Body memory

[PiggyBack]

I've been digging around in my childhood memories hoping to surface trauma, process it, and move on. Mentally, I do fine and it doesn't upset me like it has in the past. I feel like I'm making progress.

Problem? My heart is pounding. I can't sleep. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. My mind is still calm and peaceful. Is there a body memory? Or, is there an unconscious component? The stress isn't healthy so I've pulled back, but is there a way to retrain my body to not react like this?

 

[parrotthepolly]

It does sound like body memories, you're still hypervigilant without realising.
I have all those symptoms too even at time when I remember things which normally destroy me mentally.

Have you gotten therapy or are processing it by yourself?

 

[OM_™]

I've been digging around in my childhood memories

My mind is at peace; my body flinches and informs my mind to be vigilant. It's an endless loop and it's so complicated. I feel better when I don't dig around my childhood memories and try to 'enjoy the moment' because at 68 you start to realise that life is limited and I don't want that prick constantly molesting my mind too. He's dead now...that makes me happy. Sorry to be so glib.

 

[Roland]

I've been there. It's better it not dig around memories. Your body and mind will show you when it wants to via flashbacks, nightmares, etc if you have PTSD. But going looking for it? Not anymore. There was a time I felt I needed to know exactly what happened to me so I could process it and move on much like you said, but it really just steals your peace.

 

[OM_™]

but it really just steals your peace

Well said Roland, When someone steals your innocence, it's gone! Still makes me angry and it's a tough call because it's hard to be happy when you are angry. I know it happened but I can't process what happened...it's too 'sick' to accept.

 

[Roland]

Well said Roland, When someone steals your innocence, it's gone! Still makes me angry and it's a tough call because it's hard to be happy when you are angry. I know it happened but I can't process what happened...it's too 'sick' to accept.

Right there with you.

 

[PiggyBack]

I've been there. It's better it not dig around memories.

I've made tremendous progress and I'm a better person for it. Although I've learned that I can handle a small stream, but not a flood.

 

[PiggyBack]

Have you gotten therapy or are processing it by yourself?

Myself. I've never made progress with a therapist as everyone to date insists on gaslighting me that my childhood experiences are not as I experienced them. Real or not, they were traumatic but a therapist that won't entertain the idea that what I experienced was real enough to traumatize me just hasn't been useful.

 

[Roland]

Myself. I've never made progress with a therapist as everyone to date insists on gaslighting me that my childhood experiences are not as I experienced them. Real or not, they were traumatic but a therapist that won't entertain the idea that what I experienced was real enough to traumatize me just hasn't been useful.

I recommended finding a therapist that specializes in PTSD especially with other things you deal with (like if you had alcoholic parents, sexual abuse, etc).

When I say specialize, I mean they mention it in their bio, not it's on the list of a million things they claim to treat (no one is good at everything).

 

[Roland]

Myself. I've never made progress with a therapist as everyone to date insists on gaslighting me that my childhood experiences are not as I experienced them. Real or not, they were traumatic but a therapist that won't entertain the idea that what I experienced was real enough to traumatize me just hasn't been useful.

Yeah, I understand. For a time I did that but now I just deal with shit as it comes up. I don't go digging. I'm better for it.

 

[Friday]

but is there a way to retrain my body to not react like this?

Cha. In pieces. Contolled / under complete control… by you.

Instead of yanked up by your collar,…completely out of control… by you.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Myself. I've never made progress with a therapist as everyone to date insists on gaslighting me that my childhood experiences are not as I experienced them. Real or not, they were traumatic but a therapist that won't entertain the idea that what I experienced was real enough to traumatize me just hasn't been useful.

It's the cognitive distortions convincing you that you "don't deserve help" that's why it's so hard to process and move on, sorry to hear people in your life are making it worse, many people don't understand PTSD and how serious it is. I'm untreated and have a lot of bad thoughts even though logically it can't be true.

I do agree with finding a therapist that specialises in the kind of things you dealt with. Also tell them you're experiencing body memories and that you're trying to process it yourself but it's difficult to.