Binge Drinking and Eating

hithere

MyPTSD Pro
I wasnt sure which forum to put this in, but I didn't realize how much I was depressed. I have been able to talk myself into being in a good mood. I did not entirely quit my job and I suddenly got slammed with rclients new and old. My pride got the best of me and instead of saying, "no, I can't assist you," and letting my pride not want to see my competitors or friends inthe business get these clients, I took them on. It's the holidays. I did this last year too and did not celebrate the holidays to well.

So I've been working literally 24/7 because itfeels liike I work in my sleep, which I'm sure I do. My brain won't shut off the problem solving while I sleep. I reconnected with a friend from long ago and we spent a half day together messing around and it was really fun. So I din't hink I was depressed to badly.

While driving obsessive intrusive thoughts come in, I get weepy, I cry, I do my worrying over my daughter who is now estranged from me and her siblings. We think she has schizophrenia with paranoia but of course we don't know. We feel sorry for her husband who used to be very involved in our lives but she has him on complete lock down, too. His family also was cut off, and he was very, very close his parents and sister. They are bewildered and angry. I have anger come up, then I realize she is suffering and this is not a punishment of me or her brother and sister or dad or cousins. etc. It 's the disease that we all saw brewing since she was teen. The death of granmother and the stress of that threw her into this episode. It's hard. It's hard to watch your child suffer. It's hard to not be able to just see your child or hear their voice.

I also had a bit of a falling out with my new therapist and I think, "shit, I really am so f*cked up I can't get along with any therapist. No wonder my daughter is sick and cut me off" I told my therapist I can't have him making jokes or making light of my religion and my beliefs because it is the only thing at times that keeps me afloat. As soon as I said it, he got all stiff in his seat and pulled back and kind of hugged himself in a protective way, and looked surprised and that worried look that says "uh oh, this old woman is really f'd up" He then twisted his comments about my relition and said he is just asking for information. Which is total bullshit. He literally made jokes each time I brought up my religion and desire to be guided and led by higher power. He even said things like, "that's impossible there's no way to know," I have been thinking why on earth would I go to a therapist who doesn't believe in God? My issue is that he denised the things he said and his laughter is dismissive, and that I don't undertand him. This is total bullshit. I won't be gas-lighted again. I just went through that for three f*cking years. Why can't a threapist just say, "Im sorry. I can see how that might not be helpful. I'll try to be more respectful so we can work together." He even said something like "I especially want to make note of beliefs you have that are harmful to you." So believing in a loving god that cares for me and will lead me out of shit is harmful to me, I guess. He had literally laughed at me when I told him I'm believing God to guide me, and I'm struggling with my faith as a result of the last therapist. I'm not making this up, he smiled and laughed about it and made a comment that it doesn't work that way.

So here it all is: I went into work aholism again) I'm fatigued from that-I have eaten poorly as a result of lack of meal planning because work is all consumming. Too much salt, too much processed carbs make feel like crap, no exercise because work is all consumming, an estranged daughter that is very ill & this is painful, it's the holidays and I haven't done one thing, and now I don't have therapist to talk to anymore. It was the storm brewing for last night's one small glass of wine truning into three glasses and binging on disgusting foods. I feel like I'm coming apart at the seems.

excuse the typos. I can't see the screen too well and can't use this key board too well either.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Hi, beautiful post. It's hard to find an in between therapist, most (I've found) are liberal depending on the level of education and so, tend to scoff at any idea of God. Mine is an ultra liberal lol. (She gets mad if I say that) But she's a lapsed Catholic, and was abused by them , so I don't blame her. We get along like cats and dogs lol! At least she knows what she's talking about, (she was going to be a nun and was in a convent, she wrote a book on religious abuse). Most people today can't even tell you the difference between a Protestant and a Catholic, but they are ready to go to the mat for what they don't believe. Lol. I don't mind leaving God out of therapy. That's a long story. Simply put, I go to church for that. But I had a guy (therapist) that was a pHD and he was a kind of open scoffer? I didnt like that. He had to let me know it. It was a power/dominant thing.

The family stuff I understand also I just have been writing in my diary about how hard it is watching "generational trauma".
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
Hi Hithere,

I could feel your racing mind and your frustration with a lot of things. I am thinking of you. You are one of my fav people on this site and I hope you find your footing soon. Probably believing god is how you survived and it should be respected deeply with anyone in your life.

Love.
 

hithere

MyPTSD Pro
@Mach123 Thank you. I don't have a diary on this site and I'm thinking I will make one. This type of post was probably best for the diary part.

@grit Thank you for your kind words. I always appreciate your comments and I'm so glad you are on this site
 
A

APOR2017

This hurts my heart that you are going through this and that someone mocked you for your faith. I know you are going through a lot and a very difficult time, but I can honestly say you sound like a strong person. You also sound like you know what you believe is right deep sown. Thats rare and I think you are going to come through this one day and help others. I am here if you want to chat. I am praying for you and I believe in you. Big hugs friend.
 

Whirlwind

MyPTSD Pro
He had literally laughed at me when I told him I'm believing God to guide me, and I'm struggling with my faith

Does he think faith is affecting you negatively? Can you ask him outright?

I had a great T who later became ...toxic towards me. He didn't believe me. It was a terrible time for me and the best thing I did was to leave him and find another T. My first T eventually realized his error and we ended on good terms. But the point was at the time it was bad news for me and inadvertently added to my confusion/trauma.

They are human, flawed but if you feel you are being treated poorly, dismissed...the relationship may no longer be a good fit. This is about you...I would seek out alternative T's.

Best,

Whirlwind
 
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