Relationship Betrayed by my sufferer husband

This will be a long one but I’m hoping someone might be able to relate and perhaps help me figure out what I’m doing.
My husband suffers from CPTSD. We were together for around 9 years.
A year ago I found out he had been messaging another woman. Telling her he loved her etc. He insists it was never physical as she had moved away shortly after he met her through his work. But, to me, it didn’t matter. He betrayed me. It had been going on for months and I had questioned him about it as I had suspicions and he had denied it. He would stay up late as night messaging this other woman while I slept next to him. If it was a one-off drunken mistake etc I think I could understand that more.
When I found out we both agreed our relationship was over. Due to Covid lockdowns etc moving out was not really an option at that point so we agreed to remain living together in separate rooms as friends.
Fast forward a few months and he had a bad symptomatic period. Self-harming, suicidal thoughts. I instantly fell back into the carer giver role. Once he began to come out of this particularly bad period he began to say he had made a mistake and loved me and wanted me. That his actions where due to his illness. But I don’t believe that. It may have played a part but he still knows what is right and wrong.
I couldn’t get past the betrayal. I had dedicated my life to caring for him. I had allowed our relationship to become dysfunctional and with no intimacy which I know was wrong and led to issues. But, I still feel like I deserved more. More respect and loyalty for the sacrifices I had made.
I told him I didn’t think I could get past it as I felt too much pain and anger still for his actions.
He is now angry that I have been unwilling to give him another chance and claims I have been stringing him along. But I know for the entire period we have been separated he has been messaging numerous other women and recently started a sexual relationship with one. But, still says I should have fought more for our relationship. Despite the fact, he has made no effort to change his behaviour towards me.

I had no romantic exchanges for the year we have been separated and only recently began to consider dating again after being contacted by an old friend who has asked to take me out. This person has shown me more understanding and affection than I have received in years.
We are now in a horrible place as my mental health has suffered, I am emotionally numb and unable to connect. He has suggested moving out and in some ways, I think it would be the best thing but I have major concerns about him looking after himself. And I have tremendous guilt as I am the provider and I don't know if he will be able to manage on his own. He says I am keeping him trapped but I am only trying to help him. Or so I believes perhaps I am.
I guess I am just looking for advice if anyone has experienced something similar. Or how to deal with a marriage ending. I don’t have many friends and no one else I can really talk to about this.

I’m currently looking for a counsellor to work through my own issues.

If you’ve got this far thank you for reading my desperate ramblings. I don’t even know if this makes sense but I needed to get these thoughts out.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Well done for being clear about your needs in a relationship and having boundaires.
There are more boundaires to keep, like: if you have separated, it is him and only him who makes sure he can survive on his own. You now only need to make sure you survive on your own.
Whilst that might sound harsh, because of course you want to make sure he is ok because you care, but it isn't something you can fix.
So, sounds like one of you needs to move out, or you both do to new places.
Some people do manage being friends and live together for a long time after, but sounds like you have tried that and it isn't working for you?

Can you let go the worry about him and let him find his own way and you find yours?
 
Well done for being clear about your needs in a relationship and having boundaires.
There are more boundaires to keep, like: if you have separated, it is him and only him who makes sure he can survive on his own. You now only need to make sure you survive on your own.
Whilst that might sound harsh, because of course you want to make sure he is ok because you care, but it isn't something you can fix.
So, sounds like one of you needs to move out, or you both do to new places.
Some people do manage being friends and live together for a long time after, but sounds like you have tried that and it isn't working for you?

Can you let go the worry about him and let him find his own way and you find yours?
Thank you for responding. That's the place I need to get to. Being able to let go of the worry and allow him to stand on his own two feet. It just seems I am unable to get to that point. I think I need to work on my own issues to allow me to process things fully.
 

Friday

Moderator
That his actions where due to his illness. But I don’t believe that. It may have played a part but he still knows what is right and wrong.
One of my fave quotes of all time “He has PTSD. Not an alien brain sucker!”

Yep. He made his choices. He could have chosen any number of other ways to distract himself and feel better (unhealthy like getting drunk/high, gambling, beating people up, thrill seeking, etc… or healthy, like exercise, adventure, school, rebuilding an engine, arts, fishing, whalever.).

That he doesn’t like the consequences of his choices? Doesn’t negate the fact that he’s a grown ass man who made choices that hurt those who love him, and ended his marriage. That’s on him. That’s not you, or PTSD, or an alien brain sucker.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
If he’s adult enough to go out and womanize, he’s adult enough to care for himself. You don’t have to be a martyr just because he has PTSD. It’s too hard to be a supporter, don’t be one stuck in a horrible marriage from guilt. You’re not his mother, you’re the wife he cheated on.

Let one of his little girlfriends look after him.

Go and date the nice guy and enjoy some attention and affection for a change. You deserve it.
 
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