Avoiding My Therapist

Sadielady3

New Here
Hello all,

I am a 39F. I think that I may have C-PTSD based on many, many things but have not been formally diagnosed with it. At least, not that I know of.

I see my therapist once per month. I belong to an HMO and that's about all of the time I can get based on my T being overbooked all of the time. He's a busy guy.

I've been in therapy on and off for about 30 years now. For me, therapy has always been easy. I've always treated it like a vent session. But my mental state took a sharp nose dive last December. I wasn't currently seeing a therapist so they randomly assigned one to me. I didn't mind because all therapists are essentially the same. Or so I thought...

Therapy has gotten really hard the past couple of months. I hide all of this from my therapist. He has no idea that the sessions are taking me to a dark place at times. The latest session though broke through a dam holding back years of emotions. I haven't been able to sleep or eat much for days. I feel incredibly unworthy of getting help but my husband (who is amazingly supportive) insists that I keep going to therapy. I just want to quit. Not because it's painful but because I've reached the point where I firmly believe that I am too broken to be fixed. I don't want to waste his time. I am also deeply and completely afraid that he's going to figure out how hopeless I am and tell me I'm beyond repair. It's one thing to think it but a whole other story to hear it from a trained professional. So I really, really, really want to log into my HMO's website and click cancel on my next appointment and just walk away. I'm good at rationalizing this as well- he's super busy and probably won't notice. I could always go back when I get better and can do better in therapy. My husband, on the other hand, is distraught over this and really believes that I need to stick with the therapy. He thinks I should email my T but I really don't want to bother him with my nonsense.

Rationally I know I should keep going. Maybe I am too broken to be fixed but maybe I could get at least a little better. Maybe I could retain feelings of joy for more than a few minutes. Maybe I could shut out some of the nastiest of the voices in my head. But the overwhelming anxiety I am feeling about bothering my T is really strong and impossible to ignore. Is there a way to get past this?
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
I have felt that same feeling, and I think when we "realize" the amount/impact of years of trauma, time lost, and then make that natural leap to "I would have been a totally different person if X, Y and Z traumas hadn't happened....." and anger plus that abandonment/belonging issues fuel the worthless me I'll never fit in or belong or be fixed.....or .broken beyond repair thinking.....which is a really helpless overwhelming feeling. But I think we are as broken as we allow ourselves to be. I think people who really want to find a better happier way to live...work at it.....and do. But they have to choose.....commit.....and come up with a plan to get in a better place.

Do you really care if you waste your T's time? Really, I doubt he thinks that way. He's paid to be there to hold space, and listen to your realizations, help you get through the shitty feelings. It is not the first time he's heard someone conclude they are broken.....and you won't be the last person. When I caved, I felt weak and broken.....

Then I got hard and heavy with the mindset, gotta fix what's broken, and one day I realized there was no blueprint of me fixed......and I wasn't Humpty Dumpty beyond repair without a blueprint.....what did fixed look like before I was broken...? With that perspective, I could make my own solution and I decide what will be my normal, my values, my interests, my kind of contentment and peace.....I decided what that looked like and how that would work for me....... not used anyone elses measuring stick for what was normal and not normal.......

Surely, those who raised me didn't have a clue what fixed/normal was so using them as a yardstick to measure my own mental health by was ludicrous.........they were dysfunctional, too......they were broken. I considered that a comforting feeling......now everyone is screwed up.....and maybe I wasn't as broken as some of them...........broken like everything else is on a spectrum and is different at different times in your life.........to what degree am I broken today is dependent on your perspective of a whole bunch of "shoulds..." or your concept of positive mental health, values, rules, right/wrong...... so you might think on that concept of "what fixed looks like for you." In the meantime, if you think you are broken and need fixing.....I'd keep going to the T cause he likely has a better idea how to help you feel better (fixed) than you do. Canceling the appt doesn't sound like a positive step towards fixing your brokenness. And....no, you are not broken beyond repair....I said the same thing a couple of years ago....it is a hard place to be. Sorry you are going through this but if you hang in there, it can get better.
 

piratelady

MyPTSD Pro
I would tell your therapist what you wrote above. Partly because they need to know how much of an impact the sessions are having on you so they can adjust accordingly. But also, you might be amazed at his response to the thought that you can’t be fixed.

