General At a loss - he's struggling but refuses help

My hubby my was diagnosed with PTSD about 5 years ago, it was really bad for a while then got better and has recently taken a turn for the worse again. He is currently off work on a leave and has been for a couple months now. He's a paramedic for context. Obviously I could go into a lot of detail but for now I'll just stick to the highlights. He has a lot of anxiety, and I think some depression based on behavior, as well as physical pain (bad knees and a shoulder) that bother him a lot. He told me today that as much as he loves me he often wishes he would fall asleep and never wake up, he's just so tired of being uncomfortable. It breaks my heart to see him struggle this much, but I don't know how to support him.
I had to go out of town for a week for work and he was dreading it and said that I don't understand how much he relies on me for support (he supported me going because he knew it was important to me) but as much as he relies on me for support, he keeps me in the dark and rarely shares anything about how he's feeling.
I have encouraged counseling (whether through work or finding someone on our own) and he refuses - he doesn't want to talk at all (did briefly when first diagnosed but it didn't help). I have suggested being more active to get fresh air, he will occasionally do this but not enough to make a difference. I've suggested trying medication as a tool to work towards getting better (I don't expect it to cure him), again he refuses. I've suggested seeing a doctor to address the knee and shoulder pain and he wont. I'm just at a loss... It doesn't matter how I present an idea he shuts it down. I know it's hard, and he's in a bad place but how do you help someone through it who just refuses to even try?

Side note: I will be starting counseling for myself soon, because I'm struggling with him. I love him more than anything and would do anything to help him, but I'm exhausted and frustrated. This is taking a toll on our relationship.

This was a bit of a ramble (sorry), I just needed to get it off my chest. If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions, I'm open to hearing them.
 

Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
I can sympathize with you. My hubby refused alone therapy because he wanted me there. My hubby has ptsd from his mom. He relies on me a lot for his ptsd too.

As well, I have ptsd from a trauma event few years ago. It took a toll on our relationship. We almost divorced. In fact I still have the papers so sad. Thankfully he agreed to marital counseling and it's been very very helpful. We found someone with similar interests and beliefs and it's working out.

Suggestions: have check ins. Ask him to commit to a few mins of check ins every so often.

"Hey I feel in the dark can we check in with eachother"

I hope you guys the best. Remember self care is love.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
It’s frustrating to be a supporter sometimes, and this is an example of one of those times. Watching your sufferer struggle and resist treatment… with the added chaos in your life that goes with that, all while having no control to change any of it. We can support, maybe suggest, but they have to want treatment in order for treatment to work.
 

drm

New Here
My hubby my was diagnosed with PTSD about 5 years ago, it was really bad for a while then got better and has recently taken a turn for the worse again. He is currently off work on a leave and has been for a couple months now. He's a paramedic for context. Obviously I could go into a lot of detail but for now I'll just stick to the highlights. He has a lot of anxiety, and I think some depression based on behavior, as well as physical pain (bad knees and a shoulder) that bother him a lot. He told me today that as much as he loves me he often wishes he would fall asleep and never wake up, he's just so tired of being uncomfortable. It breaks my heart to see him struggle this much, but I don't know how to support him.
I had to go out of town for a week for work and he was dreading it and said that I don't understand how much he relies on me for support (he supported me going because he knew it was important to me) but as much as he relies on me for support, he keeps me in the dark and rarely shares anything about how he's feeling.
I have encouraged counseling (whether through work or finding someone on our own) and he refuses - he doesn't want to talk at all (did briefly when first diagnosed but it didn't help). I have suggested being more active to get fresh air, he will occasionally do this but not enough to make a difference. I've suggested trying medication as a tool to work towards getting better (I don't expect it to cure him), again he refuses. I've suggested seeing a doctor to address the knee and shoulder pain and he wont. I'm just at a loss... It doesn't matter how I present an idea he shuts it down. I know it's hard, and he's in a bad place but how do you help someone through it who just refuses to even try?

Side note: I will be starting counseling for myself soon, because I'm struggling with him. I love him more than anything and would do anything to help him, but I'm exhausted and frustrated. This is taking a toll on our relationship.

This was a bit of a ramble (sorry), I just needed to get it off my chest. If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions, I'm open to hearing them.
I don't have answers, but the refusal to do anything you suggest and not sharing with you is very familiar to me. One thought I have is that he sounds depressed right now, and depending on where you are, that could partly be seasonal. It could also be due to being isolated due to being on leave and general pandemic isolation? One possible step you could take is making an appointment for the knee and shoulder pain, as that is fairly straightforward, and if he is depressed, making the appointment could be overwhelming and not seem worth it to him. I'd also say try to think of it has: he's doing his best, even if it feels like he won't try. Some questions to consider: Does he see the situation the way you do (bad! worse!)? Since you said he told you that you don't understand how much he relies on you, could you try explaining that you can't read his mind and communicating more could help? Does he have any hope of it improving? Maybe ask him if he feels like there is anything he could try, to see if he can identify one positive thing he could control?
 
Top