back where my abuse happened-vividly real flashblacks

Hi all :) its been a while since I last came on here. I remember how much it helped me knowing I wasnt alone so I decided to post again

I moved away from the house in which my abuse happened for college but im back again because school is on break and im feeling all sorts of things right now.

I dread waking up in this bed every morning. Everywhere I look I am reminded of the abuse I endured here. The sheets are still the same from when I was raped and strangled.

I have been having the most vivid and intense flashblacks I have ever had. Its to the point where I can longer ground myself like I used to-it takes me much longer. It feels like anything is a trigger at this point. If I hear one loud smack I am there under him again. My vision starts to go black and I can physically feel his hands restraining my neck and I actually start to choke as if I can’t breath in the. Or its like I can actually feel the blow to my head as he punched me. I guess my first question is if it’s normal to physically feel the abuse in the present again?

I also would like to know if anyone has any advice for what to do to take my mind off of my memories? I dont feel comfortable leaving the house out of fear that I might run into my father (long story short I was sexually abused by him and havent spoken to him in 2 years but he still lives in my area/neighborhood and apparantly walks by my house) So I can’t even go to the grocery store without the fear of runnng into him and I cant stay at home because this is the room where my ex abused me. I also do not have any friends here, all my friendships ended before I left. I dont really know what to do with myself. Im stuck here for two weeks and I cant fathom staying in this room any longer. The things I would usually do back at school like go for walks or rollerskating I cant do. I want to get out of this house but there is nowhere for me to go.

I am feeling so overwhelmed and its hard for me to process anything right now. I wish I knew someone who understands.
 
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Friday

Moderator
I guess my first question is if it’s normal to physically feel the abuse in the present again?
Yep. That’s called a flashback. Reliving, instead of remembering.
The things I would usually do back at school like go for walks or rollerskating I cant do. I want to get out of this house but there is nowhere for me to go.
TBH... I would take this as a learning thing, and never come back to this house, again; OR do so in a way where you’re not living there (so you can come in for 30 seconds, leave, return later for 10 seconds, return later for 90 seconds, etc.)... depending on how important it is, to you, to be able to come back to this house. Like, if you own it, but the mortgage is underwater so selling isn’t possible? So you’re stuck with it until the market improves? Or you can’t get a quit-claim deed from your ex? Seeeeeriously consider leasing the f*cker out. Yes, it’s a place to go during school breaks, but it’s a really sucky/miserable place to go. If you lease it out via a management agency you won’t make as much money, but you also won’t be called up to deal with various problems, nor have to go through the process of taking prospective tenants through it. But you still keep the asset.

I’m not saying this lightly... I lived in the house my ex drugged, raped, & tried to kill me in for a couple years (being broken into 2-3 times a week by his asshole friends, and the address posted on “f*ck with me” websites... and no power/water for most of that time because of other bullshit emotional games my ex was playing), because we weren’t divorced, yet, (it takes awhile in my state) and then because I was broke but there were a shitton of bills my ex hadn’t paid (court ordered to, and didn’t, paid more to the courts in contempt fines and the lawyers than the bills cost). I NEEDED to either sell or lease the f*cker out, and couldn’t... so I understand it’s not always possible. But if it IS possible? Do it. Lease if it’s a family heirloom type property you want to eventually be okay with again & reclaim, or the mortgage is upside down; sell if you need to avoid going to jail for burning thenf*cker down one day when you hit your limit.

But whether you lease it, or sell it, or leave it as is for now? LEAVE IT. At least for now. Make other plans for school breaks. Don’t put yourself through this, again.

And, hey. If you’ve got a couple weeks, left? I’d suggest finding somewhere else to stay. Road tripping, short term work, back to university, talk to the DV shelter & see if they want to use it for a couple weeks in exchange for a bed... really... almost anywhere would be better than here, yes? <<< All that fails? Pack it out & repaint. That will give you a couple weeks of 10+ hour days to a purpose. A brutal, shitty, hard as hell purpose... but the nice thing about action? It kills fear.

Also? Burn the sheets. Or donate them. Use a sleeping bag.
 
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Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
If you have no where else to stay at the moment, then it's working out how you can try and stay present in the moment (no easy task given all the triggers around you).

Changing the sheets seems something that is realistic to do?

I have found the following things helpful to me at times of being 'back there':
Talking to myself out loud. Saying "it's ok" "I'm safe". Hearing my voice seems to help.
Touching a part of my body to soothe me. I stroke my upper chest. That has a calming effect.
My T says playing with something tactile. A little squeezey toy. Doesn't really work but I still do it.

Is anyone else in the house with you? If so, do they know what happened and can they help in any way?

I'm sorry you are going through this.
Is it possible for you to leave the house and not go back, like @Friday said? If that is possible, sounds the best way to feel safe and remove these immediate triggers.
 
@Friday @Movingforward10

Thank you for your replies, it helps more than you know. Unfortunately, as much as I wish I could I am not able to leave the house in the ways @Friday suggested. My mother is the one who rents it and her lease goes for another year. I am begging her not to renew it after that.

My brother also lives in this house and he knows what happened to me. I was thinking of possibly asking him to switch rooms with me? Or if I could sleep in his room for the time being?

Next break I am just going to stay at school. I love my family and I love seeing them but this is all too much for me. I don't feel safe inside this home or outside it.

I am definitely going to get rid of these God awful sheets now that you both mention it.

Waking up to your messages made this morning a lot less dreadful. Thank you for listening and caring.
 
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