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Bad reaction to hearing long version of my first name.

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Ellabella44

MyPTSD Pro
Not sure where this belongs in forum. I have been experiencing a physical reaction to someone calling me by the long form of my name. I feel like I am being repeatedly slapped HARD across the face when I hear it. I have never liked to be called it and this has gone from just a "please don't call me that" to tensing up, closing my eyes holding my breath and freezing with panic and being unable to focus after.

I hate it. I have been advocating for myself by telling doctor offices etc that I have ptsd and that the name gives me a bad reaction. I remember that my mother would slap me like that until I had a bloody lip just for verbally defending myself and this makes me think that this reaction is rooted in a time before I decided I would rather be called the shorter version of my name.

I want this to stop. I want to change my first name to a short version of it legally once I start working somewhere. But that will be a while as I'm still in process with a disability office to find one. I feel if I don't have to hear it again the reaction will go away.

I want this reaction to stop. I want to not have to explain myself why I am closing my eyes and freezing. Its one of the behaviors I have that make me feel I have to tell that I have this. It can't be hidden. "Hi there I have ptsd ( bad childhood) please don't make me have trauma reactions" Ugh :banghead:
 
If you don’t want people to call you by your name (full version l) you are going to have to change your name. Because otherwise you are expecting everyone you come into contact with, who has legal documents, to be able to mind read that this is an issue for you. You can’t control other people’s behaviour, sometimes where I live I get called by the long version of my name as it is seen as impolite otherwise- especially when first meeting people. So they don’t mean to cause you to have this reaction, I could imagine they would feel awful if they knew it caused you distress. Maybe acknowledge that they don’t know, they have no idea the impact of your name, and perhaps you might feel a little better knowing it’s not purposeful
 
Yes I said I plan on changing it once I have a job. I do not have the money for it right now so I have to keep bringing it up. Doesn't feel like on purpose for most. It throws me off and screws with my concentration to get done what I went to see the person that did it for. I hate that after all of the progress I have had that there is this new behavior that became severe a year ago and is still here. I can't figure out what else will help me lessen the reaction other than a legal name change.
 
You could try exposure work. Try writing your name down, saying it out loud yourself, then asking someone you trust to call you your full name. Start with something small, like you writing/saying it. Then move on to something that provokes more anxiety once you have done each task. Just a thought.
 
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