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Assault by a friend

Discussion in 'Sexual Assault' started by mariah90, Apr 25, 2018.

  1. mariah90

    mariah90 Guest

    I was sexually assaulted/coerced by a friend earlier this year. It was an awful night. I was belligerently drunk, I don't remember all of it and I recently found out that there are more girls I'm friends with/go to school with that have also been taken advantage of physically by this person. I don't know what to do with this information or how to go about dealing with it because he was my friend and I don't want to ruin his life by "telling on him." I'm angry, and I don't know how to stop blaming myself for what happened because I was drunk. But I told him I was tired, I told him I wanted to stop, I told him it hurt and he didn't listen. I can't stop thinking about it or other times we had sex that he did the same things. I'm scared of having sex with anyone else because of it and I've found that I'm withdrawn from certain situations because of it, I'm more depressed than I used to be and I don't find comfort in things I used to. I need to be validated somehow in my feelings because my perpetrator is such a member of my community I feel I don't have many to talk about it with.
     
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  3. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

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    You’re not ruining his life by reporting him.

    He’s ruining his life by abusing/coercing/raping women.
     
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  4. Justmehere

    Justmehere Help support myPTSD - more info in Social forum Moderator Premium Member

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    Being drunk doesn’t give anyone the right to assault you or commit any other crimes against you for that matter.
     
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  5. Sweetleaf

    Sweetleaf Well-Known Member

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    This a thousand times.

    While "telling on him" is totally up to you, whether you do it or not - you shouldn't let -his- feelings or his life be -any- factor in your decision of that. What he did is the kind of shit that basically means, he does not deserve jack shit, especially not a good life. Nobody should be allowed to go around doing shit like that, without risking any consequences, just because the consequences are major - the horrible things he has done are -very- major. Those are things that can really f*ck with people's lives, as I am sure you are painfully aware.

    I myself haven't filed a police report about the things my abuser did to me. I only got a restraining order and stopped there, for now. It would be FAR too stressful on me, and I'm way too afraid of my abuser to even try it. Like f*ck that shit.

    This right here is a great list of examples why it isn't your fault. Whether you laid out boundaries or not, it wouldn't have been your fault - but you set clear boundaries and he violated them. That's like, extra confirmation that it isn't your fault. Think of it like that. I have had times like that too - I set boundaries and they were just steamrolled.

    Not my fault. Not your fault.

    You might have been drunk, but being intoxicated, even belligerently so - is not any reason for someone to sexually assault you. He took advantage of your physical state. That's not your fault.

    I feel the same way. You're not alone in the way you're feeling about all these things - many of us feel the same way. It's very common to feel like you're responsible, or guilty, or like you let it happen, or like it's all your fault - or that you deserved it.

    While I don't know if I'll ever be able to have sex again, with anyone - I have "improved" from when I freshly freed myself from my abuser - so I think there is hope, that with enough time and enough healing, and the right person, maybe we can eventually have those aspects of life back, and not be so bothered by them.

    Right now, I would be okay with cuddling with someone, I think. If I knew them well enough, and we had the right connection, of course. But only platonically - not romantically, I don't think. But, that is an improvement over "nobody can touch me again ever!" which is where I started off at.

    I'm so sorry that all of this has happened to you, and that the person who did this stuff to you still crosses your path - that must be horrible. I'm really sorry that you have to go through that. But, I will say - don't be afraid to open up, just because it will put him in hot water. Hot, boiling water is where he deserves to be.

    Are you seeing a therapist, counselor, or anything like that?
     
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  6. Angrboda

    Angrboda Active Member

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    I'm not going to repeat what everyone else said, but know that I agree with them two hundred percent.

    It's interesting that you use the phrase 'telling on him' like you're tattling on another little kid on a playground. This does not compare to that. It isn't telling on someone. It's demanding justice for yourself and for everyone else whose life was irrevocably damaged by this person. It is protecting who knows how many others from the same horrifying pain. He may have been your friend but he forfeited all rights and considerations associated with that when he assaulted you.

    My situation is different from yours. I wasn't raped, although it was threatened enough that I still have nightmares about it actually happening. One of the most difficult things for me to deal with has been the fact that someone could do something that evil to me, could wreck my life in so many ways and take away so much of what I am, and yet suffer no consequences. The police looked the other way. Everyone looked the other way. There have been so many times when I have broken down in tears and wanted to commit suicide because I just couldn't accept that he doesn't have to be held accountable. I wish more than anything that I had the opportunity that you have to call out the person who did this harm to me. If you say nothing, I believe you will regret it and it will eat you up inside.

    Kick. His. Ass!!
     
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  7. LuckiLee

    LuckiLee I'm a VIP

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    Talk with you other girls. Even if you don't report it. It will give you all strength.

    XO
     
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