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Being aware of your filter

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I have a huge disconnect when it comes to how I think other people perceive me.
I feel like they understand the things I understand.

Because of past emotional abuse and such a strict mom with her own trauma, this is the filter, or the disconnect, that I have:
I understand that when I do something wrong, I'm automatically at fault.
I understand that I know medicare, medicaid, jobs, Food Stamps, etc. Other Help exists, but I haven't earned it, and therefor I can't have it.
I understand that if I fail, I am the only one to blame.
I understand that I fail all the time.

Now, none of these are true, and they are irrational.

But I assume people look at me like that. I still feel like that a lot of the time. And today I realized that it affects me a lot more than I thought it did.
I blew up my Facebook after a controversial image that keeps going around that I guess you could say triggered me, heh. A girl I went to school with messaged me and told me not to air my dirty laundry on Facebook, etc.
The conversation got semi-productive, she was helpful to a point, asking about insurance and options for that... and then I realized that my filter was on. My filter was on high blast too. I automatically believed that she didn't want to help, and she was not on my side. Because those are the responses I've built as a pattern after the experiences I've had.

When someone offers help, to me, I feel like it's not genuine and they truly feel like I'm at fault anyways, and therefor shouldn't be helped, and I'm entitled for asking in the first place. It's a paradoxical thing and it's annoying to deal with.
I've lived a life where when I'd go to therapy, I'd expect help, and I'd feel persecuted instead. The therapist would focus on me and how I should do better. They didn't take the time to at least address what was unhealthy about the patterns that my parents were building (at least while I was there).
I think it constantly built this pattern of when someone says they are helping, I feel like they are not. Because what I saw as a kid... was the finger was pointed at me, and refusal to acknowledge that anything my parents did could be to blame. Not absolving blame for me, or ignoring my faults, just share the blame because it's a two way street.

And now when I'm offered genuine help, I feel like a finger is being pointed at me instead. And I feel like even though today was very messy for me, it was a learning moment. I still came out of it okay, and I've taken a few points on how I can do better next time.
I learned that I need to take freaking step back sometimes and realize that people do care and want to help, even though I feel like they don't.
 
I am very aware of filters.... it has helped me to knock down walls, listen to what is being SAID, not always what I hear. It has helped me to see why some things were hard for me to 'get'... why some abuse I allowed, some I did not.

You being aware of the filter is going to help you more than you know.. stay on the track you are on... take things apart... see if it's true.... the more you learn when your filter is up,the sooner you break it down and things get thru faster and you make more long lasting progress.... fascinating subject to me... filters... thanks for sharing this!!
 
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