I was on this website a few years ago and left because I started to find it all a bit hard managing relationships on here which mirrors the struggle I have in real life. Lately I was drawn to a UK PTSD website but found it frustrating in that there were so few members it was hard to get a real conversation going or find like minded people so here I am again!
My previous thread was called 3 steps forward and it's locked for any further replies. At some point I will read it again and hopefully will realise how far I've come.
At the moment I'm having a big flashback that has been really frightening. I guess it's the very early stuff and at times is literally unbearable, containing elements of death and existential panic and utter hopelessness. I've been here before but usually endured (barely) usually with the help of meds. This time I'm trying to sit with it and hope it will process enough for the raging anxiety and nausea and panic to subside and work with what underlies it.
It's like I've spent my whole life searching for something to escape this existential dread, to escape being alive somehow. I've had a fantasy notion if only I can find x or y this endless dread that I carry around will disappear and I will feel safe. I thus seem to be terrified of ordinary life, ordinary people, because it means if they are ordinary they cannot be a hero, they cannot cover me in soothing love that finally makes me whole and if this is true then there is no rescue, nothing that will create the "home" I've always wanted. It seems such a silly notion on the face of it but as I write it it seems to sad that the poor little child I was really still believes this is the only way she can bear reality.
I know somehow I have to find it for myself, in myself. I can comprehend that this "stuff" is trauma, and not all of me, nor the whole of my future, but by god it is frightening and overwhelming, like reality becomes twisted and maelovalant and I feel like I don't exist. I can't imagine as I sit with it it ever ending. I wonder what life might be the other side of this - even as I can't comprehend that as a possibility,
My previous thread was called 3 steps forward and it's locked for any further replies. At some point I will read it again and hopefully will realise how far I've come.
At the moment I'm having a big flashback that has been really frightening. I guess it's the very early stuff and at times is literally unbearable, containing elements of death and existential panic and utter hopelessness. I've been here before but usually endured (barely) usually with the help of meds. This time I'm trying to sit with it and hope it will process enough for the raging anxiety and nausea and panic to subside and work with what underlies it.
It's like I've spent my whole life searching for something to escape this existential dread, to escape being alive somehow. I've had a fantasy notion if only I can find x or y this endless dread that I carry around will disappear and I will feel safe. I thus seem to be terrified of ordinary life, ordinary people, because it means if they are ordinary they cannot be a hero, they cannot cover me in soothing love that finally makes me whole and if this is true then there is no rescue, nothing that will create the "home" I've always wanted. It seems such a silly notion on the face of it but as I write it it seems to sad that the poor little child I was really still believes this is the only way she can bear reality.
I know somehow I have to find it for myself, in myself. I can comprehend that this "stuff" is trauma, and not all of me, nor the whole of my future, but by god it is frightening and overwhelming, like reality becomes twisted and maelovalant and I feel like I don't exist. I can't imagine as I sit with it it ever ending. I wonder what life might be the other side of this - even as I can't comprehend that as a possibility,