black cloud of chaos


New Here
So this might sound crazy but stick with me...
My abuser kidnapped me, held me hostage and killed himself. Died in my lap. forward 6 years..
My life has been nothing but chaos and a series of unfortunate events. I don't leave the house unless to get groceries, i talk to one maybe two people.

i feel like there is a black cloud of negativity that follows me around and rains on me and everyone around me. For example, i was staying with some friends, one being a new guy i was seeing. I didn't have a vehicle or cell phone service unless i was in the house. We were sleeping in a camper on other side of property. I didn't leave the property for daysssss. everything was finally starting to feel relaxed (i was about a quarter mile from my rock bottom) I was starting to calm down when all of i sudden theres allll this drama. no idea where it came from. The girl whos property had the camper on it, thought i untagged myself from something she posted and was embarrassed to be her friend or some shit which was not the case what so ever. I deleted my facebook.... Ended up in her fighting with her boyfriend and asking her to take her son out for awhile because she wanted to be alone.. like a week later the guy i was sorta seeing and staying with freaks out about who tf knows what... asks me to leave.. again i have no vehicle and its 8 am. A few weeks before this when he was overwhelmed with us and two dogs in the camper and us being together all day everyday, he needed a break. couldnt just say that and had asked me to leave... so i did. He ended up texting me saying he was sorry and such and that he was hoping i was just going to go up to the house for a few hours and let him chill and come back later in night....(GAMES!) but anyways so when its 8 am and i have no vehicle and two dogs, i just went to the house for a few hours. His brother and his gf seemed like they were on my side, his brother told me not to leave to wait for him to wake up and that and whatever. When all of a sudden the gf brings me a drug test and says they want me to take it. I was about to take it when the guy i was staying with comes inside and freaks out again saying "i asked you to leave, why are you still here." such and such.... stupid shit i dont need, well aware but the point of those stories were to show that i dont do anything and yet all this bs and chaos still wreaks havoc on my life. I thought i was drawing it to myself thats why i cut everyone out and kept to myself....


all of i sudden theres allll this drama. no idea where it came from
To be frank? I’d suspect rather than a cloud of negativity... it’s different expectations & disassociation (or naïveté).

You’re staying on someone else’s property... and they want you drug tested (which is either about you, or about who you’re staying with... IE either the person themselves does drugs, or has a history of doing drugs, or brings people home who do drugs). So either you’re acting in a way that makes them think you’re high, or they are sick and tired of your beau bringing home junkies, or don’t believe him when he says the 2 of you are sober. That means the expectations of the people whose property you’re staying on & your own? Are wildly different. Not recognizing that? Either means you’re a babe in the woods, clueless to what it means to be staying in someone else’s home, or on their land; or totally zoned out to the realities of the situation.

Go up to the house for a few hours or leave... ditto. He expects one thing, and you do the other.
those stories were to show that i dont do anything and yet all this bs and chaos still wreaks havoc on my life.
But you are doing something. You’re staying on someone else’s property. ANY time you fo that? There’s going to be complications. Some good, some neutral, some bad. All depending on them & you.

If I walk into my neighbors house? And keep completely to myself? I’m still IN their house. A dynamic has formed, just by my being there. How I interact with with, and both of us meeting each other’s expectations? (Or not!) Will wildly effect that dynamic. Like I can stop by for 5 minutes and be welcome or annoy the f*ck out of them. Or I can refuse to leave for days, and be welcome, or have the police called to forcibly remove me. My BEING there? Invited, or not, welcome or not, is what I’m doing.

I’ve spent years homeless, and most of my life travelling (2 different things). No one’s home & expectations are the same. At least no 2 people I’ve ever met. When you’re IN someone else’s space? It’s a big deal. On a lot of levels.