Body memory/flashback after smoking cannabis?

Juso

MyPTSD Pro
Hey y'all.

(I know it probably was not the best idea to smoke cannabis knowing that I tend to dissociate a lot when I'm high. Just wanted to say that I'm aware of that and I have already reduced my cannabis intake.)

Anyways, yesterday I was pretty high because I hadn't smoked in a while, and I had an extremely uncomfortable and sickening flashback/body memory that was completely new to me and made me very afraid of being touched (I flinched at the comforting touch of my friend without being able to control or foresee my reactions). I also felt much, much younger.

I can't really write about more details (not ready yet), but I wanted to ask if anyone else has had "real" body memories/flashbacks when they were high on cannabis?

Because I have a hard time trusting myself - I feel like the psychoactive weed could have made me feel as if it was a real flashback when in reality, I just created a false memory (I've heard you are more prone to making false memories when you've smoked cannabis).

I cannot explain why without talking about the flashback, but I really need to know if I made this memory up, its important. There is the possibility I didn't make it up tho, many of my fears and behaviors growing up would make sense in retrospect. I don't know, I just really don't.

I do know that I've experienced the sudden appearance of once forgotten happy memories while I was high a couple of times, it was as if a gate had opened.

Thanks for reading ❤
 

Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry you're experiencing that. It's not a fun experience, and it doesn't feel good to not be able to stop while having sex. I can't tell you for sure if your flashback was a memory, but this is my personal experience.

Most of my assaults (repeated rape from a boyfriend) were while I was either high or high and drunk (and eventually I HAD to be to have sex at all. I still can't really have sex). He had coerced me often by buying me cannabis and making me subtly feel guilty for not smoking it. These assaults led me to remembering child on child sexual assault when I was younger, through flashbacks as well. They were real memories. I could remember the aftermath, and even talked to my mom about it. She said I was acting really strange on that day and said I never wanted to play at that house again. I've also later had sex with other people while high and had real flashbacks about previous rapes. Or, I'd dissociate to the point I was completely limp and my partner would stop because they were confused (which was fortunate for me).

I have a medical card and can use it while alone or with people I trust. I don't smoke with people anymore (I don't wanna lose my card, but I also can't be stoned or drunk around people if I don't trust them, which means I can do it around like 3 people total. I don't like clubs for this reason lol), but I often use it as a therapeutic to face whatever emotions or memories I'm suppressing. It seems to help me integrate past traumas. I'll often smoke or take an edible and journal for an hour, or make art. It seems to let out what I'm holding inside.

My theory is that cannabis connects our brain in ways it doesn't normally during our regular day, if you take enough of it. If you just take a small dose, or if I take a small dose at least, my PTSD symptoms just fade away and I feel like a "normal" person. There's some studies about its effects on the cannabinoid systems in the brain and memory. I've achieved similar states through meditation, and I'm sure there's a theory there too haha, but I do think there is some power in memory retrieval in cannabis.

I hope that helps some. If I can find the links for the cannabis and memory studies, I'll post them here.
 

Juso

MyPTSD Pro
@Strangelongtrip
Thank you so much for your answer, you have no idea how much it helped.
I am so deeply sorry for what you had to go through. It sounds like hell.
I often use it as a therapeutic to face whatever emotions or memories I'm suppressing. It seems to help me integrate past traumas. I'll often smoke or take an edible and journal for an hour, or make art. It seems to let out what I'm holding inside.
Very happy to hear that you found something that can help you heal! I also often noticed that other traumas which I know actually did happen can come to the surface when I smoke weed. But unfortunately it never is a contructive way of surfacing, it makes me feel like shit. I may need to learn to ground myself or have positive input when it happens.
I'd dissociate to the point I was completely limp and my partner would stop because they were confused (which was fortunate for me).
That has happened to me as well and I never knew what that was about. My partner also noticed it. It was as if I was paralyzed and some parts of my body were cut off and I had no control over them. It makes me really scared because ... I guess I have to say it for you to undestand what I mean. But the flashback was basically about someone sexually assaulting me while I was not able to move. If the memory was real, I may have been drugged, or I may have been asleep (the latter would make more sense because I've been in very weird and scary states when I woke up during the night or when I was very tired, I also often felt paralyized and according to my partner, I began to talk like a child). I dunno, the flashback was really mainly about what my body felt and my panicked but foggy mind thought and I didn't see any pictures or anything like that. It was just as if it was happening again and I couldn't emotionally understand that the person I was currently having sex with didn't want to harm me. They suddenly felt like a threat to me and like a complete stranger. I've felt like this in varying degrees before, but never to this extent, and I had no idea why. It has made me panic before so that I had to stop having sex (if I managed to say something).
I don't smoke with people anymore (I don't wanna lose my card, but I also can't be stoned or drunk around people if I don't trust them, which means I can do it around like 3 people total. I don't like clubs for this reason lol)
Can relate a 1000%, haha.
My theory is that cannabis connects our brain in ways it doesn't normally during our regular day, if you take enough of it.
I do think there is some power in memory retrieval in cannabis.
I've also made up the same therory using the knowledge I collected during my neuropsychology study programme! It makes a lot of sense to me. I'd be very interested in the studies, but don't stress yourself if you can't find them.
Again, thank you so very much.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
Not doing pot / never that I know of have, so can't speak to those specifics, and taking it from other smoked substances may not be applicable at all because yah. Cannabinoids & opiates are way different acting drugs. Ditto other schtuff I was commonly doped with / on at the time as people insisted.

