Body memories all day from chronic sexual abuse/assault

that_1_girl

Learning
Ok guys I’m not doing great and I’m still brand new here and finding my way around so if I say anything too bad or messed up just tell me ok?
I have been having pain much of today, I have not had sex of any kind in I think 7 years, very much by choice because I’ve been flooded with trauma symptoms for that amount of time.
Anyway I sometimes get body memories and for whatever reason they’re bad today. Please don’t tell me to go to the OB/GYN I’ve been so many times for this crap and I’ve been tested for every possible STI/STD and had Pap smears and all kinds of poking and prodding and also snarky comments from an unkind nurse who makes fun of me for bringing a support person to wait in the exam room with me until the doctor comes in. And there’s never anything physically wrong and I dissociate for hours so no I’m not going to get checked out. It’s definitely body memories because not only is it mystery vaginal pain but i also had a rather long somatic/emotional/non-visual flashback, to what was probably a bunch of different instances of childhood rape, today and my emotions and outer girl bits felt awful for about an hour before I could get my body to stop freaking out. My “chosen/safe dad” was the only one home and he is my most stable and compassionate and trustworthy confidant and he stayed with me and didn’t pull over or let me get out of the car while I hid in my hoodie and kept saying “no. No. no. Get away from me. Let me the f*** out of here.” Over and over and not realizing it was a flashback. Then he sat with me while I curled up in bed and I kind of definitely told him “if you do anything more than just sit here and hold my hand I will Fckn punch you.” And he was like ok and just sat there. There was a lot of self harm after that. I haven’t hurt myself in about 4 hours. But the physical pain is still there inside my girl bits and I am NOT looking forward to a whole month of this in treatment.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Sorry this is happening.
I've had these but they are generally short lived for me. Freaks me the f out when it is happening. Mostly, it subsiding helps. However, also telling myself, sometimes out loud (I think hearing my voice as an adult in the here and now adds a better 'present' dimension), that I am safe and nothing is happening, helps.

Do you have some grounding techniques?

I know you are very clear about not having advice to see a medical professional. I can understand that. I recently went for a smear and it was horrendous, triggered me immensely and I had another freak out.
However, I have now been able to book another smear at a clinic designed for people who have experienced sexual trauma. I will have a session with a psychologist beforehand and together we will come up with a plan of how it will go.
Do you have some form of similar service where you are?
I'm only saying that incase there is a medical problem that might need looking at. But obviously ignore if not helpful.
 

Starfire

Confident
Oh so sorry. I've been there. Don't pay any attention to ignorant people. Feel free to report the nurse's or anyone's else's unprofessional comment or conduct.. I have started asking for people's names before they come near me.
Horrible when the body doesn't listen to the rational brain. Do you have a regular therapist? I can call mine anytime. It helps me to have a calm, knowledgeable, understanding person when I feel none of those things myself.
Glad you have someone who understands. I do the same thing. I'll say * go away and leave me alone* when that's the last thing I really want or need. Don't know why I do that.
Glad you are here. Please keep posting.
 

that_1_girl

Learning
Horrible when the body doesn't listen to the rational brain. Do you have a regular therapist? I can call mine anytime. It helps me to have a calm, knowledgeable, understanding person when I feel none of those things myself.
I do have a regular therapist and a Somatic Experiencing trauma therapist but I can’t call them outside of sessions. Believe it or not that solid boundary helps me feel safe and forces me to use coping skills. My adult therapy is full of unethical and abusive therapists, who encouraged me to call their cell phones any time of day or night 24/7 and then resented me for it and were verbally and psychologically and emotionally abusive besides, so I’m personally pretty averse to being allowed to call my therapist anytime. Tidbit of unsolicited advice (please forgive me!): please for your own safety be VERY careful if/when you call your therapist about therapy matters outside of your sessions. My personal experience is that they start to get resentful when THEY were the ones who gave permission and that then they start blaming you when they are the ones that blurred professional boundaries.
Glad you have someone who understands. I do the same thing. I'll say * go away and leave me alone* when that's the last thing I really want or need. Don't know why I do that.
I definitely don’t know either but my best guess is it’s a defensive move. Not sure though. I think I’m finally feeling safe *enough* to say the things I may have wanted to say as a child being repeatedly sexually abused/assaulted.
Thanks for the welcome and I’m glad you’re here too :)
 

