Hello all,
I'm after some advice as to what has recently happened with my relationship with my girlfriend of 19 months. We are both late 40's, she has 2 kids still at home and I have 1. We weren't living together however we had future plans to get a place together (instigated by her and I was very comfortable with the idea) but spent a lot of time sleeping over at each others houses and we thought that we displayed a loving, caring, respectful relationship to our respective children. We were holding hands at every opportunity, the mere sight of each other would bring a smile to each others face, sneeky little winks to each other across a room etc. Missing each other was a good feeling because we knew we would be together again soon. There was never an ill word spoken between us the entire time we were together and we supported each other with sound advice when life threw a curveball. We would speak to each other a couple of times a day on the phone when we weren't together and if anyone was to read the text messages we sent each other they would probably feel nauseous because they were so full of love. Our intimacy (including sex) was sensational. In short we were deeply in love with each other and she occasionally posted stuff on facebook saying how lucky she was and how much in love we were. Our respective children all got on well and so did our parents and family. Her friends liked me and mine liked her. I thought I had met my "forever" girl and was really looking forward to the future and we had discussed our future desires (such as OS travel). We were on the same page with everything.
In July 2018 she had a car accident and had her son in the car with her. The car was written off and although her son escaped with minor injuries she wasn't so lucky and in the following 12 months had to have 2 operations as a result of the accident. She posted on facebook a few days after the accident pictures of her smashed up car and a long dialogue of what happened. She was seeing a therapist every 3 weeks for the first six months while the cost was being covered by insurance and was diagnosed with PTSD. After that the therapist appointments become less frequent to point of non existent because of the expense. Even though I offered financial assistance she wouldn't accept it. She was unable to return to work. She loved her work as a nurse. She always had broken sleep but usually managed 7-9 hours per night. Sometimes she had nightmares but from what I could gather only occasionally. She had anxiety about even going out for a walk around her neighbourhood saying it wasn't safe (which is untrue). She had some anxiety around driving however if I was driving she was ok. I ride a motorbike sometimes too and she enjoyed touring on that. If she had to drive past the accident site which she needed to do to visit her mother she would slow right down and then would have other cars speeding past her or worse honking their horn which made matters worse. When she spoke about some issues she was having I was there to listen and always said to her " just keep talking to me when you need to". I realised that I couldn't fix what had happened but made it very clear that I wanted to be there holding her hand while she dealt with it.
Even with this we had a brilliant relationship and did a lot of great things together and with our kids. We both stepped up to the "step parent" role and we were a great blended family. Her PTSD didn't really impact on what we did. She never said that she couldn't do something out of fear.
12 months after the facebook post facebook brought it up as a "memory" and I think this was the trigger. In the following weeks she was getting less and less sleep to a point of 2-3 hours per night. She would wake me sometimes talking in her sleep or having nightmares and sometimes she would be a lather of sweat in the middle of the night.
Approximately 6 weeks after the facebook memory came up she said that she needed some space which came as a complete surprise to me. The night before we had sent text messages to each other the same as usual, overflowing with love and when I had stayed over 2 nights before we had been intimate. I had absolutely no idea this was coming.
I left her alone for a day and then made contact and we met and talked the following day. I offed to utilize my works assistance program psychologist and she agreed although this took a while to action and I don't think she has used it. Things returned to normal and then 2 weeks later it happened again, this time permanent. She is the most empathetic person I know however she seemed to have lost her empathy because she ended our relationship 2 weeks before my birthday, 6 weeks before her oldest childs wedding and 7 weeks before I was to go to court to fight for more time with my child in my care (she always said she would be there for me with regards to this) So I had a lonely birthday and wasn't in the right frame of mind for the court case although it worked out ok). I tried to stay in touch with her via text message every couple of days to make sure she was alright. Occasionally she would say she wasn't and Id ask if she wanted to talk but she didn't. She sent me a birthday message and it was still "honey" and had kisses which I found very confusing. I stopped trying to communicate with her about 10 days after my birthday. I asked her out for a motorbike ride and she said then "I just want to be on my own sorry, your a nice guy, Im sorry I've hurt you". Shortly afterwards she ended our relationship status on facebook and shortly afterwards that unfriended me. I needed to talk to her when I was at court and I rang her and she answered and we spoke as if we were still together (minus the lovey dovey stuff). 3 weeks later I went to her house to get some of my possessions and we spoke for about half an hour at a depth that was the same as if we were still together (about our parents, kids, my child custody court case results etc). Communication was open and not an ill word spoken. 3 weeks later I again had to pick something up from her house and again we spoke openly and at depth. I told her that I had to get my dog put down and she asked if I was ok and did I want to talk about it. She also said that her son had said that he missed my son. I drove a few blocks away from her house and then got out of the car and sat on the ground for about 20 minutes trying to work out what had gone on. It was as though we were still communicating in the same way as we did when we were together but we weren't. I sort some professional help for myself to try and understand what went on and that has helped a bit but still rather clinical in their approach.
