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Avoiding any serious relationship

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sunlight7

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I feel no desire to actively seek out a relationship (although I feel societal pressure). I know what to look for this time and the signs however, deep down I’m afraid I’ll get love bombed and manipulated again. I have fun, flirting and talking, but the moment someone appears to get serious something in me shifts. And I shut it down. I feel like I attract emotionally needy/damaged (I don’t really know) people or maybe that’s just how I perceive them. The last person I was “talking” too started getting too serious, and he was well aware of my past, and I said to him it’s going to fast I’m not ready for this. He would get drunk and then text me about how he didn’t deserve this and made me feel like shit. The next day I said you’re getting way too serious and I can’t handle you getting drunk and texting me things like that because it triggers me. he was a nice guy and never verbally abused me, but just the fact that he got drunk and started texting me about how he didn’t deserve me pulling away, freaked me out. And I blocked his number blocked his social media and haven’t talk to him since and have no desire too. We were not talking at the time that I blocked him. He was well aware I was done.

I don’t broadcast that I have PTSD , so at work or at other social functions (thankfully I work remote now but unfortunately I have agoraphobia), it’s really difficult because there’s that societal pressure even when talking to someone one on one it gets brought up, it’s like you have to have a serious significant other when you are in your 30s. (which is probably in my own head, even though I know others who feel similar) I don’t broadcast my PTSD because 1, it’s not anybody’s business and 2, because of the stigma that goes along with it and I hate saying that. Sorry this is an issue that really drives me nuts and I needed some place to vent.
 
Thank you for your response, it’s glad to know that my instinct was right because it’s hard for me to trust it.

I’m very content. I guess just being surrounded by friends and coworkers, getting married and having babies it’s hard not to feel the pressure. I just got to keep reminding myself that I’m happy being single and working on my own health.
 
Another reason is simply that I'm tired. The more involved a relationship is, the more energy goes into it. For me, there are different stages.
- Intimate relationships (family & close friends),
- close relationships (work, occasional friends),
- brief purposeful encounters (church, PTA/ other parents),
- hello human (gas station, post carrier, waitress).

I, quite frankly, don't have the energy to deal with everyone all the time. So I make choices, and pull back in order to protect myself. I know when I'm at either end of the spectrum (only interacting with family or gas station attendants) that I'm going off the rails. (If I'm even avoiding my mailman and the gas station attendant... I've already gone off the rails. Past tense. Toast.).

Ideally, and when I'm doing well, I can maintain all the different levels of relationships in my life. They're part of what makes my life full, balanced, and rewarding.
For me own self? ^^^This^^[
 
In my opinion, that guy was essentially calling you a tease. I don’t say this to be offensive or anything. He was saying that you must move at HIS pace in terms of getting to know someone, and if you don’t move at his pace, then he is going to play the victim of your evil manipulative game! But wait, you are allowed to move at your own pace. This is your right. If he was a decent guy, then he’d respect you and not try to pressure you to move faster than you are comfortable. (I’ve been there, now that I think back, with almost every guy I’ve dated.) A good guy is going to KNOW that you are worth waiting for. (Of course this does have its limits, so mainly what I am talking about pertains more to the earlier stages of a relationship, as if it’s years down the road and things are still going nowhere, it’s probably time for both parties to just admit there’s no future.)

Being single is 1000% ok. I actually love being single because I’m so much more productive (which makes a difference when dealing with PTSD). Don’t get me wrong, I’m still lonely (but I also lost my cat around the same time, so I’d probably be less lonely if I still had him, but I digress.)
 
dunno. . . on my own trail of tears, avoiding romantic relationships has been essential to developing the most important relationship of any life: me and me. i'm coming up on my 43rd anniversary and still avoid romantic relationships when i am hating on myself. the romance is far sweeter when i take the time to love myself before i attempt loving someone else.
 
People have romantic relationships for love and stuff?

Hubby and I were practical thinkers who could get along well, and knew our combined forces would make it easier to buy a house. We support and compliment each other to grease the wheels.

I’ve never been in love.
 
For me own self? ^^^This^^[
This right here yes! 100%


In my opinion, that guy was essentially calling you a tease. I don’t say this to be offensive or anything. He was saying that you must move at HIS pace in terms of getting to know someone, and if you don’t move at his pace, then he is going to play the victim of your evil manipulative game!
Oh he was definitely saying that! And agreed he can go play with himself! Sorry I couldn’t resist!


the most important relationship of any life: me and me.
100% with you!


People have romantic relationships for love and stuff?

Hubby and I were practical thinkers who could get along well, and knew our combined forces would make it easier to buy a house. We support and compliment each other to grease the wheels.

I’ve never been in love.
What I thought was love definitely wasn’t so I don’t think I have been either. That sounds pretty great to be honest. I’ve read articles that have had couples say they have similar marriages and they’re all still together and happy.


thank you all for your responses. I greatly appreciate them all. 😊
 
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I feel no desire to actively seek out a relationship (although I feel societal pressure). I know what to look for this time and the signs however, deep down I’m afraid I’ll get love bombed and manipulated again. I have fun, flirting and talking, but the moment someone appears to get serious something in me shifts. And I shut it down. I feel like I attract emotionally needy/damaged (I don’t really know) people or maybe that’s just how I perceive them. The last person I was “talking” too started getting too serious, and he was well aware of my past, and I said to him it’s going to fast I’m not ready for this. He would get drunk and then text me about how he didn’t deserve this and made me feel like shit. The next day I said you’re getting way too serious and I can’t handle you getting drunk and texting me things like that because it triggers me. he was a nice guy and never verbally abused me, but just the fact that he got drunk and started texting me about how he didn’t deserve me pulling away, freaked me out. And I blocked his number blocked his social media and haven’t talk to him since and have no desire too. We were not talking at the time that I blocked him. He was well aware I was done.

