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Battle Between Healing and Suffering

Discussion in 'General' started by canucklady, Nov 7, 2007.

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  1. canucklady

    canucklady Active Member

    Every morning I get up thinking the same thing: Why do I even bother, no one would notice if I were gone.

    Sometimes it is just a few seconds and then I distract myself with forcing myself to get to work etc. Other times, I am paralyzed with fear, just wanting to stay in bed. Other times, I sit there staring at meds, other times I just cry.

    I wish one morning I could wake up looking forward to the day. :blub: Lately it is more and more, it is like part of me wants to heal and part of me is self-destructive, and this self-destructive part seems to be gainin strength
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  3. ovation228

    ovation228 Member

    I had that same thought: "no one would notice if I were gone." One day I acted upon that. When I woke up 2 days later in the hospital, I found that people noticed and cared. I let my depression get in the way of that. All the cognitive distortions added up until I believed that no one would care.

    I find myself still dealing with the healing vs. destructive regularly. It's painful to be torn so deeply. All I can do is try to strengthen the healing part of me. That is definitely easier said than done, but my survival hinges on reducing my self-destructive behaviors.

    I hope that you can find a way to look forward to the day. If you have to... start small... look forward to one little thing each day and go from there. That's what I'm doing. I look forward to playing with my 2 dogs when I get home from work.
  4. FlyLadyFan

    FlyLadyFan Member

    I found out that people would notice and care, but not enough to stop me from possibly harming myself. That was the biggest let-down of all, that people are too stuck in their own comfort zones to "risk" intervening on your behalf.

    And I've never made an idle threat in my life, and they all know it, yet they knowingly left me, repeatedly and continually, in the condition of having motive, means, and opportunity to bring an end to my pain. I continually cried out for help and I got .... zip.

    This list of people included those in professional positions requiring them to ACT on my behalf ... my pastor, my psychiatrist, my (now former) best friend since childhood who is a social worker, AND the staff at the ER where I tried to be admitted in order to take myself away from means and opportunity.

    And, I repeat, I am known for my honesty and sincerity and follow-through in all areas of my life. Yet these people did nothing. How's that for depressing?

    I live with this by attributing it to the sad state of the world I must live in and these people are just symptoms.

    The only person I have any expectations of anymore is God. Only He has kept me alive because I fear eternity in hell more than X years left of hell on earth.

    So I just put one foot in front of the other when I can while biding time awaiting a better place on His time schedule.


  5. Seeking_Nirvana

    Seeking_Nirvana I'm a VIP

    I used to think exactly like you do fly. After working on my healing for 3 years I no longer want to die. I don't have suicide thoughts anymore (They recently stopped about a month ago) I can't say life is grand, but I can actually feel something other than numb now.

    I never thought this could happen, but I guess I wanted it bad enough. Please don't give up on yourself yet.


    My mother committed suicide in jail. She told the police she was going to do it, they sent a social worker to talk to her and she told the social worker she was going to do it and no one cared and she hung herself in jail. Those people in jail didn't care, but all of her family and children cried for a long time.

    There is some one out there that loves you and doesn't want you to go. I don't know you, and I don't want you to leave like that.
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