Hey All, I am not sure if my previous post worked. I am new here. My name is Rachael. And I am a 21 year old university student from NY. I recently spent some time in Africa specifically Rwanda, Ethiopia and the Congo. My life has not been the same since returning. I had been in the hospital with possible malaria but it turned out just to be an infection from travel. I know have constant thoughts about Rwanda and the genocide. I dream away the day thinking about everything that happened to my friends in Rwanda. I visit the faces of people who were hacked in my mind. And in the shower I think of the people who hid in the shower that I used while in Rwanda. I have serious anxiety problems when I go places I become angry at strangers for being happy. I get really scared at any loud noises but the scariest for me is silence when I sense this doom. I wonder about death all the time and wonder what why I am leaving and the little childern of Kibuye are not. I cant find any laughter anymore and my family has started to become upset by my depression. I am only 21 and I want to live life again. I want to be happy. In Africa I worked in the bush in fear of attack all the time from stories told to me even though I knew I would be safe. i feel as though I served in the military and I cannot communicate with people my age. Men in Rwanda have made me very angry at the atrocities they committed on the women in Kigali and the country. mass rapings. I was finally able to admit that I had been raped my first year of University by a former friend of mine. I had so much strength in Africa and now I feel like I am weak and not worth the life that I have. I want to go back to Africa and help "my childern" but I feel so sad I cry and cry.