Sufferer Beyond Hope

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cakes

New Here
Well, this won't be a good intro - it took a long time to get registered and now Xanax has kicked in.

I have been dealing with this for ever-worsening degrees for 10 years.

I keep getting re-traumatized. (details later) and losing more and more people until there are none.

So the first thing I want to ask is how do I get treatment, assumming I could even find a good Doc, when I can't leave the dang house?

And yes I can force myself to sometimes - groceries and medicine. But keeping appoitments? No way.

My sleep schedule is beyond my control and since my sleep is heavily drugged I can't physically force myelf up for anything if say, my appointment is a noon but I didn't fall asleep until 6:AM - or even 4:AM.

I generally sleep 12 hours when I finally do get to.

My mother used to help sometimes - come and rouse me and ply me with coffee and then she drove which took away the getting myself out by myself component.

Anyway I' not good at explaining things - especially symptoms. I can only use examples.

But the bottom line is I have reached the ultimate stage here.

Internet said if I will only venture out for food and medicine I need IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION.

Yeah well I knew that.

But partially they mean drugs and I can't take any sort of anti-depressant.

I can't function inside either - my apt. is a trash can. It's gross.

Here's an example: my fridge is out. I have the money to buy a new one. But I haven't measured it, chosen one, purchased it, and figured out how to get this crap out of their way to get it in.

I could just toss it aside - I mean, it's a mess anyway, but then there are all these complications.

When they switch it out, one wants to clean underneath first. IDK how to hop in there and get that done.

And why I understand why there is no flooring in the kitchen (concrete) IDK why there isn't under the fridge but my Aunt says I need flooring at least under there before installing new fridge but she changed her mind about coming to help with that.

So I just keep going without. The freezer works so I am now waiting on milk to unfreeze so I can then drink it.

And I'm spending too much on fast food in the meantime but IDK what the fart to do!

I can do dishes. I can gather and take out trash. I can take a bath, but honestly I don't often. I quickly shower the main areas and that satisfies me. (gross I know - sorry). I used to shower and wash hair in the AM and bathe and shave legs before bed. Everyday.

If you told me years ago I'd not have washed my hair in a week I'd have laughed and laughed - totally unthinkable.

Paranoid of cavities and just liking a clean mouth I am battling brushing my teeth twice a day! Usually I don't.

Maybe once and then later on just mouthwash before bed.

My once perfect teeth have tartar and calculus but I can't go to the Dentist. I need that stuff scraped off and I surely have cavities now and I can't do all that.

I can't even get to pdoc appts. I can't make them. When I get panicked about running out of meds and I have a 'decent' day I call to see does a NP have a cancellation i can take? and I rush in and get that over with and back to my cave.

I think I need intensive program like what alcoholics do - I think they need for different reasons but I need to learn how to FUNCTION again.

I am not going to regular hospital. Been there done that. There is no real therapy.

They'd make me get up and follow a schedule for two weeks but it won't be enough. and I've done the 6 weeks day program after too - no help.

And it was all very expensive. I don't have that kind of money, so I guess dream of the kind of program I need is even more unrealistic.

I need family to live with who will help me learn to function again but there is no one. They are sick sick sick of me.

And they are out of time, money and energy for me.

So IDK why I am writing. None of the suggestions I've seen people give others on these forums are going to help.

I am in way way too deep.

The only person I ever 'knew' like this didn't have PTSD but his clinical depression made him like me.

He never left the house and didn't take care of the house or himself.

Family dropped off food on his porch. (I wish mine would do that!)

His son told me he eventually got better but IDK how.

I've given up. I don't LIKE being this way but it's easier - excpet when something like this fridge problem comes up.

Then I realize I have to reach at least a slightly higher level of functioning. But IDK how.

I am in a vacuum. I'm just here all alone. My Aunt doesn't understand MI s she is like 'well if this is how you want to live then ok'.

My Dad doesn't understand and doesn't have the means to help anyway.

So IDK. I wish to die a lot but I'm a coward.

Please excuse typos. It's due to a messed up computer I can't afford to replace. Well, I could but what little I have saved is for things like home and car repairs.

I tried buying a cheap chromebook but that was a mistake. It's too small and other issues - no good to me.

How am I supposed to return it though? I will have terrible time getting to store or UPS or however I'm supposed to mail it.

I just realized I wasn't supposed to write all this in my intro............sigh.

It belongs in a new thread.

*gah*
 

angrypanda

Confident
Sounds like you've reached crisis level for sure. Completely nonfunctional. I know you know that and I would gladly knock on your door, drag you to the dr and help you install a new fridge. But, it sounds like most of this is up to you. I can think of lots of advice and tips but the bottom line is you need to see a dr asap and be 100% honest. You also need to be open to treatment. Inpatient, outpatient, medication changes, community help. I know that sounds impossible, but it's your way out.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"

welcome! Please stay, please keep writing, we hear you here. Hugs
 

LuckyDuck

MyPTSD Pro
Hello, cakes. Hopefully the Xanax has helped a bit. I'm replying with a little bit of my story. I hope it provides some comfort and lets you know you're not alone.

I was at where you are at. The police came in once at my apartment and saw the mess. At that point I broke down. I'd had enough. I was told by a recovering drug addict that they would have had cabin fever way before I did. I was only going out for groceries too.

As far as I can tell it's a performance issue. I only identified it once one medication. Going out was too much. Just stepping outside of my apartment had my heart rate go up. I traced it back to my upbringing. Specifically, religion. I was raised Jehovah's Witness. Basically, anything I did, I didn't come first. It was always someone else. If I performed badly (and I was a kid, I wasn't performing badly, just in the views of the "Thought Police" that was my upbringing) there would be consequences.

