Ayahuasca/iboga. why not?

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Abyss95

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Hi. I'm a 22 year old Japanese Canadian guy. I have lived a life of severe social and emotional isolation. I was born to a caregiver who could not provide me the emotional attunement that every child needs, causing disorganized attachment. This emotional neglect ultimately caused me to dissociate which led me to live a life of anxiety, low self esteem, and depression. Also, I was separated from my father when I was ten years old. A year ago, I pretty much met the symptoms of avoidant personality disorder to a tee. However, in November last year, something triggered a state of chronic depersonalization/derealization. I don't feel worthless or have racing negative thoughts anymore, but I feel cut off from everyone/everything and my mind is blank. I'm not sure what triggered my DP. I had a very emotional conversation with my dad on Remembrance Day of last year telling him how I wish he didn't leave. It could have been that or smoking pot with a friend or just my struggle with long term unemployment. Anyways, I have some tactics in helping me get out dp/dr but so far they have not worked. I exercise, eat healthy, abstain from drugs/porn, and try to get a good nights sleep. I've used a lot of money on supplements/nootropics as well. I also have a bunch of nootropics coming in the next 2 weeks. That includes:

Lion's mane mushroom, cordyceps
Uridine Monophosphate+Alpha GPC+Fish oil
Bacopa monneiri
Rhodiola rosea
Black seed oil
sarcosine+NAC
CBD isolate
B complex/niacin/vitamin b12
magnesium malate
noopept

I want to pursue trauma therapy(EMDR/somatic experiencing), neurofeedback(I had an EEG session done yesterday) but, this all seems pointless if I'm chronically dissociated.
So.. it seems like ayahuasca/Iboga have the power to force myself to confront my traumatic memories and process them. I believe processing these traumatic memories is the key to getting out of dp.

I should say that I've only incorporated my tactics for the past 3 weeks. Although I'm pretty proud of staying so productive this long. Usually I quit after a few days. If exercise,diet,nootropics,sleep,abstinence from drugs/porn won't relieve my dp.. then psychedelics seem like to only option. I'm just worried it could trigger HPPD/ schizophrenia/ psychosis/ bipolar/ DID, or suicide.

I am quite new to dissociative disorders, CPTSD, and the treatment of these disorders. If you took the time to read my post, thank you. So.. what should I do?
 

Sideways

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then psychedelics seem like to only option.
Is there a reason why treatment modalities that are known to be effective with ptsd (like, for example, cbt) are not an option?

There’s a whole stack of treatment options available that don’t carry the risks of hallucinogens like this one. I’m not really understanding why the immediate leap to an incredibly risky treatment option...??
 

Abyss95

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It just seems like any of those things are pointless if i'm dissociated and can't be present. And I don't just have regular ptsd where I had a traumatic event in my adulthood. I've had pretty bad developmental trauma as well as suffered occasional verbal abuse from peers. I've probably been dissociated since age 1-3 and it is highly ingrained into my nervous system and limbic system. I think those therapies are very effective, it's just maybe I really do need something to brute force my brain out of dp so I can just get the ball rolling and use therapy to their effectiveness.
 

EveHarrington

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So you have a lifetime of dissociation that you’ve only been working on for 3 weeks and you’re ready to forego traditional treatments simply because you’re impatient and don’t want to put in the hard work?
 

Abyss95

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So you have a lifetime of dissociation that you’ve only been working on for 3 weeks and you’r...
I guess I am being impatient. I just wonder how long it's gonna take until I see some kind of breakthrough..

The concept that it will “brute force” your brain in a healthy way? Good luck with that!.

As long as I don't suicide I feel like it's worth

Part of the point of therapy is learning how to deal with dissociation.
Well I know things like grounding techniques, thought stopping, "DP is no big deal" frame, mindfulness.
 
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Hi. I'm a 22 year old Japanese Canadian guy. I have lived a life of severe social and emotional isolati...
I did aya a couple times. If you DO go down that route make sure you do it with people. Find a shaman and do it as ceremony work, for your own protection. And be careful what herbs/supplements you take. You may need to clean out your system first. Also there is a strict diet with aya so do your research. Some people swear by aya and it may give you some missing pieces but there is no holy grail of healing IMO. But I wish you luck. I, too, love to try new things and like to experiment with the non traditional.

Oh and to whoever said you don’t want to do the hard work, if you DO try aya, that IS really hard work. It’s just not traditional. But I agree, anything you try will take time.
 

EveHarrington

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I did aya a couple times. If you DO go down that route make sure you do it with people. Find a...

It’s not hard work in the sense that you take a drug and the drug acts on you.

All other modes of therapy require me to be my own motivational force. If I don’t do the work, I don’t heal.

That was my point.

I NEVER advocate drugs to impatient newvbies.

God knows we’ve had enough people post here about how drugs messed them up for life.
 

Abyss95

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Actually, common trauma therapies are still very effective if someone is dissociated. They work with...

well I've already spent $340 on 3 sessions with this therapist who specializes in trauma and we honestly have done nothing so far. Just me telling her basic information about myself, learned about trauma therapy, and grounding exercises. The only source of income I have is my mom who makes <$20,000/yr. I can't really afford to just keep paying $120/session and make no progress. And it might be simplistic, but I see crying as the most significant sign of progress. I can pay $120 and talk about my feelings for 50 minutes and but if I'm chronically dissociated I won't cry and it will be not worth the money. I'm willing to take risks, and If paying $1k for a 5 day ayahuasca retreat can get me similar experiences to the ones I've read, it would be way more worth the money than therapy, as long as I don't suicide.

Also, nothing seems to get me out of dissociation. Intense exercise, yoga, meditation are the ones I've tried. The only thing I can do right now is hope that nofap is slowly rewiring my brain; today is day 27 and my take from the nofap community is that day 45-90 is where the magic happens. If I reach day 90(while continuing exercise,healthy diet) and nothing happens, then it seems like drugs would be the only option. From what I've read, on a neurobiological level, dissociation is an overactive kappa opioid receptor system. Don't quote me on that, because I know it's way more complicated than that. Anyways, I could try taking a KOR antagonist such as Naltrexone+Buprenorphine,
CERC-501+Lamotrigine, Suboxone, or Naloxone. I would like to add that I would use these with caution. I would only take them before therapy sessions because if I take them and expose myself to my past and current reality, alone at night, there is a chance I might suicide. I'd basically be undergoing KOR antagonist assisted psychotherapy. It just seems kinda slow though. Ayahuasca/ibogaine seems like a full blown exorcism, which is what I feel like I need.
 
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