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Blindsided breakup I need help understanding

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This is so hard for me to speak on because a lot of the times when I say it out loud I kind of judge myself so then I automatically assume everyone else will judge me to. I’m just so heartbroken and can’t figure out what happen why it happened and what could have been done to prevent it. So here it goes.

Back in May I started dating a guy who chased me around for about 6 months before I decided to give him the time of day. The reason why is because he was so much younger than me. I’m 30 and he told me he was 22. I figured we had absolutely nothing in common so I just ignored and never entertained. At some point you figure he would get the hint but he never did. He continued to send me DMs on social media to a point I just gave him my number and once we face timed and he told me his age I completely hung the phone up on him. After this he continued to text me call me and I never answered. He went away for a month but came back again with the nonstop calling texting. He asked to take me out and I finally thought to myself let me see what this kid wants because he is being so persistent and won’t stop.

I finally meet up with him and the kid is built like the rock. He’s 6’2 full of muscles looks like he spends 23 hours in the gym. He could have passed for about 28. He came off so mature I couldn’t believe he was 22 it blew my mind. After meeting up with him going for an ice cream date o thought to myself wow I would actually see him again and was super happy that I actually gave him the chance.

From there it was history he was coming over every weekend. We spent so much time together. He took me out every Saturday night or Sunday. He would get me flowers every other week. He was so good to both of my cats. He treated them so good.

When we first initially started dating we made it clear we weren’t looking for anything serious. He said “I don’t care how many men you have as long as I am your favorite”. But all that talk changed I would say about three weeks in. He told me he changed his mind, he wanted me to be just his and he just mine. So I assumed he was catching feelings and wanted to get serious so that’s what we became serious. I must say a lot of the judgment I pass on myself is even dealing with him giving his age and the fact of how fast I moved with him but sometimes when you feel like someone is the one, you just feel it.

He met my family , my friends and everyone just loved how much he was into me. Sometimes his into me could be a little much more than what I like but it was okay because I really liked him and he was doing everything right in my eyes. He went out of his way to make me happy so I did the same cooking his favorite meals. Keeping him satisfied in all ways even at times I didn’t feel like it.

Fast forward to end of June we booked a trip to the DR. I asked him for his passport to put in the information and realized he was actually 21 and not 22. I was a little upset even though it was just a difference of a year .. why not just tell me you were 22 why say 21? And I understand because im an older woman you want to get with me you told a little lie but why not come clean after the fact ? So even though I should have seen that as a red flag I just ignored it.

Remember I told you everything was great he had a good head on his shoulders for someone who is 21 he treated me good and was very mature and I could trust him.. everything was going so good little petty arguments here and there but that is normal In any relationship. I just couldn’t believe how happy I was with him.

Fast forward to the night before our trip to DR in September he came over to spend the night so we could leave together in the morning. He has a spare key so I was out getting my hair done and he got to my home before I did. He calls me and asks me where am I ? I said I am on my way why what’s up ? He says one of your neighbors is at your apartment door yelling and screaming he’s going to call the police. I’m just so confused I’m like why what’s going on ? Then he proceeds to tell me he accidentally went to the wrong apt door because he wasn’t paying attention he had his head in his phone . I live in a condo so there are about 16 doors on the floor so I absolutely understand not paying attention and going to the wrong door. So I told him it’s okay just don’t say anything I’ll talk to the neighbor when I get there.

When I get home I said please explain everything to me so I know what to say to my neighbor. He told me it’s everything is fine and taken care of he went to the neighbor apologized explained it was an accident and it was behind them. I said are you sure he told me yes don’t worry. So I took his word for it.

Fast forward to the next day we fly into the DR and I get a call from my leasing office asking me if everything is okay I said yes why? My leasing office says oh because there was an incident involving police at your condo ? I couldn’t find it to tell them it was just my Boyfriend who’s been there a million times not paying attention .. so I told him oh it was just my little brother who’s never been here before who went to the wrong door. My leasing office proceeds to tell me that’s not what the guy told the police. I’m like police ? What do you mean police he says yes the gentleman told the police he was your boyfriend and he lives there with you.

So now I’m furious because I wasn’t told the police came to my apartment and interrogated anybody. I was told everything was fine and taken care of.. so after I get off the phone I look at my boyfriend and say.. “ so the police came and spoke with you “? He said yes I’m like why wouldn’t you tell me that? He claims he didn’t want me upset.

