Back For Now. Stuck In A Deep Depression.

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mytai

MyPTSD Pro
I haven't been on here in a very long time, not sure when I last posted - if it was before or after my most recent attempt in September. Anyways, here's the update portion before the I need advice/support portion.

Update: Made another attempt on my life in September, was taken in by ambulance, was actually admitted into the psych ward/floor after waiting almost a week in the ER. I attempted because of a court/trial that was supposed to be coming up (more on that in a bit). I did a fair bit of damage to myself, not sure if I'm having seizure like episodes now (started in the hospital) or what. I'm currently seeing a neurologist to see if they can figure it out, but it's been a long wait - it took from September until February to see the neurologist, now I have to wait until May to have an EEG done. I don't have typical full blown seizures, so they may not be that at all - they are also looking into MS because I am showing the beginning stages of that and the episodes may be a weird display of the nerves in my brain going wacky.

I'm off all my meds, I have been since January - this was a mutual decision between myself, my T, and my psychiatrist and doctor. I needed a break from them, I was too numbed out and drugged up. My T said she was happy I'm not on them anymore because I'm a lot more articulate now, and less zoned out. I am learning to control my emotions, and express them. I'm doing better with the expression portion of them, at least most of the time. I can at least tell my T why I feel the way I do, even if I don't allow myself to show/release the emotion. T has been seeing me pro bono since the summer because I can't afford to pay her (hoping she will be compensated through the court system soon), bless that woman for doing this for me. She's been my only consistent support for a while now.

Back to the trial thing - I was assaulted on the job in July, I was pressing charges, standing up for myself, and dealing with one of my big fears which is putting trust in the police. Long story short, the police officer who responded didn't collect two major pieces of evidence in July - the second camera view of the assault, and the statement from an employee that talked to the guy who assaulted me. Because of his shoddy police work I found out last week from the Crown that it won't be going to trial because he would be acquitted (due to it now becoming a "he said, she said" situation). So I have to settle for a peace bond, which does nothing. I have been an emotional wreck since last week, the trial was supposed to be next week. I feel destroyed inside.

Non-Update Chunk: I have been stuck in a severe depression since meeting with the Crown last week. I don't want to go to work, I'm so stressed and upset that it has aggravated the seizure like episodes and the numb/tingling in my feet and legs. Despite some good news this week I can't get excited or happy about it. I feel on the verge of having a break down, my last support other than my T is mad at me because I told her it was wrong of her to share what happened with the Crown to a mutual friend without asking me first. She hasn't talked to me in a week. My T hasn't been able to see me since I met with the Crown, I saw her the day before, and I see her tomorrow. I don't know how I will be for that, I hope I can let go and allow myself to be upset instead of shoving it down (which is what I've been doing all week). I really need a hug, I needed one from my friend that night but she's stepped out of my life now, so I really hope T offers one, I don't know if I will be able to ask. I'm worried about getting to a point again where making an attempt is an option in my mind. The hospital is not an option here because they turn you away for mental health reasons (it's a huge problem in this city), I don't drive anymore so I can't go elsewhere. I have my T, that's it, I wish I could pay her so I could see her more than once a week right now but I am still recovering from the financial losses I went through after losing my job due to the assault. Not sure what to do. My heart hurts in a way I've never felt before. I have zero power to change the trial situation, and that is really messing with me. I feel powerless, I am powerless, it really hurts.
 

Neverthesame

Not Active
Oh dear. I Don't know what to say. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I cannot understand why the police missed that. It simply isn't fair. You have every right to be angry and upset.

I know the Canadian heath care system can be, how do I say? Piss poor, when it comes to treating suicide attempts. I really hope your doctor's, nurses, and specialist are being kind and supportive to you.

Finally I just wanted you to know I read your post (listened so to speak). Hugs if you accept them. Hope it helps hold you over till you see your T tomorrow.
 

darrenS

MyPTSD Pro
im sorry to hear that things had gotten so bad , and i don't know what to suggest other than to say , i know youve been through hell from what you say , and to compound it you never got the justice you deserved. Add to this your T should never share your details unless you have okay-ed it.

