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Betrayed by my sister

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imdoneone

Policy Enforcement
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I have these memories in my mind. My sister sexually abused me when were children. She was 7. I was 4. It ended when I was 7 or 8 and she was 11 or 12. I was in her room playing with toys. Now, all of a sudden, she touched me and I had to touch her. It happens once a week for years. She told me not to tell because of her own abuse. I was afraid to say anything to my mom, knowing our dad wasn't there. I kept saying to myself that I was my fault that she did this when it really wasn't. I have this awful feeling that is making sick to my stomach and I hate it. I feel that my sister who I trusted and want to protect me becomes someone whom I need to be the one that needs to be protected from. I fear and despise her. She's not my sister and a stranger in my book.
 
#2
I have these memories in my mind. My sister sexually abused me when were children. She was 7. I was 4. It ended when I was 7 or 8 and she was 11 or 12. I was in her room playing with toys. Now, all of a sudden, she touched me and I had to touch her. It happens once a week for years. She told me not to tell because of her own abuse. I was afraid to say anything to my mom, knowing our dad wasn't there. I kept saying to myself that I was my fault that she did this when it really wasn't. I have this awful feeling that is making sick to my stomach and I hate it. I feel that my sister who I trusted and want to protect me becomes someone whom I need to be the one that needs to be protected from. I fear and despise her. She's not my sister and a stranger in my book.
At 7, she was shown how to fondle-and it felt good-.....by an adult who shouldn't have done that (the abuse you mentioned)-and she repeated the cycle? Do I understand this correctly?

I don't know the details, but predators teach kids that it feels good and is a special game and keep it a secret..... then I think often that's how incest starts in families.

My daughter at 4 y/o, played with her genitals (boys do too), particularly during bath time. Until someone scold a kid for masturbating, they really don't know it's wrong-it's not lying or stealing (one of those big deal things parents punish for) and it just plain feels good-so its reinforcing. Masturbation isn't wrong....it is natural...until someone is given instructions to do it to an adult or is taught to touch themselves as preening for bigger abuse......intercourse........and told not to tell....it all starts with touching......th Sexual abuse starts with touching. Then...the secret part....makes it kinda a special.....and the child got special attention from a grown up.

Have you talked to your sister about this more recently as adults....? Why are you afraid of her now? .I don't know your sister.....but I'd be willing to guess there is a part of her that feels as bad about this as you do.....it might be healthy to direct some of your anger at the adult person who abused her, which negatively changed your sister from the caring person to the sharing too much sister.....because up to that point in time....she was a big sister you loved and you looked up to.
 
#4
I did talk to her but she acted funny.
You and your sister have more in common than you know.....you were both hurt by a trusted family member at a very young age....and by being born first...... she was abused first....and for years..........it changed both of you forever............and if someone asked you about some pretty heavy sex stuff that started at age 7...........how do you think you might react? You can figure she is hurting, too-and this is very tough stuff to talk about. You are brave to deal with it....and talking about it helps reduce the size of the white elephant in the rooom when you are together. You are an adult....you set your boundaries, and can choose what is comfortable with respect to a relationship with her....and it doesn't have to be ugly or blaming.....direct your anger at the source......I'm so very sorry that you don't have a big sister whom you feel you can trust....I know that hurts.
 
#6
Sure, I forgive her but I don't think she can be trusted with her daughters or any child ever again.
Are you truly concerned for the childrens safety or are they scapegoats to get the justice you want?

If you are truly concerned, then by all means- report. Just be prepared to discuss your abuse, any current suspicions with her kids (proof also if you have any), and be okay with her being jailed and kids future up in the air or her not being jailed and keeping kids and etc. I detailed a lot of it in your previous post.

If you are not really that concerned but want to use them as tools to report and get justice- please don’t. If they are taken from her, they will either go to family members (hopefully that’s a good thing) or placed in foster care where they will likely be split up and have a really, really high chance of being abused.

Just before you do anything, really sit down and determine your motivations and write down (and report) any activity your sister has done that suggests abuse to her kids.
 
#8
If you know or suspect children are being abused, then you need to report it to ensure their safety.

However, like @Annalyn78 said: do you know? (have they told you? Have you seen signs? Do you recognise patterns of behaviour?)

Or:
do you think because she abused you when she was a young child that she is going to abuse (her) children as an adult? Because one doesn't mean the other. And be careful with this. You got to ask yourself some challenging questions here. Are you in therapy as that might be a good place to explore it?

I reported my sister, her husband, and their children to child protection services (not police). Not because of sexual abuse. But of drug use, alcohol problems, and neglect. Which I knew was happening as I saw it, and my sister's friends were telling me what was happening. The child protection services did nothing at all the first time I phoned. The second time, they investigated by talking to my sister and her husband and the kids and the school - no drugs tests, no unannounced visits, no real exploration. And they just accepted their account and dismissed mine , and did nothing again. And then finally, they intervened when the police got involved removed my brother in law from the house, and child protection made sure my sister knew if he returned: kids will be removed from her. My sister now knows it was me who phoned them, as do the children. It's not always been easy (some of the children are angry with me that I phoned, as is my sister, and others are happy I did and were wondering and angry about why no one stepped in earlier).

Only you know what you should do as only you know your situation.

It's not easy either way.
But: children need to be safe. I do not at all regret what I did, because their safety is far more important than my relationship with my family (all of which has been impacted as everyone, my parents , my sister, blamed me). However, I knew for certain that this was happening.

So, you need to ask yourself what it is you know versus what it is you are worried about and potentially projecting? Difficult thing to work out.
 

imdoneone

Policy Enforcement
Thread starter #9
I fear that she might abuse children again as an adult. Guess what, I now want to adopt my nieces from this sicko because she's starting to making my skin crawl.
 
#10
Hey, welcome to the forum:)

I don't know if you've covered this in a different thread, but is there something that is happening, or recently happened, in your life that has triggered this rage you're feeling for your sister now?

Sometimes these things just become relevant spontaneously. Other times there's something else going on in our life that's stressful, and all sorts of stuff can jump on the stress train...?
 
#12
If you are truly dead set on this, I would first secure a therapist and then go to the police. They will want to do several interviews with you, her, other family, they’ll want any proof you have. After reporting to police you would then go to the court house and file for custody, there’s a nominal fee, and again you will have forms to fill out detailing all the why’s. After that, court dates will be set and you will both see a judge and go from there.
 
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