* * *

That aside, I had memory stuff slide through when high.

The best thing I found about that was wait it out. Note it but wait it out till I'm stone cold sober. And a loong way away from taking, too / not emotionally & timely too close to the flashback. If that is what it was.

Get sober & solid distance.

Ponder it -then-.

As if it's valid and drugs just let it through walls of repression, it will keep coming up in a multitude of ways - and will be traceable as patterns in maany things in life, not just the one high moment and situations surrounding it.

Meanwhile if it's just dope messing about with a PTSD brain, you don't want to muck up your memory - much less relationships with people - by something that feels pressing, but is quite bogus. Detailed, maybe scrambling up pieces from several real traumas, but the whole new thing never happened.

And, practically, not-high & well grounded & healthy is a good goal.

Self care matters more than figuring this out. Always.

Jitteriness over trauma schtuffs can wait for after one ate proper & had nuff liquids. :ninja: Also slept up proper.
 

Juso

MyPTSD Pro
Thanks a lot for your input @Ronin ! I found your suggestions very helpful.
As if it's valid and drugs just let it through walls of repression, it will keep coming up in a multitude of ways - and will be traceable as patterns in maany things in life, not just the one high moment and situations surrounding it.
Meanwhile if it's just dope messing about with a PTSD brain, you don't want to muck up your memory - much less relationships with people - by something that feels pressing, but is quite bogus. Detailed, maybe scrambling up pieces from several real traumas, but the whole new thing never happened.
I will try to do that, I also have been trying to do that the last 2 days. Unfortunately it plays like a broken record in my brain even though I am trying so hard to distract myself. Everytime I am thinking about it and how the memory would make sense put into context I get so scared that I push it away in order to not be able to finish my thoughts. Luckily (?) I didn't see any face in my flashback because .. ugh .. because of the way the bodies were..arranged. Argh. But the point is that I am not accusing anyone in my brain, which makes it a bit less bad cause it doesn't put a strain on any relationships. At least thats how I feel about it.
Self care matters more than figuring this out. Always.
You're completely right. Thank you.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
Honestly that it's on like a broken record & bad anxiety may still have to do with the trip more than anything of its veracity.

Can ACT thought diffusion techniques *combined with self care* help you any?

What do you usually do that calms you when you need to sit something out and essentially ignore whichever impulses you're having, until they come up less? :) I'd at least try doing that, see if anything gives, or not.
 

Juso

MyPTSD Pro
ACT thought diffusion techniques
I'm really, really bad at those. So I know I have to practice them. I'll try again today.
What do you usually do that calms you when you need to sit something out and essentially ignore whichever impulses you're having, until they come up less?
Yeah, I think my main problem in general is that I just don't really have anything that calms me down when I have to sit something out. Yesterday night that ended in me almost attempting suicide. I have a very hard time not acting on my self harm impulses, but I haven't felt that close to seriously hurting myself in a long time. It scares me, now that I am a bit more regulated. Just because I am seeing how little control I appear to have over myself. (Btw I was dysregulated because of a number of issues, not particularly because of this fake/real "flashback").
There is one technique tho that activates my parasympathetic nervous system, and it has helped before, so I'll try that too.
Thanks❤
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
Can you reach out to medical services locally, Juso?

Are there any medical services that provide care for users, alike, and / or don't have the mandatory reporting duty about the use itself to LE if not legally kosher where you are?

Because the fact that you were about to commit suicide, because of a bad trip and then some, concerns me heckuva lot.

