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At my wit’s end

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Mac_1980

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I don’t even know why I’m posting this. It’s not really a question, simply feeling defeated and need to put it into words.

I’ve been getting treatment—EMDR and ketamine therapy—for PTSD, depression, and anxiety for the past three months. I’m starting to feel some life and hope and even managed to get out for a walk twice this week. It’s been brutal and painful otherwise.

I got into an argument with my husband this evening—a couple’s bickering if you will. And it escalated. Only to end with him yelling at me “well you aren’t much of a catch!”

It broke my heart. Not only should a husband never say something like this to his wife but so much of my trauma has to do with ostracism and bullying. I’ve been called every name under the sun and even had death threats in my past. To hear him say that, especially when he knows my past—especially when he’s seen how painful healing and trauma therapy has been—it’s just the final disappointment. He told me he didn’t mean it but, whether he did or not, to say something like that to your wife you know is suffering is unforgivable. I’m not sure what to do. My recovery is my number one priority. Thanks for listening.
 
I don’t even know why I’m posting this. It’s not really a question, simply feeling defeated and need to put it into words.

I’ve been getting treatment—EMDR and ketamine therapy—for PTSD, depression, and anxiety for the past three months. I’m starting to feel some life and hope and even managed to get out for a walk twice this week. It’s been brutal and painful otherwise.

I got into an argument with my husband this evening—a couple’s bickering if you will. And it escalated. Only to end with him yelling at me “well you aren’t much of a catch!”

It broke my heart. Not only should a husband never say something like this to his wife but so much of my trauma has to do with ostracism and bullying. I’ve been called every name under the sun and even had death threats in my past. To hear him say that, especially when he knows my past—especially when he’s seen how painful healing and trauma therapy has been—it’s just the final disappointment. He told me he didn’t mean it but, whether he did or not, to say something like that to your wife you know is suffering is unforgivable. I’m not sure what to do. My recovery is my number one priority. Thanks for listening.
Can you tell him how you feel about what he said? That is totally your right to. And being your husband I'd hope efforts are made from his side to listen to you and to apologise.
 
ah, domestic tit-for-tat. s/he says this, i say that, back and forth, forth and back until we are both kicking each other's hearts and dreams up and down the playing field while the fans are screaming in the stands. i don't care to do the research, but i'll bet dollars to wishes that it is the most popular sport on the planet. making up can be a major player benefit, but the price is a bit high for my own heart. i am grateful to say that my own hubs and i partake of the sport far less often since our homnes slowed down.

my mantra for my own tit-for-tat recovery is, "wear your love like an armor and forgiveness like a shield."
i've yet to have a tit-for-tat session where i didn't say some unforgiveable uglies, as well. domestic tit-for-tat can make fools out of the wisest of us.
 
It broke my heart. Not only should a husband never say something like this to his wife but so much of my trauma has to do with ostracism and bullying. I’ve been called every name under the sun and even had death threats in my past.
First off - You need to take time and space to think about what is said to you - all the time. With PTSD the little alligator brain interprets things on a simple level - will this kill me - will this not kill me? Which of my two available emotions will I assign this - fear or anger?

Because of that you need to STOP. Think. And interpret for that part of your brain. Nine times out of ten all those fights start with misunderstanding, and me - that's my specialty.... When I give myself room to think - I can figure it out and usually it's not what I first thought it was.

My wife and I have an agreement because of that. Plain talk. Out with it, no hints, no games, just tell me strait up, no sugar coating, no hints. Then we can talk and understand each other. It helps in not letting those fights get started in the first place.

Because I know I can wound others with my tongue....
 
I’ve had men attack my looks as the go-to put down and I realize it’s because that is what they value most, so they think it’s what will hurt me the most. (Same goes for calling me a whore/slut, they value sex so they think the worst way to put me down is to take me down for not being pure.)

Funny how I’m never put down for being stupid!

I know I’m not attractive and I was molested as a kid so I was never actually poor. I say “keep trying, dude” 😂
 
IT's really hard when we get hurt. To move forward you need to separate what is about your relationship with your husband and what is your PTSD. The PTSD will magnify and distort what happened.
 
It broke my heart. Not only should a husband never say something like this to his wife but so much of my trauma has to do with ostracism and bullying. I’ve been called every name under the sun and even had death threats in my past.
No lie. Especially when you’d be one of the hardest, most difficult, of “catches”. For him not to realize that? Is pure insult, added to injury.

Sometimes? The people we love are idiots. We still love them. Even though they, clearly, can’t even begin to imagine what they have/or have lost. Poor damn sobs.

I’m sorry you married down. Even if you love him to the moon and back. He’s got his limitations. Whether or not you can work with that? Is ultimately your decision.
 
I'm sorry that you were hurt like that.

it’s just the final disappointment. He told me he didn’t mean it.
I think that is a good start. But in an ideal world he'd be sorry, or express he was and feel that, that most of all it caused you such hurt and was insensitive to past wounds. I agree with @Friday above, if every fiber of your being goes against trusting or being vulnerable with someone, or committing to someone, that is much more rare than he recognizes- or values, perhaps. Because it also is a testimony that he was worthy of such trust. Whereas if conversely people can jump in to it quickly or express it easily, it isn't as hard to commit to. But also more common. The more traumatic the greater the risk and the greater the difficulty in taking that risk.
 
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