My head was a mess - I really don't know what caused her to end our "perfect relationship". I cant pinpoint anything that I might have done or said. From my side of things there is no reason for it and that is taking a lot of dealing with although the professional help I was getting helped a little bit and I am slowly moving in the right direction. When I reflect back on our relationship I have nothing but fond memories up until the point of her ending it and then even after that she hasn't done anything malicious or nasty, just been "normal". We haven't communicated for about 5 weeks.
She is doing a 3 week residential pain management course (which includes physiotherapists, lectures on pain, tailored exercise programs and psychologists and is thought to have a pretty good success rate) early in the new year and I'm hopeful that this will be of big benefit to her regardless of if we have a future together or not. I just want to see her in a better place.
Rational me says that I need to get on with life and potentially meet someone else and if my ex and I meet up in the future when she is in a better place then all good.
Optimistic me says that I should wait it out, send her a message just before the resident course starts wishing her luck and then see how she comes out of it at the other end. Am I being a fool?
My friends say I should move on because there is always going to be the threat of this happening again but its hard letting go of a person who is so special.
She was subjected to domestic violence by her husband of 20 years (left him 8 years ago and therapist said there might be some residual PTSD from that which she didn't agree to) and her father passed away 4 years ago who she was very close to.
Sorry its so long, honestly it could have been a lot longer. If anyone has any real world advice I would appreciate it because I'm struggling to understand what happened. I'm struggling to deal with it myself (which is not normal for me. I'm very resilient normally) and potentially what the future holds.
Thanks
Bayview.
I'm after some advice as to what has recently happened with my relationship with my girlfriend of 19 months. We are both late 40's, she has 2 kids still at home and I have 1. We weren't living together however we had future plans to get a place together (instigated by her and I was very comfortable with the idea) but spent a lot of time sleeping over at each others houses and we thought that we displayed a loving, caring, respectful relationship to our respective children. We were holding hands at every opportunity, the mere sight of each other would bring a smile to each others face, sneeky little winks to each other across a room etc. Missing each other was a good feeling because we knew we would be together again soon. There was never an ill word spoken between us the entire time we were together and we supported each other with sound advice when life threw a curveball. We would speak to each other a couple of times a day on the phone when we weren't together and if anyone was to read the text messages we sent each other they would probably feel nauseous because they were so full of love. Our intimacy (including sex) was sensational. In short we were deeply in love with each other and she occasionally posted stuff on facebook saying how lucky she was and how much in love we were. Our respective children all got on well and so did our parents and family. Her friends liked me and mine liked her. I thought I had met my "forever" girl and was really looking forward to the future and we had discussed our future desires (such as OS travel). We were on the same page with everything.
In July 2018 she had a car accident and had her son in the car with her. The car was written off and although her son escaped with minor injuries she wasn't so lucky and in the following 12 months had to have 2 operations as a result of the accident. She posted on facebook a few days after the accident pictures of her smashed up car and a long dialogue of what happened. She was seeing a therapist every 3 weeks for the first six months while the cost was being covered by insurance and was diagnosed with PTSD. After that the therapist appointments become less frequent to point of non existent because of the expense. Even though I offered financial assistance she wouldn't accept it. She was unable to return to work. She loved her work as a nurse. She always had broken sleep but usually managed 7-9 hours per night. Sometimes she had nightmares but from what I could gather only occasionally. She had anxiety about even going out for a walk around her neighbourhood saying it wasn't safe (which is untrue). She had some anxiety around driving however if I was driving she was ok. I ride a motorbike sometimes too and she enjoyed touring on that. If she had to drive past the accident site which she needed to do to visit her mother she would slow right down and then would have other cars speeding past her or worse honking their horn which made matters worse. When she spoke about some issues she was having I was there to listen and always said to her " just keep talking to me when you need to". I realised that I couldn't fix what had happened but made it very clear that I wanted to be there holding her hand while she dealt with it.
