Better left unsaid?

[Sandstone]

I'm worried about something I said to T, that was critical of her.

I've had an emotional and terrifying week, and she was very good about that. I emailed her during the week, which I have never done before, and she replied twice, very supportively. I have .never before understood why anyone would consider contacting a T between sessions.

This was all around an issue she has told me she also experienced. Then she asked me a question that showed she had forgotten something relevant that I know I've already explained at least twice. She has admitted before that her memory isn't the best, and I know that there is a huge amount of relevant detail from my strange childhood, multiple traumas and some pretty bad therapy.

I said "I do worry that you mix me up with yourself, and only hear the bits that are the same. I think you'll find you remember this when I tell you". Now this wasn't a new thought for me, but I had been working round it. Having had a series of good and bad therapists I can recognise that she is good, though not perfect. I'm sure she won't consciously let this interfere, but I worry that such direct criticism will intrude.

 

[Kubash16]

Therapists are built to handle criticism constructively, and that’s hardly the worst things she’s heard. Trust me, lol personal experience saying lots of mean things.

I don’t expect my T to remember everything, they usually have multiple clients and quite a few work multiple jobs. Anyone with a busy life is bound to forget things.

But, if I were you I would definitely have a conversation about her mixing herself up with you. That hints at counter transference which is usually okay, but if it’s hindering your therapy is an issue that should be discussed.

 

[Sandstone]

It just feels as though I've simultaneously criticised her on a personal and professional level. I seem to be saying all sorts of things that would be better kept inside at the moment. I'm usually quite self controlled, but things are falling out of my brain through my mouth.

 

[Kubash16]

So therapy is the place to do exactly that. You are safe. She isn’t going to be mad, she may want to talk to you about it, but however it turns out, it’s okay. You did absolutely nothing wrong.

 

[susannahsays]

I won't lie and say that because she's a therapist, your criticism won't affect her on an emotional level - which I deduce is what you're worried about. It may even hurt her feelings, especially since it sounds like she's bringing something personal into the mix. BUT that does not mean you did something wrong or that you shouldn't have brought your concerns to her attention. In therapy, it is the therapist's responsibility to manage her emotions, not the client's. I don't agree with some people that this means verbal abuse or demeaning the therapist is ok, but the sort of criticism you expressed is absolutely on the table and highly relevant to therapy. If what you suspect is true, your treatment will be much less effective than if your therapist properly differentiates your experience from hers.

I agree with Kubash that it sounds like this is a countertransference and/or projection issue. If she receives supervision, hopefully she can get some guidance or feedback there.

 

[Sandstone]

If she receives supervision, hopefully she can get some guidance or feedback there.

Yes, she does have supervision. I've met her supervisor several times, and I'm sure he would pick up on this if she was showing signs of it. Which makes me worry that I should have left it all to him. I have wondered about contacting him, but there are two much bigger and more important things going on now, and I don't want to enlarge this necessarily.

I know that in the past I've used disapproval of the way T's work to hold me back. I'm determined not to do that this time, but I can see that my comment could easily look like that. I'm fairly confident it was only about wanting to ensure she saw things straight on, and didn't miss a whole area of difficulty for me. I wonder if I could have put it better, and yes I worry about hurt feelings on her side getting in my way.

 

[Friday]

I'm sure she won't consciously let this interfere, but I worry that such direct criticism will intrude.

It very well may... but in a completely different way than you’re afraid of. Because if she’s really good that will make the differences stand out, if you’re correct, and she’s gliding over unfamiliar territory to the familiar. And if you’re incorrect? Say, she’s perfectly aware of the differences, but has been deliberately going after the common ground? It gives her the go ahead to also talk about/explore the differences, even though they’re outside the realm of her personal experience. As just 2 possible different outcomes than what you fear, from a small handful of them.

Correct or incorrect? Whether she handles it stellar, struggles, or flounders? Isn’t something you can really predict. Fear/expect? Certainly. You’re already doing that.

My suggestion is to let it play out...

If she’s struggling she can take it to her supervisor for advice.
If she flounders you can take it to her supervisor for advice.

...but in the meantime, rather than jumping to conclusions about how she will respond, and taking actions based on an assumption? Allow her the opportunity to respond in different ways than you fear.

You brought something to the table.
The ball is in her court, now.
If you don’t grab the ball away from her, and run with it, afraid of what she might do.

 

[Justmehere]

You hired her to help you, and knowing what you are noticing will help her help you better.