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Asking For Help- How, Who, When?

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Hi @grit , I'm not sure I've quite had the same experience as you, or simply just from my own impression and personality a different one? But I agree with this:
..Until we accept that, I feel the post in PTSD will haunt us forever. Of course, there is life while we are in momentum from the last trauma and we may get many other Ts in the meantime still not landing from the first one. Or other non-trauma morbidity and health issues and life issues. It is complicated. But in order to heal from PTSD, one must accept unequivocally that whatever is ailing you is not happening right now…that pest POST.

.. but I see it in a little different fashion. For example, last night I had a horrendous night mare and woke up with heart racing. I thought, good 'ole ptsd. However, the nightmare included calling for help that didn't come (the police, in my nightmare). However, I also know:
a) it could be just coincidental, not because of a trigger
b) simply started with a racing heart, and filled in the details later.
c) a trigger
d) incidental subconscious details, from life, tv etc etc
e) a combination of b) and/or c) and/or d)
Regardless, the 'reactivity' and fact of it was as it has been with a typical nightmare, versus garden-variety. So, something I have to accept with ptsd. I went on to have coffee, eat cake for b/fast , run errands, birthday shop, and felt ~ok-ish, despite falling asleep after my alarm

Conversely, someone I don't want to have more to do with phoned my home today under a semi-false pretense, thankfully the person here did not give my cell number. After that I had (and have had) chest pains all day. That was a stressor. And I would say perhaps a consequence somewhat of my history, but not ptsd in my mind. I could say it is because of my history etc, but I am going to say: no, it's not.

So I have come to accept some things about ptsd and reactivity, that do not change much (after 36 years). But much more which I have control (and responsibility) to pick apart as my thoughts about it, post reaction.

IHMO, they should have called it consciousness

^^ And in this way I would call it un-consciousness: ptsd equalling the part(s) beyond logic, reasoning, grief, or reconcilliation.
Now I have a question to ask you? Do you know anyone who has PTSD? Do you see their symptoms? How do you know that is a symptom of their PTSD?
Yes, many, I know we are all very different. One person I know is the adult child of a murder-suicide, and potentially very violent. The other is self-disclosed and meek. My dad, and his dad post-war, could both probably have qualified. A friend of mine's good friend has it and is very successful. Only ourselves know what is true, and neither dramatizing, minimizing, denying, or using as a crutch, or self-justification, or self-pity. I also know many who exhibit similarities without likely falling under a ptsd diagnosis. I think present, pervasive, and life-limiting all have to be considered.
Let us say, I am thinking of my therapist and I am getting anxious about sharing something or being vulnerable…that is a symptom of my PTSD because on a good day, I never think of being vulnerable or sharing something. so I have the proof experience in life to contrast and compare.
^^You see, I would dig deeper than that: do you care what your T thinks? Why? Is that instead a function of shame? Or feeding denial? Etc etc. I.e. Not ptsd proper but one's own response to life, and taking responsibility.
If I see myself cursing on my mother while I walk in the park, com’n, no way that is sane…right so I put this under category PTSD.

^^ Again, were this me, I would like think something following, like: "Why did I think that? Do I still harbor resentment? Do I need to grieve? What of my mother, was this too what she learned, or all she knew how? Is it changing today? Do I do this as well, but justify it under another guise? What then should I do differently? " Etc etc. (probably in the next 50-75 feet of walking.) So, to me, the feeling was caused by the trauma (involving the mother), the response is 'me'/ my responsibility and choice; my feelings and thoughts merely 'thinking', and analyzing, and being introspective. Looking at my own behaviour, and heart, and what I might need to change . Whereas, just for me, 'ptsd proper' would be the moment I see a mother and despite myself get chills or run from the park. Or choose to never go back to the park or avoid the park, a long while before ever connecting why.

To be clear, it may sound a 'downer' but I don't think I can 'cure' the ptsd part, not yet anyway- science doesn't know how. But good science doesn't just piece together what works but it looks for what does not yet exist.

