I know that I don't post on here much anymore, but I remember that people care about me here and how I am doing, I don't know how many though. As his usual self, @Florian7051 encouraged me to post, to kind of check-in, without even realising that he did this. Right now it is 9pm and I'm tired, it's been a heck of a couple of months and I had therapy today. I finally felt ready to talk about the institutional abuse that I suffered not so long ago, I hadn't really talked about it, but I needed to prove to myself that something was different, that not everybody was going to react the same way as my pastor did last week. We talked about how far I have come, how I am compassionate towards someone who is downright rude to me on a regular basis, how I'm seeing the bigger picture, that compassion wasn't something that was encouraged at the institution, but rather that it was something that was discouraged and basically banned. I talked about how disgusting I felt when I was conditioned to respond to sexual advances at a young age (as young as 7), but that I also began to desire it, like something had been turned on in me. we challenged my feelings of worthlessness and disgust to then see how far I have come, the fact that I feel disgust, shows me that I now see it as wrong, that what he did was wrong, seeing right and wrong, and not simply believing, but questioning what i've been led to believe. What has happened these past few months is that i've begun to learn to trust myself, trust what I feel is right and to trust my memories. I've begun to make the hard decisions that I've been called to make. But also I have finished the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Skills program through my local hospital. And you know what? it shows. I'm seeing the strengths that are developing in me and noticing them in my everyday life, I am not running away from conflict anymore. I even acknowledged to my pastor that I may have misunderstood him, rather than running away, we talked it through. This shows growth and maturity in me (or so my therapist says). I've learned that I have a capacity and a tenacity that goes beyond what I may see in me, but that also, I am more than what I've gone through, than what was done to me, and look I'm even complimenting myself, saying positive things about myself, who would have thought that that were possible? Thing is, I haven't noticed how far I've come. Imagine for me an empty glass, everyday you add 1mL of liquid, you don't notice the difference 1mL makes, but someone sees you on day 1 and then say on day 150, there's a big difference, but you don't see it because it's just been 1mL a day. That's how it's been for me, I haven't seen the 1mL's but people have seen the 30mL, 60mL, 90mL, etc, they've seen the difference in me, and now I'm starting to. So what next, I've been on a waiting list for an individual therapist for over 6 months now, where I'll be able to see someone on a weekly basis, we're going to be talking about and dealing with all my trauma, I'm almost at the top of the waiting list (1 or 2 before me apparently), it's someone new, but it turns out that my current therapist (I see her monthly) is leaving at the end of the year, and that's ok, God knew this and had it all in hand.