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Before i forget... the trauma chronicles.. of narnia.

IthinkIcan

Learning
Okay, I'm trying it. I've always sucked at Journals or Diaries. I was a far better poem or story writer. I could never finish an entry. I guess I would start, and then just stop. It's been a long time since I took a crack at it, so.. Alright, let's just dive right in.

My birthday is coming up. Weeeeee, not really. I hate it. I wish birthdays didn't exist. I don't know why. I just do. I don't want anyone to look at me for longer than a second, I can't stand still in public. If I do, I feel like a creepy mannequin with a hollow inside that houses hot lava.

My face is so irritated and red. It feels raw, like I was out in the sun all day during the Summer.. (the Summers here are scorchin'!) So how do I act when my insides are bubbling and steaming? Like a twitchy little weirdo, and then it snowballs. I guess because I'm so used to letting my thoughts just zip by without being able to read them. Like I'm watching a movie with subtitles and it's on fast forward.

I get stuck a lot. When I'm at home I can stare off into the distance while my mind shows me too many movies on fast forward. I've become so accustomed to just letting them roll that I've created an avalanche inside of me that keeps going. Never slowing, growing as it goes.

I feel like I'm constantly right at the impact zone... Getting hammered by this monster avalanche.. Like now. Doesn't matter what I do because my body is too used to just letting it go on inside of me. My body can sustain itself on auto pilot while I'm hopelessly trying to stop the runaway train that is my thoughts. So I figured, "What the hell, let's start with this." I hope doing this will help me figure out how to take control of it instead of it taking control of me.

Fingers crossed,
I think I can.
 
February 20, 2018..

I went through the waredrobe unprepared for the harsh winter frost. That is to say, I think I started therapy at a bad time. I went to one visit with the trauma specialist.. And I'm moving in 4 days and skipped an appointment. I plan to start once I move. My mother and I are on talking terms again.. She finally realizes that my brother is a lost cause. She finally realizes that I cannot be around him, I cannot be near him. And I will not go near my parents until my brother is out of the picture. I have set my boundaries.

Day 6 or 7.. Or a million off of Zoloft. I can't pick my meds up because I got pulled over a couple of weeks ago and the cop took my suspended license. That in itself was a very new experience for me.

I am counting down the days and seconds until I can be with my daughter and fiance again. It's been a nightmare without them.. And I'm no stranger to nightmares. I guess what I'm trying to say in not so many words is.. I took 1 step forward and 1938 backwards... But I'm ready for another step. I just want another step..
 
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