I don’t broadcast that I have PTSD , so at work or at other social functions (thankfully I work remote now but unfortunately I have agoraphobia), it’s really difficult because there’s that societal pressure even when talking to someone one on one it gets brought up, it’s like you have to have a serious significant other when you are in your 30s. (which is probably in my own head, even though I know others who feel similar) I don’t broadcast my PTSD because 1, it’s not anybody’s business and 2, because of the stigma that goes along with it and I hate saying that. Sorry this is an issue that really drives me nuts and I needed some place to vent.
You’re right to cut it off. Relationships are really hard.
 
You’re right to cut it off. Relationships are really hard.
Thank you for saying that, I question myself a lot when it comes to stuff like that whether I’m over thinking the situation or am I being dramatic. It helps being able to talk about it here and hearing yawls responses.

That they are. On top of everything but I have going on and everything I went through just in general. The constant communication is just so much. If you’re not talking constantly it’s like oh my gosh they don’t like me anymore. No it’s I don’t feel like texting because I wanna lay down or I don’t know what to say. But between texting and Instagram and Facebook and every other social media app it’s ugh. I don’t know how else to describe it. I’m really shy in person, when I first met anyone. Once I get to know you I’m much more talkative but no, in the beginning, I can barely get anything out. Again this is just generalized dating that doesn’t even tackle all my issues with it because of my PTSD and because of my ex.
 
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I feel no desire to actively seek out a relationship (although I feel societal pressure). I know what to look for this time and the signs however, deep down I’m afraid I’ll get love bombed and manipulated again. I have fun, flirting and talking, but the moment someone appears to get serious something in me shifts. And I shut it down. I feel like I attract emotionally needy/damaged (I don’t really know) people or maybe that’s just how I perceive them. The last person I was “talking” too started getting too serious, and he was well aware of my past, and I said to him it’s going to fast I’m not ready for this. He would get drunk and then text me about how he didn’t deserve this and made me feel like shit. The next day I said you’re getting way too serious and I can’t handle you getting drunk and texting me things like that because it triggers me. he was a nice guy and never verbally abused me, but just the fact that he got drunk and started texting me about how he didn’t deserve me pulling away, freaked me out. And I blocked his number blocked his social media and haven’t talk to him since and have no desire too. We were not talking at the time that I blocked him. He was well aware I was done.

I don’t broadcast that I have PTSD , so at work or at other social functions (thankfully I work remote now but unfortunately I have agoraphobia), it’s really difficult because there’s that societal pressure even when talking to someone one on one it gets brought up, it’s like you have to have a serious significant other when you are in your 30s. (which is probably in my own head, even though I know others who feel similar) I don’t broadcast my PTSD because 1, it’s not anybody’s business and 2, because of the stigma that goes along with it and I hate saying that. Sorry this is an issue that really drives me nuts and I needed some place to vent.
I'm in the same boat. No desire to even look for a serious relationship. I am now of the mindset of "been there, got the T-shirt, now I'm done".

It's interesting because now I'm 51, and I'm noticing a lot more women are arriving at this mindset than I did when I was younger. You're right... when we're "in our prime" there is a lot of social pressure around getting married, having kids, and completing that package with the white picket fenced house. While I don't regret having my kiddo at all, I've noticed that a LOT of women my age have had to raise their kids alone. They didn't necessarily become that way through a traumatic experience (e.g., betrayal, infidelity, domestic violence), but they all ended up divorced all the same. The lion's share of responsibilities with child-rearing seems to still primarily fall with the woman, whether by choice or not.

I've learned that "happily ever after" makes a great book, film, or TV show plot, but it is far from realistic... especially in today's society.

Knowing what I do now, I would have planned to have children on my own from the beginning, and not gotten messed up with ideals around marriage, monogamy, or "happily ever afters". I should have instead focused on things that I wanted instead of trying to merge myself with someone else in order for that to happen. It was never necessary, and I've proven to myself that I could always do it on my own anyway.

Figure out what it is that YOU want. If kids are part of that picture, you can do that on your own these days legitimately (e.g., sperm banks, etc.). Maybe kids are something OTHER people want you to have, and you really don't. If you want that white picket fenced house, go out there and get it! You don't need a partner for that either.

We can choose to be social creatures or not. We don't need a "partner" to be social or feel fulfilled socially. We can choose how much or how little of this we want all by ourselves.

That's just my opinion. I'm certainly open to any course-correction if my perspective is unhealthy or whacked, but it seems a whole lot better than the alternative (invalidation, infantilization, betrayal, infidelity, and abuse of several varieties) that I lived with for nearly 30 years.
 
dunno. . . on my own trail of tears, avoiding romantic relationships has been essential to developing the most important relationship of any life: me and me. i'm coming up on my 43rd anniversary and still avoid romantic relationships when i am hating on myself. the romance is far sweeter when i take the time to love myself before i attempt loving someone else.


Thats where I am. Just broke off engagement number 3....

Im focusing on me for a LONG time, I thought I would hate it. Come to find out. It's exactly what I needed
 
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