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Relationship Baffled

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First I am a new member & I am very grateful I came across this site. It's extremely informative & everyone is very supportive!! My situation is similar to others I have read but the timeframe is shorter & I am hoping to get some clarity based on other's experiences. I met my vet online a year ago; we live in the same city. We talked for about two months, but we just couldn't seem to arrange a meeting. However, our conversations were amazing. We discovered we have so much in common & there was a strong intellectual & physical attraction. During our conversations, he told me about his combat injuries & that he has PTSD. He also told me he had a bitter divorce when he returned from his final deployment. Then, after about 2 months of texting nearly every day, he stopped contacting me. It hurt, but I assumed he had drifted off because we had not been able to get together so I moved on. Eight months later, he contacts me & says he's been thinking about me during that time & wanted to resume our friendship. We began texting & our chemistry was still intact as if no time had passed. We finally got together & spent 5 hours talking about everything under the sun. We also engaged in some light making out and altogether, it was a really great evening. When I left, he seemed very happy. After that, he texted me for the next three weeks, but his texts were different. No longer funny or flirty or intellectual, they were now either angry (not at me) or chaotic or just odd. Sometimes his texts would be chatty but aloof. Sometimes, it seemed as if he had been drinking. He did not suggest meeting again & kept saying how busy he was. He then told me he was planning to make me a present, he had ordered the materials for it, & he was waiting for them to arrive. A few days later, he sends me a little video he made about a project he was working on & ended it with a sexual innuendo. Then after a few more days of light, chatty texts, nothing. I haven't heard from him in about 2 weeks. I sent him a quick text to check in but he hasn't answered. He told me during our conversations that he wants to trust somebody and he feels a deep connection to me, but he also has also stated he is too damaged and 'too far gone' in his words. I don't know what to make of this. Is this PTSD-related isolation because he thinks I got too close? Or is he simply not interested in me after we met? If this is the case, why did he continue texting me for nearly a month afterward? If he is interested, why didn’t he initiate another meeting? Why would he get back in touch after 8 months, just to disappear again without a word in a few weeks? I am baffled. Any thoughts or insights will be most appreciated.
 
Do you know if he is in treatment for PTSD? It sounds from what your describe a man who is conflicted. He has gone through a divorce which surely has left heartache and doubts and anger about the relationship of what was and is no more. Then to tempted with the possibility of another relationship, which may scare the beejeebers out of him 'cause that demands commitment and he is in now mental shape to take that on. So he vacillates between all this. Then you throw in PTSD and his emotions are all over the place with contradictions, moments of clarity, then falls back into isolation and who-knows-what. He needs help, it sounds like, to deal with his PTSD. If he is not actively doing so perhaps you can suggest he find a trauma specialist to help him adjust back into civilian life. If you feel so strongly for him and feel safe in doing so, you can offer to be available for him as a support while he goes through counseling. Otherwise what you describe sounds very unstable and very unhealthy as a relationship goes. Glad you are here, though. This is a great place for support and encouragement.
 
It's entirely possible that's exactly what he's really believes. His take on things may not be accurate...
Thank you for your reply. Yes, I am certain he believes it. He once told me he's totally scary. I wasn't sure if he meant his combat experiences or his PTSD. I think he's got a lot of anger bottled up inside. He can be very charming, but I have also seen a sharp abruptness. I think this is why he seems to live in a sort of self imposed isolation.
 
Yep --- -find someone you like..get to close..push them away...regret it...go back...realize you are to damaged and will drag them down with you...push them away...regret it..and so on....

Sorry - no words on what to do with it. Just letting you know its pretty normal.
 
too far gone

I know that feeling very well! It's what I have always said and still say as I completely believe that.

I'm a sufferer by the way.

This, very much, sounds like PTSD push/pull to me. Super common. No one can answer all of the "why"s at the end but him. But I did this. Pull a guy very close, have a super sexual and emotionally charged intense connection then push him away to the point of hurting him, purposely, pretty badly to get him to go away because I wasn't good enough for him and to save him from the horrors of PTSD. It is not a fun or pretty disorder and it oozes onto people around you. I will say anything or just go radio silent just to save those I care about from that bad part of PTSD. And PTSD sneeks up on you and comes out of nowhere. Like you're walking along and BAM you fall into a hole. And so for a sufferer to go radio silent when that happens is totally common. Then when we dig ourselves out we may reach out to those we care about again, seemingly out of the blue to everyone else, as we still care about them, maybe love them, and want to be with them and have a conntection with them and compainship. We just want to save you from the really bad ugly parts of PTSD and save you from getting hurt by us unintenionally. Because PTSD hurts and oozes onto everyone around us.

Hope that makes sense. It's why I had to step out of the dating scene. It was super unhealthy and I was hurting people including myself. I hope he gets into treatment as it sounds like he maybe self medicating with alcohol and that's not good and untreated PTSD is way worse.
 
Do you know if he is in treatment for PTSD? It sounds from what your describe a man who is conf...
Thank you for your detailed response. I know he goes to the VA here a lot, but I think it is for his combat injuries. He still has a lot of physical problems -- back and knee issues. I am not sure about therapy, but I have a feeling he is not getting that kind of treatment. He is pretty hostile toward the VA -- it seems as if he's had some bad experiences there.

He's such a smart, funny, talented person, but I don't think he sees that about himself at all. I also know he's very bitter about his ex-wife. Apparently she left him for another man once she saw the extent of his physical and psychological problems after his final deployment, and I think that severely impaired his ability to trust anyone aside from the PTSD. I realize based on all of the input and posts I've read on this site that I cannot help him other than to remain a friend if he'll allow it. I will not cut him off if he contacts me again, but I will certainly protect my heart.
 
Yep --- -find someone you like..get to close..push them away...regret it...go back...realize you are to...
Thank you, Freida. I have read several of your posts on this site. They are very informative and descriptive and really help a non-sufferer like me to understand behavior that seems so bewildering. It gives me a needed perspective. Thanks again.
 
Hi @NeedingSolomon... I think the way he is treating you is wrong. You cant play with s...
Hello, Xena. Thank you for your comments. I do feel kind of used, but I have a better understanding about his behavior now thanks to everyone's input. I won't brush him off if I hear from him again because I do think he needs a friend and I appreciate all of his sacrifices. I also don't want to be another person who abandons him. But now that I know he'd probably disappear yet again, I will protect my heart the next time and not fall for him -- just remain friends if he'll allow it.
 
I know that feeling very well! It's what I have always said and still say as I completely be...
Thank you so much for your very descriptive and informative response. It was invaluable coming from a sufferer's point of view. I agree -- it appears to me that he vacillates between isolation and wanting to have someone in his life even in just a physical relationship with no emotional attachment, although it seems at times as if he wants that too. He is pretty hypersexual at times which I gather is a common characteristic as well. I do intend to remain his friend if he'll let me and I certainly won't brush him off if I hear from him again. But, I will be better prepared for him to ghost again and I won't take it personally. I will also protect my heart better than I have previously.
 
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