It attached itself to everything I did. This fear that kept me locked in place. I didn't want to perform badly so why perform at all? It was hell to perform like normal people of society. It was too painful. My mind kept on giving me negative intrusive thoughts that just spiraled and snowballed. If my place looked like crap, I felt like crap, thought bad things of myself without wanting to but not being able to stop it.

I finally got therapy a few months ago. And it's only been two weeks I've been on a medication to help with the anxiety. So about 4 months of talking and opening up with a therapist, seeing certain positive aspects of myself and going with that. And then the anxiety came to the forefront and I started to understand that it was overpowering, that I needed assistance through medication. It was desperation. I wasn't willing to take meds for years. I had detoxed myself off of medications 5 years prior. The medications weren't for me, and if I hadn't, I probably would still be in the same situation as you as it was another mind lock. I made the decision to try another medication to see if it would help me clear my head of the negative intrusive thoughts that had taken over my life.

Things aren't perfect now, but they're better. I was able to identify on my own why it is I was this way. The underlying issue for you might not be the same, but hopefully something in here was able to clear a cobweb or two. Nowadays my place isn't total shit. I have help for my place. It cost me 400 bucks to get a professional cleaner (guys throwing out lots of junk though my window into an open dump truck) and it was painful to do. That was 4 years ago. It doesn't hurt anymore.

I don't want you to feel alone. You're not. The internet is your first tool to get the help you need. It took strength and courage to write this. I want you to know that.

LD
 

Justmehere

Sponsor
Hi Cakes!
You are doing something different and new by posting - and that's a very cool thing. You even did it when you felt really anxious about it. That's how things change. Not posting per se, but figuring out how to navigate the pain and emotions that come up with reaching out and doing something different, and doing it again and again.
So the first thing I want to ask is how do I get treatment, assumming I could even find a good Doc, when I can't leave the dang house?
There are therapists in some cities who meet people in their homes, especially if the problem is leaving the home. It may take some calling around to find one, but they are out there. Another option is online therapy.
How am I supposed to return it though? I will have terrible time getting to store or UPS or however I'm supposed to mail it.
UPS can do pick up service where they come to your home and pick up the package to return it.Often, if it is a warranty return, they will even do it for free. I don't drive and I find this to be so helpful...

But I know that sending off packages is not really the problem, but a symptom of the bigger problem. You are not alone in this battle at all. It may feel really overwhelming right now, but take it all one step at a time, even small steps. I agree with the advice to go to a doc, and be really honest about how much you need things to change, and most of all, to get a therapist who can support you on the journey.
I just realized I wasn't supposed to write all this in my intro............sigh.
Nah, it was great info to include in your intro.

Welcome to the forums!
 

UnKnown-Self

MyPTSD Pro
Hi Cakes,

Welcome to the forum. :-)

l agree with @Justmehere posting is a good positive step.
I have shared the same kind of mind set you describe. I call it down in the rabbit hole. I've been there a lot lately just not as deep as you describe but it's a slippery slope and the process of giving up is such an energy drain.

You have joined this forum and started writing about "it." :happy:

Navigate a bit around this forum. Learning resources are here along with support. Take what fits and leave the rest.

Then write about it some more. This forum is always here.

All the answers aren't here but there are enough caring people who will answer you honestly. Different opinions and perspectives help too.

What I do know for sure is you have to start caring about you.

I look forward to seeing you around the board.

Alice
 

cakes

New Here
Do I make a new thread to talk about what is going on? All I like to do is sleep. I actually get mad when I wake up. When I can go back to sleep I'm like YAY! When I can tell there is no going back to sleep I get mad. It wasn't this bad when my mother was alive. She died recently which has taken my depression to a whole other level.

I am mad that the dog wants out to pee. I just woke up. It's cold and wet outside. I am not mad at the DOG, of course, I LOVE the dog. And I will go out in the cold and wet - the point is I'm mad at every action I have to take.

I get a little mad if I want water and have to get up to fill a glass, so yeah cold and wet I don't like.

Not to mention putting on clothes and shoes - that simple thing seems like huge effort it's crazy.
 

cakes

New Here
Hi Cakes!
You are doing something different and new by posting - and that's a very cool thing. You e...
I don't think UPS can pick up in this case. I have to pay for postage. I HAVE to find a way to return. I am not in a position to throw away $139!
 

intothelight

Sponsor
@cakes Welcome to the forum!

There are times when just opening your eyes takes monumental effort, let alone getting out of the bed. Thing is though, getting better at this point is fixing a meal and maybe the next day fixing a meal and taking a shower. One step at a time and adding one or two things each day. Getting help will make it easier and it does get better even when it feels like it won't. Keep posting and reaching out as you are able.
 

Chava

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome! I hear your resistance and relate to suffering feeling easier, though also hopeless. Can you look for one sliver of where you might be willing to make a change? It sounds like you have a lot going on and many things you are unhappy about or feel like you cannot change.

Can you research trauma therapists in your area and call or e-mail one and perhaps first do an interview via phone (that's how I started with my current therapist)?

I don't know what kinds of meds you have tried. The whole SSRI/SNRI group worked not at all for me, though some alternatives have been more helpful, getting away from the traditional meds. Movement helps too, though sometimes hard to focus and just do something.

Glad you reached out here and hope the forum feels like a helpful place for you. I don't have family either, though I'm quite happy with that!
 
@cakes, I feel you. I promise your not alone. There is nothing edible in my refrigerator, showering is near impossible, my house has been so bad I've feared being evicted, and a lot of the time I have to get my groceries delivered. But, I manage to truck it to work everyday, and everyone tells me how strong and functional I am, which is hilarious. Welcome to the forum; you are amongst good company I think.

@LuckyDuck - I was raised JW too. That can be PTSD inducing all in itself ;)
 
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