I appreciate however how this is working and healing for you. :tup: For myself, I do not know if I even have the genetic constitution to ever relax in the way you describe, and I am inclined (by my thoughts and personality) to equate joy in my life in a safer, softer way, or with a greater degree of connectedness, but, tbh, I feel very grateful for that- despite or including the ptsd. Because even if one is playing on the best beach or playground, there's always a chance of stumbling on a nail or a rock or a piece of broken glass. But when in safety that's just, no big deal. So, I think it's possible to live with a high degree of satisfaction, even with ptsd, or most anything else (and if my mom was right, certainly not detrimental in her sex life with my dad :laugh: lol. Since- most importantly- they got along great outside of the bedroom, so in it was never an issue, the brain being the biggest sex organ after all. :) ) I don't think it's insane though: I think just as it's a normal response to an abnormal situation, it's still a normal response but to a way out of proportion degree, to a neutral or low level situation. Just as it's often described as an alarm going off too easily, and too quickly.

But also, I think if one is thinking in terms not what of what was done to them, but also what they've done to others, or how they've failed or fail others, it's a very different perspective again: they are not the 'wronged' one. In such ways ptsd is not created equal, even if the end result is the same. Or it's ptsd-with-a-twist-of-sour-lime on the side. :(

Similar with the reaction, say, to watching a heart-attack, and now jumping up when someone slumps or a noise is heard: you will do it even from a deep sleep- I did the other night. Because it has not been learned it has been lived/ experienced. That kind of thing, to me, is part of what makes ptsd, ptsd. It doesn't matter it's 'now'. 'Now' can become the same as then, in the blink of an eye. That's the knowledge one can't undo.

However, there also have been some moments (thankfully lesser, if I'm choosing more healthily and wisely) that ptsd reactivity has served me well- and prevented being raped quite a number of times, too. For me, that's ok. Under circumstances, it's useful. Training one's brain the everyday won't be crisis-laden, is the hard part IMHO.

So thank you @grit , and @scout86 and @EveHarrington ,, very much, because in some ways I've answered my own question(s) with your help and input: how to ask is to do it, clearly, and without expectation; who is who is trustworthy when you are healthy enough to assess that, and has proven so; when is when (I) am either able to manage the first two, or when the negative consequences of not asking at all outweigh the risks of asking.
 
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Hi Junebug. I realized not all that long ago most things in my head since my PTSD were all about PTSD. Like this almost verbatim:
"Why did I think that? Do I still harbor resentment? Do I need to grieve? What of my mother, was this too what she learned, or all she knew how? Is it changing today? Do I do this as well, but justify it under another guise? What then should I do differently? " Etc etc.
Super analytical; always trying to figure shit out; I honestly couldn't go 5 minute without thinking about PTSD or the related issues.

Somewhere along the line I realized that in order to leave the PTSD life behind me (at least a little) I had to start thinking about what things in my life were not about PTSD. Like what is my purpose? If I didn't feel I had a purpose then if I could choose, what would I want my purpose to be? If I was all better again, what would that look like? What could I put into place to spark a feeling of 'newness' into my life (for me it was learning about and playing with essential oils) that would allow me to feel like I had something that wasn't just about PTSD?

It was a conscious decision to leave my PTSD behind me - in even just the smallest of ways - like an old pair of shoes. Maybe just a moment or two in a week where I literally planned an 'I'm so f*cked up' break. And that turned into a moment or two in a day, and so on and so on. It is and was a slow process but I am really reaping the benefits from it now. I ask myself 100 times a day now - if I were well - what would I be doing right now? The actions I am taking to get there are ridiculously simple - like - I would make up a new cream or scent or go to the zoo - but it is really astounding how quickly these simple little things build the confidence to normalize a little more and that becomes a lot more.

I wish you all the best in your recovery.
 
Thank you @shimmerz , and I believe you and will follow your advice. I see what you mean also, that even in the attempts to intellectualize or 'solve', it drags it to the forefront.

And funny you should say it, because a week or 2 ago I thought: it's really good when a crappy reminder comes up, and it's not such a big deal. But it's EVEN BETTER when something reminds me of something fun, good, nothing traumatic.

(PS, I suppose it doesn't help I'm doing a "40 Days Through Your Life" thing. :eek: )

Thank you, and best wishes to you too. And sweet aromas. :):hug:
 
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Hooray! I know exactly how I'm going to battle this ptsd stuff- back to the beginning, and use my strengths, or nature. Since that takes effort to go against. And, now I know how to go back, to what I did before. Even if it isn;t necessarily the conventional recommendations, re: the 'how to's'.