I felt the same way, I still do sometimes. Therapist explained why he doesn’t believe that and he made a really great, rational, believable argument. They can’t help you with the stuff they don’t know is going on ☺️
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @Sadielady3 , I wouldn't quit therapy if I were you. Let your therapist know how your feeling but keep going. Sometimes you feel like shit but that's part of the process. It gets better as you progress through the tough times. 😊
 

Sadielady3

New Here
Thank you all for the replies.

@TruthSeeker , your post made me realize that, in truth, I'm playing the end game of this process. That probably sounds a lot more dark than I mean it so I will explain. My anxiety and depression have been wildly out of control for at least a year. I was barely functioning before my breakdown last December. I was deeply in denial about how bad I was actually doing and at the time, the downfall in December felt like it came out of nowhere. I blamed it on a lot of specific things but the truth is that all of my issues were really hitting hard. Things that most people can handle whilst being annoyed were things that I would obsess about and agonize over.

I feel like I really only have two choices- get better or give up. If there was a button that would just erase me from time and space so that I could stop existing without hurting others, I would give up and push it in a heartbeat. But that button doesn't exist and I know that any other action I could take to stop existing would inevitably hurt others. I may feel like other people caring about me is misguided and that I've tricked them somehow but I also accept that there are people who do care. Unless I want to hurt the people I love, I do need to find a way to keep going. I won't survive trying to live in this place of darkness. Rationally I know that people can only take so much before they can't keep going. I might not be able to be selfish enough to do this for myself but maybe I can accept that it's better to bother my T with my presence than it is to hurt the people I love. I'm sure he's had other clients that were a waste of time but he's getting paid for that time and can probably shrug it off.

Your comment about creating your own blueprint is a hard one for me to relate to. I don't think I've ever really known what peace or happiness look like. Really good things happen to me all of the time but I never feel joy for more than a very short time. I don't think I know what it would be look like or feel like to reach that place. That's probably a big missing piece in all of this for me- I can't see where I'm trying to go.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you all for the replies.

@TruthSeeker , your post made me realize that, in truth, I'm playing the end game of this process. That probably sounds a lot more dark than I mean it so I will explain. My anxiety and depression have been wildly out of control for at least a year. I was barely functioning before my breakdown last December. I was deeply in denial about how bad I was actually doing and at the time, the downfall in December felt like it came out of nowhere. I blamed it on a lot of specific things but the truth is that all of my issues were really hitting hard. Things that most people can handle whilst being annoyed were things that I would obsess about and agonize over.

I feel like I really only have two choices- get better or give up. If there was a button that would just erase me from time and space so that I could stop existing without hurting others, I would give up and push it in a heartbeat. But that button doesn't exist and I know that any other action I could take to stop existing would inevitably hurt others. I may feel like other people caring about me is misguided and that I've tricked them somehow but I also accept that there are people who do care. Unless I want to hurt the people I love, I do need to find a way to keep going. I won't survive trying to live in this place of darkness. Rationally I know that people can only take so much before they can't keep going. I might not be able to be selfish enough to do this for myself but maybe I can accept that it's better to bother my T with my presence than it is to hurt the people I love. I'm sure he's had other clients that were a waste of time but he's getting paid for that time and can probably shrug it off.

Your comment about creating your own blueprint is a hard one for me to relate to. I don't think I've ever really known what peace or happiness look like. Really good things happen to me all of the time but I never feel joy for more than a very short time. I don't think I know what it would be look like or feel like to reach that place. That's probably a big missing piece in all of this for me- I can't see where I'm trying to go.
isn't that exactly what you should be discussing with your therapist?! Your obviously intelligent because you've self analysed yourself to answer your own question. That's the best thing at the moment that you could have done. It sounds like the depression and anxiety led you to a place of dark despair but there is light at the end of the tunnel and people on this forum are proof of that. Don't give up on that. I too have felt suicidal like others on here but with the right help you can live a good life. You deserve that too. It sounds like you need goals and achievements to be able to refer to. Do you journal? That might help. And a list of achievable goals, some maybe psychological. Do you take medication? Maybe that needs to be looked at?
 

