At a complete loss

83hvacman

New Here
I’ve been living with PTSD since 2012-13. Military would not call it that, but summer of ‘15 after the Air Force medically retired me, did a local shrink plant it. Since then it’s been down hill.

Marriage has been the worst. There’s a lot of middle but it’s all the same. Our communication is horrible. We repeat each fight over and over again. They never get corrected. It’s even gotten physical. Now keep in mind my husband never served, and doesn’t completely understand the military life. And me, don’t now much of civilian life.

For context, we are both male. Our fights is like a merry go round that speeds up until it crashes, and rights itself to begin slowly spinning again. But after each crash, the time between gets shorter. I have issues, he doesn’t understand how to deal with it. Won’t attend my therapy for guidance. Just sees it as like a cold or something that magic pills can correct.

We came up with a rule of if either of us say stop, leave me alone, or such during a talk or fight, it means to stop and let them cool down. 99% of the time I’m screaming at the top of my lungs to be left alone and he will still keep coming after me pushing my buttons hard that I’ve blacked out and decked him several times. My ability to control my anger with him is gone. Doesn’t take much for us to get at each other throats and mostly I’m wanting to be left alone to calm down, but holes crying victim after he’s gotten me wound up and won’t leave me be.

I’ve filed for divorce. Married 6 years. Known one another for 10. Past 3 years we’ve tried to live as roomies. Since Jan of 2021 I hired a lawyer to get him out of my house and life. I’ve dreamt of driving off a bridge. Swallowing a gun. Running him over with the car. I do what ever I can to keep those thoughts away. He acts like nothing is wrong. And then comes at me some more and I keep asking for silence. Can’t have that. No matter how I ask or say to stop talking, walk away, anything, he does not listen and continues.

My neighbors have tried to help out, but my hub is a man child thinking he’s right and that I need to listen to him. But I listen and get angry and need to stop or I’ll loose control. Which is unavoidable and predictable. I know deep down I’ve left a lot out, but think I got the jest across. I ready to leave my house and turn utilities off to force him out, but fear of him wrecking my home out of spite
 

grief

Sponsor
it sounds like the most important think you need to focus on right now is getting this individual out of your life. a house is a house. you don't want to eat a gun or run him over with your car. if he will not leave, you may need to. even if he wrecks it. your safety (and his) is the number one priority. in any case welcome to the forum. 👋
 
Last edited:

83hvacman

New Here
Well if I hadn’t second guessed myself and tried to reason with him, would have already been in and out of court on may 20. But because I had finally got an agreement with him for him to leave peacefully. That has completely failed, obviously. But emailed lawyer Saturday night to get me another court date. In SC since he will not leave, the court pretty much has to evict him. A rule that does not need to be here. It gets too heated under my roof but because no violence, cops can only advise one of us to leave. Want to say in 6 months if the judge sees it as to volatile instead of a 1 year separation then divorce.

grief-you’re right. I need to focus on my own safety.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Well if I hadn’t second guessed myself and tried to reason with him, would have already been in and out of court on may 20. But because I had finally got an agreement with him for him to leave peacefully. That has completely failed, obviously. But emailed lawyer Saturday night to get me another court date. In SC since he will not leave, the court pretty much has to evict him. A rule that does not need to be here. It gets too heated under my roof but because no violence, cops can only advise one of us to leave. Want to say in 6 months if the judge sees it as to volatile instead of a 1 year separation then divorce.

grief-you’re right. I need to focus on my own safety.
but there is violence?

Do you have a friend you can stay with for a bit?
 

83hvacman

New Here
hasn’t been physical violence in a while. He’s pushes me in to a corner mentally, or physically blocks doorways so he can claim I hit him. Even tho the cops told me by his actions of constantly pushing my limits he is indeed the abuser. That if I would strike him, he’d be taken away. My problem is every other time I’ve popped him, I’ve got harder and more violent each time. I fear for the worst in me. A couple neighbors have opened their homes up, same with a friend, or I can drive to Florida with my folks.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
I think it would be wise for you to leave before it goes really ugly.

If he's harrassing you and you want him to leave, you call the cops to enforce the decision. Or you leave and make someone else intervene for you to have your keys back. Calling a third part even if not the police.

There are many ways to enforce your boundaries that aren't to get physical or allowing to get pushed in a corner.

Because if you end up doing something still it will be your responsibility, not his.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Then maybe take those people up on their offer.
Because if you hit him, it will be you that is arrested (I don't know what police officer has told you they would take him away when it's you that has been violent, and as you say your violence is escalating).

The healthiest thing you can do is leave.
If you do and he trashes the house then he trashes the house. Houses can be fixed.
 

Friday

Moderator
I ready to leave my house and turn utilities off to force him out, but fear of him wrecking my home out of spite
He might.

Fear let’s us know something is possible. Predictable is preventable.

So be smart about it.

1. What’s worse? Your home being wrecked -or- getting into another fight / killing him / killing yourself? <<< Is your house worth killing over, or dying for? Prolly not. If the man was a flood would you plant your feet and refuse to move despite 3 feet of raw sewage, gators, snakes, mold, etc.? I GET he’s in your territory, and the urge to defend/protect what’s MINE, goes bone deep. But if a flood wrecked your house, you’d make a tactical retreat, return, & repair it. Same damn thing.

2. IDK If south cackilacky is a consent-state (meaning you have to have someone’s consent in order to film them / for use in court)... but insurance companies rarely care about the law. Get some eyes placed in/around your house. Stream it to your phone/computer. If he wrecks your place you’ll either have legal proof to charge him with, or to give the insurance company when you make a claim for repairs & replacement. Personally I’d make sure some of those eyes are hidden / nanny-cam style, so there’s evidence of him removing any cameras he knows about, before being a vindictive bitch / committing several crimes.

3. Make sure your insurance covers what you need it to cover, including valuable personal property insurance.

4. Take anything irreplaceable/ deeply loved with you.

5. Talk with your attorney about HOW you need to legally accomplish leaving, so it doesn’t f*ck up your divorce, his eviction, or the insurance claims. Which may well mean hiring a security company to do the cameras, and stream to their site, rather than to you. And IDFK how many “oh, I’d never have thought about that” legal niceties.

Get to higher ground, till the storms over, & you can asses what -if any- flood damage there is.
 

83hvacman

New Here
All good advice. Funny enough, my house did flood a few years back so I get the analogy. I need to get out, and need lawyers advice on moving forward. We’ve been arguing since Saturday. And now I think he’s finally giving in to that’s it’s over. But I’ve seen it before. I’m gonna start collecting precious items, and looking at nanny cams. I have no clue on all the laws here in this state. But my lawyer is a judge in another county, and I trust his firm immensely.
And yes, I do not want to strike him in any way. He’s pushing me hard, hitting all my buttons and ptsd bits.
Since my house actually flooded, I lost 90% of processions. Yes processions can be replaced. They are just objects we place value on. What survived is very little, but took me a lot to rebuild my house and make it home again. He knows hurting my home is a stab at me. But I’ve got knowledge and excellent neighbors to help repair if he does go off the deep end.
Finally I will be getting a no contact order and such to avoid future problems.
Thank you all for y’all’s input.
 
Top