StillPen

Confident
I am sorry you are going through this, as this one of the symptoms that will shut me down for the day or land me in the hospital because they won't go away and get so severe. My therapist has recommended visuallizing the feeling moving out of my body so "I can throw it away"...haven't tried it yet, but if it works for even 5 minutes, it's worth a try. I use ice on my wrists or frreze an orange, wrap it with a paper towel and then alternate it between hands, squeezing it until it is too cold to hold and them move it to the other hand and repeat. For me it is not pain, but pleasure which F*cks with my head so much, so I do things that bring my senses to a different place. I smell my toothpaste, rubbing alcohol, essential oils, etc., anything strong. I tap my left and right feet alternately telling myself "I am safe right now", especially in the shower where I struggle the most. I'm so glad you have someone in your safety network who will be with you when you are clearly in a trauma response. Breathe deep and repeat 'this too will pass' (if it is not triggering), and if you are present enough to do so. I am with you in heart and spirit.
 

catlady953

New Here
I am sorry you are going through this, as this one of the symptoms that will shut me down for the day or land me in the hospital because they won't go away and get so severe. My therapist has recommended visuallizing the feeling moving out of my body so "I can throw it away"...haven't tried it yet, but if it works for even 5 minutes, it's worth a try. I use ice on my wrists or frreze an orange, wrap it with a paper towel and then alternate it between hands, squeezing it until it is too cold to hold and them move it to the other hand and repeat. For me it is not pain, but pleasure which F*cks with my head so much, so I do things that bring my senses to a different place. I smell my toothpaste, rubbing alcohol, essential oils, etc., anything strong. I tap my left and right feet alternately telling myself "I am safe right now", especially in the shower where I struggle the most. I'm so glad you have someone in your safety network who will be with you when you are clearly in a trauma response. Breathe deep and repeat 'this too will pass' (if it is not triggering), and if you are present enough to do so. I am with you in heart and spirit.
Hello, I am sort of new here, in that I've visited the site but never posting anything before. But I related to your post so much. I had a job interview today and I felt like I was such a mess. Prepping for the interview triggered all of my memories ( especially my body) and I couldn't seem to pull myself out of it. I know ways to help but I was frozen. I definitely smell alcohol because it sort of wakes me up. The unhealthy part of my coping is the trancing out while self-harming. I am grateful that I am in therapy although I did just find out that my therapist is going back to online only. That makes me anxious but I understand at the same time.

Ok guys I’m not doing great and I’m still brand new here and finding my way around so if I say anything too bad or messed up just tell me ok?
I have been having pain much of today, I have not had sex of any kind in I think 7 years, very much by choice because I’ve been flooded with trauma symptoms for that amount of time.
Anyway I sometimes get body memories and for whatever reason they’re bad today. Please don’t tell me to go to the OB/GYN I’ve been so many times for this crap and I’ve been tested for every possible STI/STD and had Pap smears and all kinds of poking and prodding and also snarky comments from an unkind nurse who makes fun of me for bringing a support person to wait in the exam room with me until the doctor comes in. And there’s never anything physically wrong and I dissociate for hours so no I’m not going to get checked out. It’s definitely body memories because not only is it mystery vaginal pain but i also had a rather long somatic/emotional/non-visual flashback, to what was probably a bunch of different instances of childhood rape, today and my emotions and outer girl bits felt awful for about an hour before I could get my body to stop freaking out. My “chosen/safe dad” was the only one home and he is my most stable and compassionate and trustworthy confidant and he stayed with me and didn’t pull over or let me get out of the car while I hid in my hoodie and kept saying “no. No. no. Get away from me. Let me the f*** out of here.” Over and over and not realizing it was a flashback. Then he sat with me while I curled up in bed and I kind of definitely told him “if you do anything more than just sit here and hold my hand I will Fckn punch you.” And he was like ok and just sat there. There was a lot of self harm after that. I haven’t hurt myself in about 4 hours. But the physical pain is still there inside my girl bits and I am NOT looking forward to a whole month of this in treatment.
I'm nervous about going to the OB/GYN because I didn't have a particularly understanding one and I could only handle but so much poking and prodding. I have a great primary care provider and so I am going to ask them doctors I could go to who are more aware and understanding. I've heard of somatic therapy but don't know much about it. My therapist suggest hypnosis but that scares the crap out of me and so they don't push it.
 
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