Sadielady3

New Here
@Survivor3 , it's not a question of whether I should bring this up to my therapist. I know I should. But there's an overwhelming fear at the prospect of doing so. I am unsure of how to do it because I know I'm going to freeze up. This is a really difficult thing for me to say out loud. I've tried journaling but I never stick with it for very long. I recently bought a journal with writing prompts because I thought that might help but I'm still bad at it.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I understand, I too freeze up sometimes because I find the subject matter too overwhelming. Maybe just write out 'bullet points' and read from that, or just hand it to him/her.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
I had to write down my
Thank you all for the replies.

@TruthSeeker , your post made me realize that, in truth, I'm playing the end game of this process. That probably sounds a lot more dark than I mean it so I will explain. My anxiety and depression have been wildly out of control for at least a year. I was barely functioning before my breakdown last December. I was deeply in denial about how bad I was actually doing and at the time, the downfall in December felt like it came out of nowhere. I blamed it on a lot of specific things but the truth is that all of my issues were really hitting hard. Things that most people can handle whilst being annoyed were things that I would obsess about and agonize over.

I feel like I really only have two choices- get better or give up. If there was a button that would just erase me from time and space so that I could stop existing without hurting others, I would give up and push it in a heartbeat. But that button doesn't exist and I know that any other action I could take to stop existing would inevitably hurt others. I may feel like other people caring about me is misguided and that I've tricked them somehow but I also accept that there are people who do care. Unless I want to hurt the people I love, I do need to find a way to keep going. I won't survive trying to live in this place of darkness. Rationally I know that people can only take so much before they can't keep going. I might not be able to be selfish enough to do this for myself but maybe I can accept that it's better to bother my T with my presence than it is to hurt the people I love. I'm sure he's had other clients that were a waste of time but he's getting paid for that time and can probably shrug it off.

Your comment about creating your own blueprint is a hard one for me to relate to. I don't think I've ever really known what peace or happiness look like. Really good things happen to me all of the time but I never feel joy for more than a very short time. I don't think I know what it would be look like or feel like to reach that place. That's probably a big missing piece in all of this for me- I can't see where I'm trying to go.
I only knew what I had for a family was dysfunctional and my relationships were dysfunctional. I didn't have a clue what normal looked like either. So I watched a lot of TV and focused on various character's lives, their traits, their value systems, and the Hallmark channel.....while disgustingly happy endings occur predictability, I was looking for my ideal.....how would I like it to be and what do I need to change to become a different, more positive and fully functional human being. I read a lot of self-help books...and listened to books on audiotape when the fog was so thick that I couldn't comprehend text. I decided that if I'm in charge, and I have control, I needed to figure out where I was going, what I wanted my life to look like, what values/morals I believed were important, and then make a written plan so I'd have a yardstick, do the T thing weekly, and work towards the goals I made for myself.....

I was lower than low and yes, thought those very same dark thoughts you have too....that's an awful place, and I'm sorry you are feeling that way...

My rational for not doing myself in was exactly the same as yours.....ditching life would hurt others.....someone would have to find me.....and that wouldn't be pretty....it would only traumatize them.....and I couldn't do that- same as you. Your rationale tells me you are a good person, a caring person, and a worthy person.

If you could make new memories.....what might you do that would make you smile? Make new memories has kinda become my motto for a how to do a do-over for life, was the beginning of my conceptualized blueprint/action plan for whom I wanted to be, and a catalyst to get past fear to accomplish new things. It sounds easy when I write this....but it was terrifying to be around people, always afraid I'd do things wrong, always afraid I'd make mistakes.....so very hard to get out of bed, afraid I'd say the wrong thing...or people would judge me.....but I started with how do I want to be remembered? This is morbid...I know. I wrote my obituary...and didn't like what was the truth. Then I wrote another one....and what I wrote in there became the basis for my therapy goals...and it sounds much more like someone who was happy, contented and really lived. This process has been helpful, and now a couple of years later.....I know I'm heading in the right direction...and my "real" obituary would sound better now.....as I am feeling better about my life....and whom I'm becoming, and I have a better sense of belonging with a few healthier folks. I hope you find your way....and keep going to see T....a good choice. Take care....
 
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