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At this point now

Discussion in 'Treatment & Therapy' started by futurefocussed, Oct 10, 2017.

  1. futurefocussed

    futurefocussed Active Member Donated

    I know that I don't post on here much anymore, but I remember that people care about me here and how I am doing, I don't know how many though.

    As his usual self, @Florian7051 encouraged me to post, to kind of check-in, without even realising that he did this.

    Right now it is 9pm and I'm tired, it's been a heck of a couple of months and I had therapy today.

    I finally felt ready to talk about the institutional abuse that I suffered not so long ago, I hadn't really talked about it, but I needed to prove to myself that something was different, that not everybody was going to react the same way as my pastor did last week.

    We talked about how far I have come, how I am compassionate towards someone who is downright rude to me on a regular basis, how I'm seeing the bigger picture, that compassion wasn't something that was encouraged at the institution, but rather that it was something that was discouraged and basically banned.

    I talked about how disgusting I felt when I was conditioned to respond to sexual advances at a young age (as young as 7), but that I also began to desire it, like something had been turned on in me. we challenged my feelings of worthlessness and disgust to then see how far I have come, the fact that I feel disgust, shows me that I now see it as wrong, that what he did was wrong, seeing right and wrong, and not simply believing, but questioning what i've been led to believe.

    What has happened these past few months is that i've begun to learn to trust myself, trust what I feel is right and to trust my memories. I've begun to make the hard decisions that I've been called to make.
    But also I have finished the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Skills program through my local hospital. And you know what? it shows. I'm seeing the strengths that are developing in me and noticing them in my everyday life, I am not running away from conflict anymore. I even acknowledged to my pastor that I may have misunderstood him, rather than running away, we talked it through. This shows growth and maturity in me (or so my therapist says).
    I've learned that I have a capacity and a tenacity that goes beyond what I may see in me, but that also, I am more than what I've gone through, than what was done to me, and look I'm even complimenting myself, saying positive things about myself, who would have thought that that were possible? Thing is, I haven't noticed how far I've come.

    Imagine for me an empty glass, everyday you add 1mL of liquid, you don't notice the difference 1mL makes, but someone sees you on day 1 and then say on day 150, there's a big difference, but you don't see it because it's just been 1mL a day.
    That's how it's been for me, I haven't seen the 1mL's but people have seen the 30mL, 60mL, 90mL, etc, they've seen the difference in me, and now I'm starting to.

    So what next, I've been on a waiting list for an individual therapist for over 6 months now, where I'll be able to see someone on a weekly basis, we're going to be talking about and dealing with all my trauma, I'm almost at the top of the waiting list (1 or 2 before me apparently), it's someone new, but it turns out that my current therapist (I see her monthly) is leaving at the end of the year, and that's ok, God knew this and had it all in hand.
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  3. The Albatross

    The Albatross Product of decisions rather than circumstances Premium Member Sponsor $100+

    Particularly liked "Imagine for me an empty glass, everyday you add 1mL of liquid, you don't notice the difference 1mL makes, but someone sees you on day 1 and then say on day 150, there's a big difference, but you don't see it because it's just been 1mL a day." My mentors called it "just barely noticeable differences" and yeah they add up. Well done and kudos for you for completing the DBT program! Very glad you checked in.
    Disco Dancing Queen likes this.
  4. Florian7051

    Florian7051 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you are checking in. If I in some way facilitated that, then I am happy to have helped out, but don't let that take away from the amazing work you've been doing. Recovery is not an easy process so what you are doing is nothing short of amazing and I'm glad you're giving yourself credit where credit is due. I'm happy to hear from you and equally happy that things seem to be going well for you. Please keep up the hard work and do let me know from time to time how you are doing.
  5. ladee

    ladee All the hard work has been worth it ! Premium Member

    When others start to notice, and comment, it is very validating that all that hard work has added up ! And that you are now seeing it, and trusting yourself. And completed the DBT program. A lot of progress ! Thanks for dropping and and sharing with us... please let us know how you are. Very encouraging and positive post !
    shimmerz and Disco Dancing Queen like this.
  6. Disco Dancing Queen

    Disco Dancing Queen "Go dté tú slán" Premium Member Donated

    Self trust is huge!


    That is an awesome metaphor.
    shimmerz likes this.
  7. futurefocussed

    futurefocussed Active Member Donated

    It's been 4 months since I last checked in and it feels like I've come through some pretty hot coals recently.

    In my last update I mentioned that I was on a waiting list for an individual therapist through my local hospital, well I made it to the top of the list and have had 3 appointments with him.
    He's actually really good with me, I wasn't sure because he's a male! and he's not Christian and I thought he would be really triggering for me, but he's not.
    He's actually not bad.

    About 6 months ago I was sexually assaulted by someone I called friend who took advantage of my vulnerable state when I first started reliving the sexual abuse inflicted by my PR (paternal relation).
    The crucial thing that made me realise this just a week ago that it actually was a sexual assault was asking myself the question "if I was in my right mind would I have done any of what I did with him?" and I said "no".
    I sent him a really angry facebook message and told him in non polite terms (oh my gosh! me actually not polite! what is this world coming to!) to never contact me again.
    It was a hard couple of days after that with a lot of crying.

    Dealing with this with my therapist on Monday was kind of a baby step into dealing with the institutional abuse that I survived because it was stored in my memory in a similar way.

    You see, my mind naturally wants to heal itself, it wants to, so with my tenacity and problem solving skills, it naturally comes up with these ideas.
    One thing that my DBT coordinator said to me when doing my assessment was that I am a remarkable young woman and that he's proud of me because I did this without any guidance from any professional. And similarly at the end of DBT, that I am one of the 3 people he has met in his 10+ years that inspires him in his job, a person to remember when it gets really hard and he doesn't see the benefit in what he's doing, I am one of the 3 he thinks of.
    I found a way to convert my own memories from trauma into standard.

    The thing with trauma memories is that they don't tick these 5 boxes
    • Time Code
    • Context
    • Safety
    • Blame
    • Control
    So I have a space online, where I write these out when I relive these memories, every detail, by posting it there, it has a time code, it has a context, I feel safe and validated and I'm taking control back because it's not a secret anymore, i'm not in danger anymore when I share them, and i give them a context but writing them out now.
    And nobody told me to.

    The institution memories don't do this, I've tried, it doesn't work. maybe because they were never repressed, i don't know, the sexual assault didn't do this either, maybe because I don't feel safe yet.

    Anyway, so we are dealing with the institutional abuse and everything that goes with that, the brainwashing and such and it's not fun, but he makes a point at the end of every session to make me laugh, whether it's spelling my surname wrong or telling a lame joke, it's funny.

    I want to tell him about the increase in desire to self harm though, because it's increased since beginning to deal with this stuff because it's closely tied to the sexual abuse because I was taught by PR not to cry rather to cut (screwed up parenting, it's ok to cry and safe for me to cry now and I do so regularly) and I feel like it's important for him to know this.

    Anyway, if you can't tell from the way I'm writing, I've actually come a long way and am beginning to see how far I actually have come (the fact that I say that at all proves it, my therapist made me almost scream it the first week, pretending he couldn't hear me).

    Signing off *waves*
    She Cat and ladee like this.
  8. ladee

    ladee All the hard work has been worth it ! Premium Member

    Loved waking up to a beautiful success story... and there is a lot to be said for 'healing thine own self' as I have had to do the same... seems to mean more somehow... tenacious.... and committed... so very happy for you!!!

    Thank you for sharing your victories... very inspiring and full of hope... gentle hugs if you accept.
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