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Sufferer Belated intro, improved symptoms, Covid lockdowns stirring things up

Thread starter #1
I lurked and read here for quite a while as I took various stabs at addressing my crap, and y'all helped immensely. I have managed to get to where most of the time I don't meet criteria anymore and I feel like I am living a real life more often than not.

Since I have chimed in and gotten long winded I figure an intro was in order. Especially since the COVID lockdowns are stirring some things up, as they are for some others around here.

My crap is non-military & non-sexual. I'm told by the person who dx'd me that "neglect", "family member's substance use" and then something-something "betrayal by caregivers" "abandonment" and personally experiencing what she termed "violent" and "immediately physically threatening" incidents. I literally could not leave the situation & there was no way to know how long this would be. She says those are both probably factors for why this has the impact it does on me. I personally can say they were crappy years but my skin crawls if I start thinking "I experienced neglect," etc. Much less saying that out loud, ffs.

This is as specific as I can get without falling down a "hole" or risking doxxing myself if this was read by anyone I know offline.

My crap events happened over the course of 3-5 years (my memory from the time is really spotty partly because of the ongoing nature of it) in the mid-90's. When the active portion ended I lived in same situation for 2 more years, having no idea how affected I was. I just assumed I was a f*ckup as predicted.

Then when I was 20, I moved out and have lived with Spouse since then, got degrees, launched a career, all that jazz. For most of that time I still had and realized I was having stupid reactions to things, nightmares, was secretive, numb, and rigid a lot of the time. Just tried ignoring it. I imagine living with me was no picnic and I sometimes look back & am shocked Spouse bothered to put up with me. To say I had "trust and control issues" is putting it mildly (I was very closed off and inflexible, not control as on telling him what he can/can't do).

Then I hit a wall with work & coursework when both involved constant reminders, which f*cked me up enough to consult a therapist I had seen during the crap years for a one-off & she determined it was PTSD and recommended counseling. When I made the one-off appointment I had planned to march in, get objective "that was messed up" or "no, you're just a baby" and was shocked that she was "shocked and saddened" and took all this so seriously. And with no hemming and hawing to force it to fit the dx.

I went one other time and chickened out. Spewed a lot of thoughts in a small, closed online community & eventually talked with a very few offline loved ones. Did a LOT of cycles of ignoring, then "dammit I'm going to fix this" and then ignoring. When I get ballsy I have some books I work through in small doses.

And things have vastly improved. But sometime there are reminders and I get thrown off or stuck ruminating. This place has been a great reality check. Damn, this got long too so I'll shut up, but I am glad this place exists and y'all are great.
 
Thread starter #3
Ah hell, I have to clarify or I will end up deleting my first post. Not on purpose neglect and almost never physical no resources neglect.
We had food, clothes, school, and most of the other markers of normal at home.

Just the kind where you end up being responsible for stuff and getting praise for being so mature. But you get there because the adults have other things going on and you just end up doing this to fill in. And maybe you really were not that mature or prepared for it but nobody got hurt on my watch so i guess it was a success? I was the older kid.

I have a friend who has a healthy-style very mature grandkid who jokes (about himself) that he's self-raising. It really upset me the first few times I heard that one until she explained how very well looked after he is & how it's not because he has to.


The abandonment part was much more clear-cut but I also feel like I should explain I was eventually brought back in. I just ended up expecting that to change at a moment's notice so I quit bothering to get comfortable or attached. Fool me once, shame on you & all that. That makes friendships and marriage just super easy, let me tell you.
 
#4
Hey, congrats on the improved symptoms and glad you are here. No need to downplay your trauma. Emotional neglect alone can be severe enough to cause death even if all physical needs are met - it's really rare, but that is just to show how powerful neglect can be on kids. Even if it was "lighter" neglect... you have ben through hell and back and it clearly gummed things up as an adult. Pain is pain. You have done good work. Stick to the pro's opinions and keep up the good work to keep recovering.
 
#5
I can really relate to the expecting change and giving up on getting "comfortable or attached".

Reeeeeaaaaallly relate. And the having to be mature and responsible too early.

Glad you find the site helpful. It's good to have you aboard, although sucky that you need it.

Welcome @kkd:-) I look forward to reading more of your posts.
 
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