Now I’m furious because I’m being lied to and I believe I should have been told the police were in my apartment interrogating him. I get the whole thing was an accident and my neighbor blew things out of proportion because no one ever entered his home, No one assaulted him, no one stole anything it was just a simple mistake. I’ve had people come up to my apartment door all the time looking for another apartment door. But I was just so furious he didn’t tell me he was interrogated by police. I tried my hardest to give him the benefit of the doubt because I feel he didn’t lie to me he just withheld information. But apparently that is a form of lying. We are on vacation so now I’m just pissed I have to deal with this on vacation imagine how upset I am . I keep getting calls about this so for a good day on the trip I was upset and yelled at him but realized I’m on vacation I want to enjoy it and will deal with it when I get back home. I tell you this story because I feel like it is key and could have possibly led to the breakup I’m not sure .

The day we are supposed to fly out there’s a hurricane that canceled our flight back home so I spent a good amount of the day trying to find a way for us to get back home and finally did so after a long day of cancellations, delays, stress barely making it home we finally get back to states at 3am and probably didn’t get home till about 3:30am and didn’t go to sleep till about 4am.

At this point I just want to sleep because I’m tired and it’s been a long day of traveling and we both have to be up early. He proceeds to want to have sex and although I’ve never denied sex to him the whole time we were together this day I did with good reason. I may have made it a little difficult but this was me expressing that I don’t want to or in the mood right now. Instead of stopping he continues to keep trying now I’m annoyed because I just want to sleep to a point I said “you’re having sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex right now” did that stop him? No he kept going then maybe two minutes after he really realized I didn’t want to and stopped. We went back to sleep and he woke up and kept kissing me and said I’ll see you later and I said okay I’m thinking everything is okay.

I finally wake up and get my things done and realized I haven’t heard from him all day, which is not like him we text all day or maybe face time at least once so I found it odd. I called him I’m the evening no answer I texted no answer. I figured maybe he’s sleeping because we had such a long day of traveling. So I left it alone and went to bed for the evening. The next morning I got up and realized he took all his clothes, his clothes were gone out the drawer they usually are in. I went into my living room and realized he took his PlayStation as well.

Now I’m just confused as to what’s going on. So I continue to call him he’s not answering, I sent a text saying hey you you took all your things as if you’re not coming back.. what about my house keys ? He didn’t respond until three hours later saying “ I left your keys on the windowsill, you are a great girlfriend but every time we got into an argument what you do for work came up and I’m not cool with that “.

So now I'm literally confused and don’t know what’s going on because we never argued about what I do for work and he never had an issue with it. I am a masseuse. I work out of my bike and do sensual massages that don’t include anything sexual. Of course my clients have tried but I never let it get to that point and always make it known this is not what this is. I’m just so confused because he knew what I did for work and it never bothered him, all of a sudden it’s an issue ? So that was pretty strange to me. What was also strange is okay if it was an issue to you, the first thing you decided to do was grab all your belongings, leave and then not talk to me ? Usually in relationships or at least I thought if your partner is doing something you don’t like or even saying something you don’t like, you usually sit down and have s conversation with them first.z letting them know how you feel and come to maybe a solution on how to resolve the issue. None of that was ever done this is why I’m so confused. Where the communicaton between us ? And the fact I had to keep reaching out blowing him up to realize he left is really insane to me.

He proceeds to say he can’t grown the relationship like that… he doesn’t understand why I do that when I have a bachelors degree it doesn’t make sense to him. I make such great money doing massages more than a lot of people with masters make a year plus I have my freedom to get up and do what I want when I want. I’m not a slave to anyones hours so it’s just always worked for me. It pays my bills , I’m able to save and still spend as much as I want.. so now I’m upset because he’s telling me I have to choose between him or my massages and how he just wants the best for me. He claims he would love to come back to me once I stop the massages because I’m such an amazing woman, but we have two different morals.

So now I’m just confused stuck and hurt. Because my massage money was not an issue when I paid for the trip to DR. Now all of a sudden we get back it’s an issue?

Part of me felt like this was all just an excuse… I spoke with my friends and they all said well no man probably is going to be okay with you sensually massaging other guys so maybe I either tell this dude to kick rocks if he’s not going to help pay my bills but wants me to lose my income or lose my income to be happy in my relationship. But as everyone said and I agree he met you knowing that’s what you did and had the opportunity to either stay or leave and he chose to stay and be okay with it.

