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Sexual Assault Blame

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I noticed that the issue of 'blame' comes up often in posts, especially with members suffering from their sexual abuse whether it be just the trauma or PTSD.

What I feel compelled to highlight is that blame does nothing to aide the healing process for the victim other than perhaps providing an 'out' in relation to having to face fears and trauma.

No one denies how bad sexual assault is and how it can destroy you right to your very core. However, once the abuser has left, yes they are guilty for the act which caused the harm and the immediate reactions suffered, but then the rest lies in the hands of the victim.

Do they get help, not get help, become reclusive, take action, not take action and so on is up to the victim. While the abuser is a terrible person for the violations and trauma they inflicted, 'blaming' them for why a victim can't do anything/something after the fact is futile as all it does is leaves you 'stuck'. By stuck I mean at a place where you think the abuser stops you from functioning or unable to progress with healing, when it is the reaction to the trauma along with thought patterns which does this.

I can't find the right words but what I am trying to say is that while you 'blame' your abuser for what they did to you and use that as a reason for not being able to do something you are inadvertendly handing that abuser back your power to control your life, and while no longer present, continue to torment you.

Acceptance of what happened to you is imperative in my honest opinion and I hope that some find the courage to step away from reasoning that "I do or don't do this because I was abused" as it is in fact thinking and reasoning which holds you back as the abuser is long gone (in most instances).
I did realize this at one point, but I still have 'little explosions'' when I need to blame someone for my failing to heal as fast/clean as I would want it to happen. I don't yet have another way of letting the frustration out. Saying I'm frustrated doesn't help me as much as saying I blame them. Actually him. The only person I really harvest feelings of hatred for. I have to work on that? No doubt. But if it helps let out some of the steam is it that bad?
The only person I really harvest feelings of hatred for. I have to work on that? No doubt. But if it helps let out some of the steam is it that bad?

Nyx I think what you are talking about is completely a normal reaction. I am talking about long harboring resentment and blame which prevents you from moving forward; not the speed humps and frustrations you face along the healing journey.

I think you wouldn't be normal if you didn't have "little explosions" - it's the forever lasting effects of an 'atomic bomb' that I would find concerning ie...wiping out your entire life versus facing a hurdle.
Hmmm. Blame. You see, I have a real issue in feeling anger towards my attacker, because I don't, when I think I should. I don't know why. I have harboured feelings of 'self -blame' for years. I always saw it as somehow, my fault. I 'know' that it's not, but I've always had a head full of 'if only' thoughts. I 'should' seriously HATE him, but I don't. If I think of him, all I get is anxiety and fear. Then feel pissed off with myself that I didn't escape/ fight back/ scream /etc. I know it's warped feelings .... I need to change the way I think
I 'know' that it's not, but I've always had a head full of 'if only' thoughts

Ahhh... "if only". The ultimate retrospective look at things over which you had little or no control nor will never change. I get that thinking and have even used it in the present tense towards future plans and again I am faced with having no control other than the decisions I make and the reactions at that point of time when that even arises.

"If only" is one of those little voices in your head which needs to be drowned out with happiness and laughter doing the best you can with what you have now until it disappears. Or, as I have experienced, have someone challenge that thinking enough that you come to the resignation that no matter "what if", what will be will be and you cannot control circumstances nor others. You just drain yourself of a lot of energy hypothesizing in the meantime.

The hardest part of abuse I think is being able to let go and accept that to some point "you had no control" and could only react with the skills and knowledge you had at that point in time.

I think the ultimate question to ask ourselves, over and over, is what does laying fault/blame achieve????
My problem with blame is that there are multiple targets for my anger. I think I've dealt with one and then it seems as though the anger just shifts, and then shifts back... and so on. And yes, it does hold me back from healing.

Laying fault/blame achieves bugger all: it just makes us angry and does not seem to affect the target of the blame at all. It eats us away.

Recently, I have had to add another therapist to my list of health professionals... one who deals specifically in sexual traumas, and this topic came up just this morning. It only hurts me to harvest that anger, and it does not harm the target...
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