Even with this we had a brilliant relationship and did a lot of great things together and with our kids. We both stepped up to the "step parent" role and we were a great blended family. Her PTSD didn't really impact on what we did. She never said that she couldn't do something out of fear.
12 months after the facebook post facebook brought it up as a "memory" and I think this was the trigger. In the following weeks she was getting less and less sleep to a point of 2-3 hours per night. She would wake me sometimes talking in her sleep or having nightmares and sometimes she would be a lather of sweat in the middle of the night.
Approximately 6 weeks after the facebook memory came up she said that she needed some space which came as a complete surprise to me. The night before we had sent text messages to each other the same as usual, overflowing with love and when I had stayed over 2 nights before we had been intimate. I had absolutely no idea this was coming.
I left her alone for a day and then made contact and we met and talked the following day. I offed to utilize my works assistance program psychologist and she agreed although this took a while to action and I don't think she has used it. Things returned to normal and then 2 weeks later it happened again, this time permanent. She is the most empathetic person I know however she seemed to have lost her empathy because she ended our relationship 2 weeks before my birthday, 6 weeks before her oldest childs wedding and 7 weeks before I was to go to court to fight for more time with my child in my care (she always said she would be there for me with regards to this) So I had a lonely birthday and wasn't in the right frame of mind for the court case although it worked out ok). I tried to stay in touch with her via text message every couple of days to make sure she was alright. Occasionally she would say she wasn't and Id ask if she wanted to talk but she didn't. She sent me a birthday message and it was still "honey" and had kisses which I found very confusing. I stopped trying to communicate with her about 10 days after my birthday. I asked her out for a motorbike ride and she said then "I just want to be on my own sorry, your a nice guy, Im sorry I've hurt you". Shortly afterwards she ended our relationship status on facebook and shortly afterwards that unfriended me. I needed to talk to her when I was at court and I rang her and she answered and we spoke as if we were still together (minus the lovey dovey stuff). 3 weeks later I went to her house to get some of my possessions and we spoke for about half an hour at a depth that was the same as if we were still together (about our parents, kids, my child custody court case results etc). Communication was open and not an ill word spoken. 3 weeks later I again had to pick something up from her house and again we spoke openly and at depth. I told her that I had to get my dog put down and she asked if I was ok and did I want to talk about it. She also said that her son had said that he missed my son. I drove a few blocks away from her house and then got out of the car and sat on the ground for about 20 minutes trying to work out what had gone on. It was as though we were still communicating in the same way as we did when we were together but we weren't. I sort some professional help for myself to try and understand what went on and that has helped a bit but still rather clinical in their approach.
My head was a mess - I really don't know what caused her to end our "perfect relationship". I cant pinpoint anything that I might have done or said. From my side of things there is no reason for it and that is taking a lot of dealing with although the professional help I was getting helped a little bit and I am slowly moving in the right direction. When I reflect back on our relationship I have nothing but fond memories up until the point of her ending it and then even after that she hasn't done anything malicious or nasty, just been "normal". We haven't communicated for about 5 weeks.
She is doing a 3 week residential pain management course (which includes physiotherapists, lectures on pain, tailored exercise programs and psychologists and is thought to have a pretty good success rate) early in the new year and I'm hopeful that this will be of big benefit to her regardless of if we have a future together or not. I just want to see her in a better place.
Rational me says that I need to get on with life and potentially meet someone else and if my ex and I meet up in the future when she is in a better place then all good.
Optimistic me says that I should wait it out, send her a message just before the resident course starts wishing her luck and then see how she comes out of it at the other end. Am I being a fool?
My friends say I should move on because there is always going to be the threat of this happening again but its hard letting go of a person who is so special.
She was subjected to domestic violence by her husband of 20 years (left him 8 years ago and therapist said there might be some residual PTSD from that which she didn't agree to) and her father passed away 4 years ago who she was very close to.
Sorry its so long, honestly it could have been a lot longer. If anyone has any real world advice I would appreciate it because I'm struggling to understand what happened. I'm struggling to deal with it myself (which is not normal for me. I'm very resilient normally) and potentially what the future holds.
Thanks
Bayview.