This whole conversation I had with him was through text he completely refused to answer the phone so now I’m having this serious conversation through text which to me sucked so bad how can we speak on something this serious only through text messages ? I asked him what exactly is it that you want me to do because I’m stuck I really and truly am. He said I want you to take the time to figure out what you’re going to do. Get a job that will still finance your lifestyle.. but don’t do it for me do it for you… let me know how it goes and I’ll come back home.

I didn’t hear from him since… so I needed time to figure out what I was going to do I couldn’t just stop the massages overnight I had to make sure I had a plan first. So after maybe about two weeks of missing him..

I said you know what forget the massages I really and truly miss him being here .. I wanted him to come back home and I was willing to truly give up the massages…So two weeks later I finally texted him a long paragraph saying I’m ready to give up the massages and want him and no amount of money I make will compare to what we have , and telling him how much I missed him and how he can come home because I choose him… but I did also say I also won’t beg or chase you to speak with me because that’s what I was doing the last time we spoke and I didn’t think that was fair to me at all.

I sent him the text Thursday morning 9am , he never responded… so now I’m confused, because he told me it was the massages and once I stop he’ll come back. So why hasn’t he responded to my text message ? I spoke with my friend and she told me send the same message but don’t tell him the not chasing or begging to talk to you part because men want to feel wanted as well. She said be a little nicer even though I felt like I was .

So I sent the same text and I said If it’s not the massage and it’s something else please let m know so we can talk it out , how will I know what the problem is if you’re not communicating with me? I also did end the text saying also if you don’t want to be with me or have no interest in getting back together please let me know so I’m not sitting here looking like a fool continuously texting you and reaching out. Two hours later he sends a text saying “I can’t be with you anymore”.

So once he said that I just completely deleted the text thread between us three away all the pictures of us in my house. Maybe someone else would have asked why? But at this point he was already just not communicating seems like he was making excuses so for me to ask why I felt was just going to be pointless he was either just not going to answer , or answer and lie so I simply texted back saying “thank you”

Now im just so hurt and heartbroken trying to figure out what did I do ? What could I have done? How did he just switch up on me like this. He practically ghosted me with no reason whatsoever, so I’m left blaming myself because that’s all I have to go on. Was it because I didn’t want to have sex with you that one night ? Because I remember when we first started dating he told me he ghosted a girl who told him the fact he wants to have sex so much is ghetto, but they’re weren’t as serious as we were. So I’m like did he ghost me over sex ? Did I do something wrong ? Should I have had sex with him ?

Just imagine a million things going through my mind because he gave me no explanation no reason nothing. I know we aren’t owed any closure but people don’t understand how important that really and truly is. Part of me thought is it because of what happened before we went to DR ? Aries he have someone else ? To make such a rash decision by getting your and leaving is just so wild and immature to me with no coversation at all? How can someone claim they love me and then discard me as if I was nothing ? All the time we spent invested into this efforts on both ends ? Was it all fake ? Can people really do these actions and it not mean anything for them ?

It’s been eating me alive as to what could have happened ? And even if something did happen why not just sit and talk with me ?

I’m left feeling embarrassed for myself. I think every day this is your fault for even entertaining someone so young.. I should have know it wouldn’t have lasted, or maybe Things were moving to fast ? Did he really want a relationship ? Did it become more than what he expected even though he was the one who pushed the being exclusive on me and I went along with it? I’m truly heart broke and have been for weeks I can’t seem to get over it and mainly because of how he went about it . People break up everyday and there is nothing wrong with that but it’s the way you go about it . I’ve lost all respect for him and maybe I was his first serious relationship and he really and truly just didn’t know how to handle things ? I’m just lost wondering so many things …

a lot of my friends were telling me that it’s clearly a him problem and not you that I need to stop blaming myself but sometimes I feel friends can be so bias that’s why I wanted to venture out and get opinions from others. The fact that he couldn’t give me the decency of a conversation proved to me that yes even tho he looked mature and acted it he clearly really and truly wasn’t .. it just hurts because I got out into this situation where I really truly loved and cared for someone I did something different than what I’m used to put my all into it just to have this happen to me.

