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Back from the dead

Discussion in 'Accomplishments' started by seabadger, Jun 4, 2018.

  1. seabadger

    seabadger New Member

    Last year I was in a state of psychosis, I believed I was eternally doomed, I had all these beliefs and concepts which made it so it was impossible to find any solution with my mind. I got heavily addicted to all kinds of drugs. I had a bunch of seizures trying to get off xanax too fast. I went into a drug addiction treatment centre. I didn't believe it was possible for them to help me but I had nowhere else to go. I finished up in the treatment centres 6 months ago, spent the last 6 months floating about from place to place.

    The thing is, I was in such a bad place mentally that I was kind of forced to stop thinking about things and the only way I know to do that is to meditate. Somehow in this state of hopelessness I managed to let go of so much ego and attachment that I'm not the same person anymore. I feel like I'm actually less of a person. I don't care what people think of me, sometimes that comes back but I must be far more aware now because I instantly catch it every time. The life challenges are actually vastly greater for me now and somehow it isn't making me suffer much because I dropped so many concepts and ideas about "where I'm meant to be". I stopped thinking about past and future and redirected my focus to NOW.

    When I went into the drug treatment centre I was on the verge of death, they almost didn't let me in because they weren't sure I was gonna survive the first few days. They were checking on me regularly to make sure I was still alive. Physically, mentally and spiritually, everything has shifted. Getting free of drug addiction is nothing compared to being liberated from the mental viruses that had me trapped in the mind. I don't see it as an accomplishment because I didn't have to do anything for it to happen. In fact, it was more a matter of not doing. Letting go of the mental patterns that were haunting me.

    Its like layers of an onion being stripped away. I been transformed, purified, liberated on a deep level but I'm only really getting started.

    I don't see this as an accomplishment cuz I didn't actually do anything to make it happen, it just happened.
    littleoc and shimmerz like this.
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  3. I was where you are 2 years ago. I refused to go to rehab and almost died a few times. I found myself homeless and in a place I never thought I would be.

    I lived in a world of psychosis for about 4 or 5 years. In 2016 I tried to get sober because I slit my wrists and I didn't die. I found some kind of strength in myself that I never thought I had.

    I'm two years sober almost and I have a life now that I never considered as a possibility. I'm constantly living with those memories. I didn't remember a lot of the things that had happened to to me and that I had done ,things that I had seen.

    And now I have to look at it with a sober mind and it's terrifying and it keeps me up at night.

    I have the same nightmare over and over again someone breaking into my house it's gotten so bad that I want to put more locks on the doors.
    It's so real to me.
    I'm not struggling to stay sober but I can say that it's a bit of a struggle to stay being me.
    I can disassociate so hard sometimes that I don't even feel like I'm me but I feel like I'm watching myself in a cross the room like on a movie screen.

    Like I'm on autopilot. And then things just fast forward and it's a new day and I have to remember that I'm happy and I'm not in that place anymore. I don't ever have to be it's a choice. You've found strength in your strength in yourself to continue on without the monster.

    It's so hard looking at yourself in the face and realizing who you've become. I think the hardest part for people like us is remembering the things that happened and that there were points in our lives that we cared so little that we didn't let all of the pain bother us. No matter what no matter how much you hide or You Lose Yourself to some kind of dream world and Live Another Life, it is all still there and you wake up. All of the pain. Now all that you can do is cope and it's really hard but you're not alone.
  4. whiteraven

    whiteraven Well-Known Member

    I'm so glad you were able to find something that helped. I've experienced the same with mindfulness meditation (I am Buddhist) although I still struggle with some of the ideas of *our* impermanence and feeling hopeless. I can definitely relate to the not caring what other people think anymore and being focused on the now.

    It's really hard for folks to put the stuff of the past in the past, so I think it's a great accomplishment that you are finding more and more that you can do that. I firmly believe that, in many cases, we create or at least perpetuate our own suffering by getting all caught up in it. It's so hard to let that stuff go, but it sounds like you are on your way!
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