Bad flashback

[SeekingAfrica]

It hasn't been this bad in a while. N9rmal work at home day, actually quite productive. Then it happened, the trigger. I cried like a baby for hours, and flashes are still coming in waves though smaller now. I mentally cannot have strength to feel anything else. Physically my body hurts like THEN. I've broken fully. Thank God it's night time and there's no one to see this.

I've fully resolved to automatic behaviors and thank God I've worked on those for some time. Going to the store to get junk food to eat in pajamas in bed is at least better than hurting myself or drinking until I forget, as I feel like. I know my body needs something better than junk food but being present to even eat anything is an achievement. I was like a zombie going to the store, thank God I can walk to there and it was dark en9ugh that people didn't see me closing my eyes every few steps.



I should be guilty or ashamed but honestly I'm scared at the strength of this and how I'll be tomorrow. I've forgotten how bad it gets.

 

[arfie]

why should you feel ashamed or guilty? guilt and shame are symptoms of a disease you did not special order far more than a prosecutable offense.

steadying support while you nurse those symptoms, seeki. be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.

 

[Defaultxlove]

With you SeekingAfrica ❤️❤️

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Thank you all! I've cried twice already today so the support is appreciated.

I hate feeling like this when I have to work. If could I'd take time off but I need the money.

But at those moments it feels like time has shrunk somehow and my conc3ntration is so low and I just cry like every 30 min, sucks. I need my workout and my apartment clean and to feel like human again.

I can't believe I let him turn my life into this. And I need therapy but need to get paid first. And I dont want my planner because I feel ugly and I don't that ugliness in it. How did I get into this feeling again, i hate it...thank you for this forum, I don't know how I'd cope otherwise...

 

[caroline_13]

You're not alone, I'm really struggling now too. I have't been able to go to the store; that'd be too much rn, good for you for making it to the store !

 

[StillPen]

With tou @SeekingAfrica. Pajamas and junk food are just fine...you're eating and have clothes on...two good things. Hopefully you are sleeping well. I'm sorry this was a bad one.

 

[Megslulu]

It hasn't been this bad in a while. N9rmal work at home day, actually quite productive. Then it happened, the trigger. I cried like a baby for hours, and flashes are still coming in waves though smaller now. I mentally cannot have strength to feel anything else. Physically my body hurts like THEN. I've broken fully. Thank God it's night time and there's no one to see this.

I've fully resolved to automatic behaviors and thank God I've worked on those for some time. Going to the store to get junk food to eat in pajamas in bed is at least better than hurting myself or drinking until I forget, as I feel like. I know my body needs something better than junk food but being present to even eat anything is an achievement. I was like a zombie going to the store, thank God I can walk to there and it was dark en9ugh that people didn't see me closing my eyes every few steps.



I should be guilty or ashamed but honestly I'm scared at the strength of this and how I'll be tomorrow. I've forgotten how bad it gets.

I was about to post something similar. I had a bad flashback last night, triggered by a brother I haven’t had contact with in years. I dissociated and raged at him and other family over text. I feel so ashamed and fear the repercussions because my family has never been supportive of me in any way. This morning, I deleted the texts and barely remember what I said. I have been in therapy off & on over the yeas. I haven’t had an episode like this in years. It’s so intense and exhausting.

I hope you too are doing ok.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I also had a terrible flashback the other night. It was the worst one I've ever had. I had to step back from life for about a week until I was able to function well again. I hear you and I so hope you feel better.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I also had a terrible flashback the other night. It was the worst one I've ever had. I had to step back from life for about a week until I was able to function well again. I hear you and I so hope you feel better.

I'm so sorry! Hope you are getting better! Honestly, I had such a hard time since September, with ups and downs, but the last month was the worst. So for the last 10 days, I took a break. I slept 12h several times (which usually never happens more than once a year), wrote a lot, read a lot, did yoga, took walks and adjusted my meds and then all those again. And I danced and saw the important people in my life and then slept more. I had literally a mental breakdown the week before, I'm surprised I did get paid and didn't lose my apartment. Jury is still out on whether I'm keeping my job- but I'm looking for more clients and 'eggs in my basket' in any case.
So whatever happens happens. As an adult I'm at peace with the results of my actions. I had a mental breakdown, I was way too broken, I needed the time to recover. And I have.! I feel much better and more able to cope with any consequences of my actions. Had a terrible flashback yesterday, but I'm finally at peace with the fact that sometimes I'll lose time and that is what it is. I have to accept it. It made it easier to recover, I think.

 

[StillPen]

I am so in awe of the amazing self-care, acknowledging where you are, what happened and coping...coping! A set back, not the end...just amazing! Hope everything settles soon...

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I am so in awe of the amazing self-care, acknowledging where you are, what happened and coping...coping! A set back, not the end...just amazing! Hope everything settles soon...

Thank you so much! I think with all the self-care last week it allowed me the space to think about things...
And for a few years, I've made choices and coped with symptoms, and I always knew- I'm making the right decision, or this is normal with PTSD. But I would nevertheless feel this toxic guilt and turmoil about all of those things... torturing myself about... well, everything. Maybe I wasn't really present or thought I deserved a shot at a better life after the rubble of everything that brought me PTSD in a first place.

I didn't have the time or the money to take these last 10 days- but I wasn't in a state to argue with myself.
It was a health thing. Had to take them to recover, want it or not.
And now I've reached a new level of peace with myself (let's hope it holds). Like, once I've made a decision, and done it, I just let it unfold.
The good, the bad or the ugly, I just let it happen and react to the result- but I am not torturing myself over the choice and that's progress.
And I'm glad I'm still here, and get to fight to make a better life.

 

[caroline_13]

I'm so sorry! Hope you are getting better! Honestly, I had such a hard time since September, with ups and downs, but the last month was the worst. So for the last 10 days, I took a break. I slept 12h several times (which usually never happens more than once a year), wrote a lot, read a lot, did yoga, took walks and adjusted my meds and then all those again. And I danced and saw the important people in my life and then slept more. I had literally a mental breakdown the week before, I'm surprised I did get paid and didn't lose my apartment. Jury is still out on whether I'm keeping my job- but I'm looking for more clients and 'eggs in my basket' in any case.
So whatever happens happens. As an adult I'm at peace with the results of my actions. I had a mental breakdown, I was way too broken, I needed the time to recover. And I have.! I feel much better and more able to cope with any consequences of my actions. Had a terrible flashback yesterday, but I'm finally at peace with the fact that sometimes I'll lose time and that is what it is. I have to accept it. It made it easier to recover, I think.

That is beautiful how you took care of yourself. Inspiring.