Needs care, and if you're not all that able to guarantee your safety on your own - which yeah, PTSD alone is bitch of a disorder that does it time to time - then there *NEEDS* to be a safety net.

So you cannot try it again if things get bad.
Because it will take a couple of days for THC clear outta your system, minimum, and even a day when acutely suicidal with impulse control issues is long nuff to wind up dead.

That you're having difficulty means just that, that you're having difficulty. :) Don't be too harsh on yourself for it.

But yeah, don't take this lightly, and *do* get in person professional support. Your life matters.
 

Juso

MyPTSD Pro
Thanks so much @Ronin . I have therapy tomorrow, so I'll talk to my T about the SI, even though I am scared she'll want me to go inpatient or something. Which I absolutely do NOT want. Tbh I'd rather lie to her and say I am completely safe in order to not go inpatient. And I know how dumb and irresponsible that is, I am absolutely aware of it.

It's also really difficult for me to determine whether I'm safe or not. Maybe I am not even close to killing myself, who knows? I never actually attempted suicide so maybe I just don't know wtf I'm talking about.

The SI didn't come from the weed tho, I've been smoking weed regularly for three years now, also with monthlong breaks inbetween during which I didn't smoke one bit, and the SI never went away - it was also present before I touched weed for the first time in my life. It is a certain core belief that, combined with lots of triggered dysregulation, makes me want to harm myself.

I am not in contact with my parents right now (haven't been for many months due to my mothers abusive behavior), I am kind of in the middle of a very messy breakup, and I had some arguments with the only family member that could have helped me two days ago. So its just a lot that I can't process right now.

But yeah, I'll talk to my T since I've heard from a friend that some therapists create a safety plan for their patients, so maybe that'll happen. I also don't have access to more weed right now, I made sure of that.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
Nah, don't lie to her, as you're not safe and it's the kind of not safe that people need to know about.

(I'm going with Actively meaning to end life, even as contemplating it, and in a situation that would make it possible = Not Safe.)

Instead, try looking into PHPs / partial hospitalization programs, or any outpatient that offers more intense & in person check ins / crisis intervention, and similar.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing, with hospitalization.

The fact you are suicidal and deal with dual PTSD & current substance issues is tbqh enough of 'rates help' & unsafe marks. You don't have to have the sad experience of having tried in the past to rate that help.

And yep, especially given your natural social supports crashed in right now, that veery much calls for finding others - and who can help with the fall out of that crash. :)

Good job on getting rid of the weed & making safety plans (like seeing the T and what to say) already :tup:

Can you please check in with us here too, even if and especially if the T meeting doesn't go to expectations?

And as to core belief that pushes you over the edge... Soo know that spot about a few - Thing is, nothing you are, were, could be, or some grade A asshole said you were - is worth claiming your life.

Nothing.

These all can get better. Or are not the grade and type of bad one would need end their life for.

Besides, soo many actual evil pricks live, very non bothered and not even considering they should kill themselves.

Traumatized people like you's past definitely don't need to move off earth's surface for a single thing.
 

Juso

MyPTSD Pro
It doesn't have to be all or nothing, with hospitalization.
You're right, and I would maybe consider doing that, but as of tomorrow, I'll be working full time in a traumaclinic (ironically) for 4 months to finish my Neuropsychology Master. After that I may have time for an outpatient program, given that I can still work 4 days a week to pay my rent and food.

I really greatly appreciate your concern, validating words and suggestions, I really do. Its just that I don't have anyone to rely on right now (neither family nor friends) so I cannot afford to have a "time out", you know? I need to finish the Master in time because I don't have the money to pay for more semesters, and because I need to be able to start earning my own money as soon as possible to be independent from my family, since my family is one of my main triggers, especially the thought of needing help from them.

Can you please check in with us here too, even if and especially if the T meeting doesn't go to expectations?
I will, I promise.

And as to core belief that pushes you over the edge... Soo know that spot about a few - Thing is, nothing you are, were, could be, or some grade A asshole said you were - is worth claiming your life.
Thank you. Unfortunately the core belief has to do with relationships and how I will (in my mind realistically) always be on my own and therefore cannot put my trust into others, especially because they will either hurt me or leave me (because of their own issues or mine). Until now, that core belief has always proven to be true, and I've really been trying to find counterarguments against it, but without success. Anyways, thats a can of worms I really don't wanna open today.?

Thank you so very, very much for your support. You helped me with finding a bit of hope again.
 
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