I recently find out he was in the DMs of a friend of a friend and this girl is very sexually explicit all over social media .. the first thing I thought was wow you told me you couldn’t be with me because of massages and we have different morals but yet you’re trying to holler at a girl or couple girls who are being sexually explicit all over the internet .. this just proved to me that his massage BS was just that BS… it was an easy excuse to get out the relationship without making him look like the bad guy.. at that point I realized and maybe I’m wrong I realized it really wasn’t me I wasn’t the issue he probably just didn’t want to be in relationship anymore and just didn’t know how to tell me .

I get it he’s young and has so much to experience but why do all these things tell me you want a relationship we do just that and then to just up and leave ? We could have kept it casual like we both initially agreed on. It just hurts someone would really have no regards for others feelings . Again I judge myself so much because of the age difference me knowing better even though he did all the right things and showed no sign of not wanting anything serious.

He recently texted me for my birthday and I ignored him because I’m just so hurt how we went about the situation to just act like I was never anything to just discard me not give me the decency of anything .. maybe he had something going on I didn’t know about and he couldn’t keep the lie up?

It’s just so weird how all this happened a little after the police situation at my condo I’m trying to heal and move on but it’s soo hard it’s so much easier said then done.. that’s why I’m here today and I know this is very long and I do apologize just wanted to get everything that happened out and sorry for all the grammar errors as well
Just to clarify, which one of you has PTSD?

a lot of my friends were telling me that it’s clearly a him problem and not you
Very much agreed. As he’s the one who broke things off, he’s clearly the one who’s got a problem -or series of problems- with the relationship. Whether or not anyone else would have the same problem(s) doesn’t much matter, as we all need/want different things out of our relationships, ya know? What would be a dealbreaker for one person, suits another person right on down to the ground. And vice versa.

It’s just so weird how all this happened a little after the police situation at my condo
FWIW It makes total sense that one or the other of you would have ended things EITHER right around now (most relationships fail right around the 6mo mark), OR after the trip (as travelling together is one of those relationship-tests for most people, to see if things can work between the two of you in a crucible/under pressure, with all of our faults on display 24/7 instead of being cushioned or camouflaged by our everyday lives).
I understand completely, but I just felt if there was an issue or something is wrong at least communicate so we can speak about it and try to resolve it you know… typically that’s how a logical person would think .. maybe not but I understand everything you are saying
I just felt if there was an issue or something is wrong at least communicate so we can speak about it and try to resolve it you know…
If I’m understanding correctly?

You fought before going on your trip.
You fought whilst on your trip.
You fought arriving home from your trip.

That doesn’t tell you something’s wrong?

Don’t get me wrong, healthy vibrant couples fight, and disagreement / seeing if we can line up our (everything) is especially a part of new relationships. But those fights and disagreements are also the neon flashing signs of “something is wrong & let’s see if we can resolve it” zones. Because it’s passed beyond friction & talking about things all cool & rational, into one or both of you is upset enough about it to go toe to toe over it.
We didn’t fight before or after , once he told me about the neighbor I said okay cool thinking everything was calmed down.. it wasn’t till we got to our trip I found out he lied and yes I argued because he lied about Soemthing very important I should know if police were at my house. But never argued when we got back home matter of fact that’s the only arguing we’ve had through the entire relationship.
As painful as it is, sounds like you had a lucky escape? Is being with someone who lies about their age, and lies about what happened with the police in your home, and continues to have sex with you when you said no (which is rape), the kind of person you want to be with?
I'm sorry you went through that.

Are you in therapy?
There are some painful things to work through in that relationship, and also why you question yourself so much and doubt yourself.

This doesn't sound like an age difference thing, but that he simply isn't an honest or caring person.
As painful as it is, sounds like you had a lucky escape? Is being with someone who lies about their age, and lies about what happened with the police in your home, and continues to have sex with you when you said no (which is rape), the kind of person you want to be with?
I'm sorry you went through that.

Are you in therapy?
There are some painful things to work through in that relationship, and also why you question yourself so much and doubt yourself.

This doesn't sound like an age difference thing, but that he simply isn't an honest or caring person.
I have started therapy yes, because it’s been a lot to deal with. I guess the fact I didn’t expect any of this, and the way he broke it off just really got to me. I had no real closure so for awhile yes I did blame myself because I had nothing to go on. This is why I doubted and questioned myself so much. It’s been very painful it really has, but it gets a little better with each day.

Are you saying you have PTSD from the breakup?
Yes I do and the way it happened is specifically yes
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