier this week, but also to keep my appointment with her on Thursday. I'm afraid to ask this of her because she isn't charging me for my sessions right now because I can't afford it, so I don't feel like I have the right to ask for her to extend her time out to me more than she already does, I feel guilty for asking.

I really hope I hear back from her tonight or tomorrow. I don't think I'm going to be able to work tomorrow or this week. I just feel really unsafe in myself and I feel like if I go to work and deal with all the garbage that I'm going to make myself worse. I shared that part in my email to T too, so she knows right where I'm at. I'm trying to learn to ask for what I need, and that's really scary, because I don't unless I REALLY REALLY need it, so I'm scared of being turned away. As much as I want to hear from her, I'm scared to because what if she says no, or she can't?

I'm also scared of not going to work, even though that's what I need to keep myself in a safer space mentally, because I already have issues with money right now. I'm really scared of T saying she can't see me earlier this week in addition to keeping my original appointment for the end of the week.
 

desiderata310

Moderator
WHOA! THAT'S HUGE! I am blown away. really.
I've been in similar spots and found myself unable to ask for what I needed.
I am really in awe that you did that because I know it was hard for you to do and you DID it.
You told her what you needed; she ASKED! You have every right to ask for what you need- ESPECIALLY in that scenerio.
If she can't give you what you need perhaps she can give a good reason or an alternative. My guess though is that she is going to try really hard to give you what you need since she encouraged you to tell her.
 

mytai

MyPTSD Pro
Thanks @desiderata310 it was hard as hell to ask for what I needed. I hope she remembers asking me for what I needed, it was in a group setting.

Oh and one more thing, during a "exercise" (for lack of better generalized word) I needed to feel present and grounded, and the person I had with me at the time wasn't cutting it anymore and I asked her to go get T (my T, not the other one), then I was able to ask or more so gesture that I needed T's hand to hold. Huge f***ing deal for me, I don't ever do this. Hoping this is a start to feeling easier about asking T for what I need.

I think a lot of my fear behind worrying she won't have time, or will just say no to the extra appointment this week is because I feel undeserving of receiving that extra help from her. Then a small part of that is legitimate fear that this will be reality and she actually won't have time available.
 

mrsps

MyPTSD Pro
I can understand how scared you are. When I was seeing my old T, I would sometimes ask for an extra appointment. Most of the time it was not a problem. But I had that fear of rejection so was always nervous for her reply. If she couldnt fit me in I would always think it was because she didn't like me. Argh the things our minds tell us.
Sending positive thoughts to you and just remember if your T cant fit you in for another appointment it is not about you its just she is most likely already full.
 

Seasounds

MyPTSD Pro
What wonderful work you are doing! To model to me, when in a group, when I feel that I have met my limit, that I can give myself permission to excuse myself.

I think you demonstrated such dignity, that I would trust that your therapist will continue to work with you, if she is worth her salt. You are making progress-at your rate, not hers, you are respectful. The later-being respectful, I've found is the key. Every therapist, has their different limit. By simply checking in with her, what her boundaries are, you are doing your part.

I hope that she can see you soon, and at the very least email you, before your next scheduled appt. With her job, I think that she will appreciate the wonderful job you did, at coming to the group, participating to the degree you felt safe, and then leaving, when you felt you needed to, to bsafe.

Thanks for the inspiration! (I am learning to be pro-active in group situations, myself.)
 

Sandstone

MyPTSD Pro
hadn't been to work for the first 3 days last week because of mental health reasons, then Thursday and Friday I was really sick with a respiratory infection.
Couldn't let that pass. You were really sick with the MH reasons too. You are allowed to take time off when you need it to protect your Mental Health, just as much as your physical health.

Now if you could just say it back to me, I might believe you!
 

mytai

MyPTSD Pro
Still no response back from T :( So now the fear of her not ever responding until I see her Thursday is growing. I don't want to bother her and call, but I'm scared she just won't respond at all. Feeling this way makes me feel needy, I feel guilty for feeling this way.
 

Casper1018

Learning
@mytai, can you text your T and tell her you e-mailed her something really important that you need an answer to? I did that to my T just this morning BC she is way better at reading texts than e-mails when her schedule is busy.
 

mytai

MyPTSD Pro
@Casper1018 my T doesn't text. T is usually really good at checking her email. Which is why I'm getting more out of sorts because she hasn't responded at all.
 

mytai

MyPTSD Pro
Hey @Casper1018 I heard from her yesterday. She was hoping something opened up, she was able to get me in one day earlier, so I see her tomorrow. Not sure if I see her twice this week or not, I guess I will find out tomorrow. I hope she understood what I was asking for, not sure if she did based on her response.
 
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