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Back again

Helliepig

MyPTSD Pro
I was on this website a few years ago and left because I started to find it all a bit hard managing relationships on here which mirrors the struggle I have in real life. Lately I was drawn to a UK PTSD website but found it frustrating in that there were so few members it was hard to get a real conversation going or find like minded people so here I am again!

My previous thread was called 3 steps forward and it's locked for any further replies. At some point I will read it again and hopefully will realise how far I've come.

At the moment I'm having a big flashback that has been really frightening. I guess it's the very early stuff and at times is literally unbearable, containing elements of death and existential panic and utter hopelessness. I've been here before but usually endured (barely) usually with the help of meds. This time I'm trying to sit with it and hope it will process enough for the raging anxiety and nausea and panic to subside and work with what underlies it.

It's like I've spent my whole life searching for something to escape this existential dread, to escape being alive somehow. I've had a fantasy notion if only I can find x or y this endless dread that I carry around will disappear and I will feel safe. I thus seem to be terrified of ordinary life, ordinary people, because it means if they are ordinary they cannot be a hero, they cannot cover me in soothing love that finally makes me whole and if this is true then there is no rescue, nothing that will create the "home" I've always wanted. It seems such a silly notion on the face of it but as I write it it seems to sad that the poor little child I was really still believes this is the only way she can bear reality.

I know somehow I have to find it for myself, in myself. I can comprehend that this "stuff" is trauma, and not all of me, nor the whole of my future, but by god it is frightening and overwhelming, like reality becomes twisted and maelovalant and I feel like I don't exist. I can't imagine as I sit with it it ever ending. I wonder what life might be the other side of this - even as I can't comprehend that as a possibility,
 
I am so sorry for what has brought you back. I used to go as gizmo and you are a good friend Helli.

I changed my name because of problems with my adult daughter who is a alcoholic and a borderline not receiving treatment at this time and I had to change my diary title to Rainbow Trail.

I am really sorry to hear of the bad time you are having and I will be there for you again.

The need to be rescued has been a huge hurdle for me in my life and it does crop up occasionally. I hope that you are still in therapy and hopefully that it is healing for you as much as is possible for now because it sounds like you are dealing with some heavy duty issues right now.

My previous thread was called 3 steps forward and it's locked for any further replies. At some point I will read it again and hopefully will realise how far I've come

If you want to open your thread up just get a help ticket and the mods will unlock it for you.

Good to see you.:hug:
 
Thank you Rain and good to talk to you again:happy:
I still have an EMDR/trauma therapist although I haven't seen her for a couple of months as I was trying to go it alone, also I've joined a gestalt group which is horrible and powerful so therefore probably good.....

All fun and games
 
All fun and games

Yes and then some. I have missed you and so have others but I do not even know if they are here or not anymore. Lots of name changes for people and it is hard for me to be caught up.

I am glad that your diary is unlocked now. I was reading through a very old thread and so many people are no longer here. It is always good to reconnect with someone I used to know.

I will continue to read and support you as I consider you a very good friend and person. I have been through so many personal changes myself. I am back in therapy again with my old therapist. My husband died about five years ago and my daughter is now a rabid alcoholic and has falsely accused me of molesting her infant daughter twelve years ago and attacked and harrassed me and also is diagnosed with BPD untreated. So for almost the past year I have been estranged from her and the two precious grandkids. It has been so much fun and games like you said and had I not had the good support I found here I do not know where I would be.

So interested to catch up with you. Looking forward to reading you again.:hug:
 
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