Strangelongtrip
MyPTSD Pro
I've had this problem before coronavirus isolation, but now I'm realizing it's an actual problem and not something I can excuse away with "oh my back hurts" "oh I don't have time to drive there." There's a few groups and such I'd love to join and have wanted to for a while, writing groups I'm invited to and stuff for the local queer community. Any new opportunity I would cancel because of a trigger. I had signed up for a self defense class and said that I didn't want to go because it was designated women's and I'm nonbinary (although I get misgendered daily because the people I live with don't get it, so I could have just sucked it up and gone).
I avoided new groups because I don't believe people will accept me or I'll make myself look stupid. Or someone would be mean and stuff. So I'd make excuses about how I can't do this, but now that all I have to do is sign onto my computer of phone and be connected to people, I have no excuse. And yet I still am terrified to talk to all these new people and I feel like they're going to hate me if I talk to them. I feel like I'm not worthy to be in groups for my passion, that I'm not good enough to be in any groups, that I'm not good enough to be in volunteering groups, etc. It makes me physically ill from anxiety to think about joining these calls. I can't even talk to my professors on Zoom, because I feel like I'm an idiot when I do and I'm rude because I'm anxious. Like I do it anyways, but I've nearly thrown up afterwards from anxiety.
I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't know how to fix it. I'm in therapy and all but some things I don't talk about with my therapist yet. I'm going to talk to him about this next session, next week.
I avoided new groups because I don't believe people will accept me or I'll make myself look stupid. Or someone would be mean and stuff. So I'd make excuses about how I can't do this, but now that all I have to do is sign onto my computer of phone and be connected to people, I have no excuse. And yet I still am terrified to talk to all these new people and I feel like they're going to hate me if I talk to them. I feel like I'm not worthy to be in groups for my passion, that I'm not good enough to be in any groups, that I'm not good enough to be in volunteering groups, etc. It makes me physically ill from anxiety to think about joining these calls. I can't even talk to my professors on Zoom, because I feel like I'm an idiot when I do and I'm rude because I'm anxious. Like I do it anyways, but I've nearly thrown up afterwards from anxiety.
I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't know how to fix it. I'm in therapy and all but some things I don't talk about with my therapist yet. I'm going to talk to him about this next session, next week.