Dont compound it further by believing your powerless , you may not have received the justice you deserve , but more important than justice is your health and your view of yourself , don't let the actions of one put your own value at risk. You took action , it may not have been the outcome you was looking for , but you went ahead after being assaulted. I am a male and i wouldn't have the guts to charge someone with assault , id be too scared - honestly.

You may not have the power to change trial outcomes but you do have the power to change your outcome, please dont let your self fall again, and when it gets really tough , come here and connect with some people , get the support you need and dont battle it alone ,
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
I've wondered how you were doing and how things were going for you. Glad to see you back here! I'm also glad you're still working your way through things. (Maybe getting the physical things sorted out will help with the mental challenges as well.)

So welcome back, don't be a stranger! :hug: (best I can do from here!)
 

Casey_03

MyPTSD Pro
This post has made me cry, mainly because I wish I really could give you a hug. I can relate to so much of your story, or at least what I know of it. My big trauma was made a million times worse because police failed to respond to my call, which resulted in hours more torture and an absolute loss of faith in humanity. People are disappointing; it's just a fact. They are, and sometimes it seems like that's all they are good for. I too am stuck in a very severe depression, and I haven't been able to pull myself out. I would recommend taking up any kind of physical activity that appeals to you -- yoga, martial arts, jogging, or even just stretching. It helps to dilute the feeling of helplessness. The other thing that has helped for me (sometimes) is reading. I often survived depression by reading the works of very depressing authors, oddly enough. If only because their portrayals of the world made sense to me and made me feel less alone. Please know that you have done nothing to deserve any of this and your life is worth so much more than ending in suicide.
 
Hi, it's so good to see you back! I've been thinking about you a lot and wondering how things have been. I just wanted to let you know that you have someone who still cares! Feel free to PM me anytime…I miss our chats! :-) Keep up the good work in therapy, I know you can do it! Big hugs!
 

mytai

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @scout86 @shimmerz and @HollyBeans27 thank you, and hugs back. @Casey_03 I do what I can for exercise to help the depression, I do what my body will let me right now.

I'm disappointed in myself today, I didn't do as good with my T as I hoped. I felt the tears and emotions coming up, and out of habit I shoved it down. That's something I need to talk to my T about, maybe she can help me figure out a way to stop myself from doing that in safe situations like her office. I also didn't tell T about the suicidal thoughts. I did communicate the entire time, I talked to her about the trial garbage, about the friend crossing a boundary. I also didn't ask T for a hug and I needed one, really needed one. I might send her an email tonight, or tomorrow just so we can touch on it next week. I don't want to get out of bed tomorrow or go to work, I just want to sleep, sleep until I don't feel so sad. Stay in bed with the cats.
 

TreeHugger

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome back, dear mytai! I was thinking a lot of you lately, and there you are! And although the circumstances are rather sad, it's really great, that you found the courage to reach out here on the forum again.
I might send her an email tonight, or tomorrow just so we can touch on it next week.
Yes, I think that's a very good idea; To write down your fears, doubts, struggles and wishes and just send them to her. I'm positive, that she will handle it in her professional but kind way, together with you. - So relieved you're back @mytai! :tup:
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
I don't want to get out of bed tomorrow or go to work, I just want to sleep, sleep until I don't feel so sad. Stay in bed with the cats.
I worry that you may be feeding the freeze response. I wonder if getting your body moving, finding that spot in you that wants to freeze, would be helpful. For me it is my shoulder blades. I forget while I am in freeze mode that if I stretch my shoulders backwards and breathe that I lose that lethargy. I am not saying it is that easy, I worked forever to find the 'sweet spot' and there was resistance when I first worked with it.

Just a gentle reminder that freeze may be what you are working with.
I did communicate the entire time, I talked to her about the trial garbage, about the friend crossing a boundary. I also didn't ask T for a hug and I needed one, really needed one. I might send her an email tonight, or tomorrow just so we can touch on it next week.
It sounds to me like you did a ton of good in your t session! It doesn't matter so much what those like us don't do. It matters more, imho, what we do do! I am going to congratulate you for yesterday!
 
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