Hope it works! :)

Yay. :) Back to the beginning, with more understanding, or acceptance. :) It was working then, I hope it will now (too). :)
 
That is an amazing list Junebug. I can see such a change in your in self awareness and asking for support on here. ?

I will take your word for it @grit . I did learn however that an absence of self empathy or self compassion (and other things that are physiological) preclude the ability to self soothe. So the first (I think?) has to be learned before the other is even possible.
I have to say in my experience it needed to happen the other way around. I had to grit my teeth and mechanically practice self care very consistently until something in there opened the door to the occasional self compassion. I did it like a dose of medicine and still often do. In fact most of my recovery has had to come in this way. Just doing,mechanicallyy, not relying on belief of change or care for self or a lessening of pure self hate. If I had had to care about myself even a little first I would have done nothing.
But I think the biggest part (just for me) is simply cognitive distortions and physiological.
Those are good ones to know. The physical goes with the above stuff. The cognitive distortions are definitely things we can learn.

ASking for help - Who How When?
So coming back to that I totally know you mean in a every day sense and I know you dont have access to (and find it hard to do) professional help. I also know you mean how are you to trust yourself and judge who to ask and when. I will say though that ideally some of it should come from a professional source. Maybe the cognitive distortions are a good place to start. What about online courses or therapy? Doing a workbook on here with others? Seeing if there is a charity that you could use?

When it comes to being a burden I do think we need to give people credit and power over making their own decisions. If its wrong and we are being a burden it is up to them to do something about it. Otherwise the self hatred can rather be an extra strain on them rather than what we want. We care.

Totally find it hard to ask for help and support for all sorts of reasons and its a painful place to be in.
 
Thank you @Abstract :hug:

It's late here- hope this is coherent. ?
In fact most of my recovery has had to come in this way. Just doing,mechanicallyy, not relying on belief of change or care for self or a lessening of pure self hate. If I had had to care about myself even a little first I would have done nothing.
I can see this; for example I found the same thing in terms of sleeping with less clothes decreased my hypervigilance (though knowing my brain I would have expected to be awake all night).
What about online courses or therapy? Doing a workbook on here with others?
I wish I had a quarter for every book, workbook, podcast or the like I read, or exercise I did, or program I followed for the last 30 years! But a workbook together I could see as helpful, because there's potential discussion/ new input. Always chasing a 'solution' and it unfolding like the proverbial onion-peeling, when each one revealed something else or wasn't enough or 'quite right', or effective.

I guess part of what I thought today, was despite all of the above ^^, and not saying it wasn't useful, or even cumulative, but it wasn't thanks to a book or workbook that I stopped drinking when it was problematic, or stopped gambling, or stopped self-harm, or left some relationships, or questioned why I'd leave others, and the like. There were concepts or moments that made a big difference- they remain salient to me- but mostly, not from there. Not that they were harmful- just not enough.

I think one has to get to know one's self, what works for you.

I remember, for example, in terms of 'help', my sister saying when I was very small, I would ask, "Why does someone make fun of someone's pink shoelaces?" Which she understood = "why did someone make fun of (my) pink shirt?" In other words, I didn't reveal it was 'me' then (either). But I also asked 'why?'.

And I thought, like I said earlier above (or realized), I think like that- but for everything mostly (not just trauma or ptsd related). So I can modify 'how' I think, but not entirely that I 'do'.

I have for a long time tried to figure out what I did before, or why was it working then and not now? I think, for me, if something trauma-related comes to me, perhaps it's safe enough (to my mind). But delving in forcibly- not so much. So, I think (again, just for me) I do better with an open mind than seeking a specific solution. That's how I stumbled upon re-associating triggers with positive feelings, ~re-writing memories for lack of a better term. It also changes the connotation that 'I' must figure out the solution- and like yesterday.

Similarly, I read about how to stop FB's; but before knowing this, much as I hate(d) them I always learned something new. So for me they were sort of a positive, of sorts

Or like (our) abused dog- she's done better than most, but we introduced from the start what was fun to her. Not necessarily so fun to us- but what occupied her attention and she enjoyed, and it competed with (or helped her) forget how she was used to reacting (or why).

Otherwise the self hatred can rather be an extra strain on them rather than what we want.

I'd never thought of that. :( But that's true too.
 
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